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RyujiSakamata
RyujiSakamataLv111yr
2023-08-04 20:43

As expected of a WPC entry, the synopsis and the storyline piqued my interest. The flow is smooth. I have no trouble reading it up to the latest chapter. Some things to fix: The use of commas, and passive sentences are scattered. Show don't tell is somewhat mid-quality. There are still filter words like 'looks' and 'realizes' existing in some statements, which kills the emotions. In FL stories, vivid sensualizing is important. On the other hand, characters are generic. You can add notable trait/quirk/mannerism so that the characters aren't generic and forgettable. Descriptions about important characters should be expanded. I might be harsh at some points, and I'm sorry, but the story really captivated me to read it. It's interesting and I'm looking forward to the twist in it.

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de_writer
de_writerAuthor

You weren't being harsh but honest. Also thanks for pointing those things out. I'll be working on them

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