I'm unable to offer much in the way of opinion given the single chapter, however, given the four-day lapse, I'm assuming the book has been dropped, yet I shall proceed to give my advice on the issues I’ve found. Numerous places could benefit from a coma. I can spot one with a quick glance. Your writing should illustrate rather than declare through excessive adverb use. Adverbs are commonly too lackadaisical in literary works, especially creative ones. However, that’s just my opinion, and a lot of other authors seemed to agree with it. Author, I hope you don’t actually drop the book and continue to publish more chapters!
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LIKEAdverbs are a common problem for novice writers, and overcoming it may take an extensive period of time. For advice, just write. Compose whatever you please, regardless if it’s diverging from my guidance. Happy to hear that you’re still updating though! For show not tell, just google it. There are plethora of examples and articles on the internet.