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UndeadProgenitor
UndeadProgenitorLv142yr
2022-10-19 13:56

The premise of the story is honestly promising. There is room for improvement. One such was is to remove the childishness from the description of the protagonist’ actions. Ex: I picked up a rock and threw it at his balls. It would be best to say “ I picked up a rock and tossed it at his groin” minor changes, but adds a whole new tone. There’s also the fact that the characters’ manner of speech are much too mature for their age. (All those are observations from the the first two chapters)

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