worldbuilding:
Let me say this in the nicest way possible: you're a newbie with great potential, but the worldbuilding isn't good, to be honest. I know why—you're trying to be like those other novels, the MTLs (Machine Translations) that cause brain rot. Do not try to be like them; they are terrible. Just look at LOTM (Lord of the Mysteries). The first 100 chapters are slow-paced, focused purely on worldbuilding, with no big fights or anything. You need to try to implement some info, even if it means info-dumping. Take it slow, build up, and Boom—make it climax.
Character Design/Backstory:
It’s easy to implement yourself into the MC if you’re using the first person, but it's hard to do it with other characters. For example, we don't know anything about his dad—add some depth, my boy! Quality over quantity. The best example of this is Portal 2. There are only two characters in the game, both AI, but they are written so well that they feel human. This might be a bad example because it's a game with pictures and stuff, but anyway—remember, QUALITY >>> QUANTITY.
Writing:
This isn't going to be a whole lot, but okay. To be honest, I don't know what to say about this one because, as I said before, I like the writing. Although it's fast-paced, slow it down, my guy. Do it. I like the way the novel goes, though. I didn’t say much here, but okay, now onto how the story develops. I already talked about this in worldbuilding, but who cares?
Development of the Story:
It's fast, WAY too fast. Like, he gets revived and stuff only in 16 chapters and fights too powerful enemies. SLOW IT DOWN. Anyways, I’m done.
