Review Detail of This_Isntreal in My Servant System
Review detail
I got up to around chapter 20 before the number of action sentences starting with "ing" verbs got too grating to keep reading. After that, I jumped ahead just to see if it stuck around since the author said they started to take the story more seriously at some point, and it's STILL an issue of most sentences that are used for describing someone taking an action. The story COULD be fine, but I will never know because... it's just really, REALLY annoying to read.
My Servant System
Ketsueki_Hasu
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I've been sitting on this for a while, and this might be pointless or annoying to read, but... For clarification, it's like... every time the story takes place in the present, every sentence that describes an action is written as a summary of what the character is doing monotonously... if that makes sense. "Moving over to the dresser..." "Approaching the bath..." "Exiting the bathroom..." "smiling when I saw..." "searching for what was missing..." Grumbling again..." "Sighing, I grabbed..." "flipping over to glare..." " Seeing her glare..." "Grabbing me..." "wrapping her arms..." "Leaning into her..." ALL OF THESE are from chapter 20 and are within at least two sentences of each other in most cases, and I didn't even list half of it. It's not to say that all of them are unjustified usages, but that just makes the ones that aren't even more detrimental to the ones that are. There's barely ever a time, if ever, that an action is described in any other manner that breaks up the kind of 'office worker who is forced to write an account of their actions' description style. To use the same examples in a way I would've liked to see it written... "I moved over to the dresser and removed both my clothes and Jahi's before making my way to the bathroom" (Also, there seems to be some weird quirk with putting a comma before "before," even though it isn't really necessary or actually muddles the order of events when it's there. It's not always used incorrectly, but it happens often enough for me to think it's worth mentioning.) "After approaching the bath, I activated the water and fire crystals to allow the water to heat up." "When I exited the bathroom, I approached the bed and smiled when I saw Jahi frowning slightly in her sleep." "She grumbled again, turning around and burying herself into the sheets." "With a sigh, I grabbed the sheets before dragging them off of her." "When I saw her glare, I smiled and kept staring at her." ... or something like that. I'm no writer, so... idk. A little variety just goes a long way for me to keep engaged. Seems like no one else has the same problem, so if you're chill with it, keep trucking along, I guess? The world itself seems interesting and the character interactions, devoid of the writing hiccups, seemed fun... I just couldn't stand the accumulating mental damage, to be melodramatic about it.
... It didn't keep the spacing between paragraphs I tried to use, so I apologize for how painful this must be to actually read, if you do.
This_Isntreal:I've been sitting on this for a while, and this might be pointless or annoying to read, but... For clarification, it's like... every time the story takes place in the present, every sentence that describes an action is written as a summary of what the character is doing monotonously... if that makes sense. "Moving over to the dresser..." "Approaching the bath..." "Exiting the bathroom..." "smiling when I saw..." "searching for what was missing..." Grumbling again..." "Sighing, I grabbed..." "flipping over to glare..." " Seeing her glare..." "Grabbing me..." "wrapping her arms..." "Leaning into her..." ALL OF THESE are from chapter 20 and are within at least two sentences of each other in most cases, and I didn't even list half of it. It's not to say that all of them are unjustified usages, but that just makes the ones that aren't even more detrimental to the ones that are. There's barely ever a time, if ever, that an action is described in any other manner that breaks up the kind of 'office worker who is forced to write an account of their actions' description style. To use the same examples in a way I would've liked to see it written... "I moved over to the dresser and removed both my clothes and Jahi's before making my way to the bathroom" (Also, there seems to be some weird quirk with putting a comma before "before," even though it isn't really necessary or actually muddles the order of events when it's there. It's not always used incorrectly, but it happens often enough for me to think it's worth mentioning.) "After approaching the bath, I activated the water and fire crystals to allow the water to heat up." "When I exited the bathroom, I approached the bed and smiled when I saw Jahi frowning slightly in her sleep." "She grumbled again, turning around and burying herself into the sheets." "With a sigh, I grabbed the sheets before dragging them off of her." "When I saw her glare, I smiled and kept staring at her." ... or something like that. I'm no writer, so... idk. A little variety just goes a long way for me to keep engaged. Seems like no one else has the same problem, so if you're chill with it, keep trucking along, I guess? The world itself seems interesting and the character interactions, devoid of the writing hiccups, seemed fun... I just couldn't stand the accumulating mental damage, to be melodramatic about it.