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Helldragon_xd
Helldragon_xdLv13yr
2022-04-02 06:14

So I went way past the chapters that you've wanted to set as premium, and now I feel like I should give my thoughts on what I've read so far. Storywise, it's fine as a generic video game novel. However there's still stuff that lacks premise and explanation. Firstly, what makes this game so special from the other games, aside from a large playerbase during release, and how does it connect to the MC's real life? I feel like there could be a massive plothole here unless you've planned the future really well, or there might be issues in the future. If the company, per se, designed these devices that are used for the game and it turns out they have something with them that touches on forbidden stuff like time travel or whatnot, you'll have to execute it really well. Now to some minor issues. Firstly, aside from during the phantom tourney where it was apparent our MC was streaming the battles, I had issues knowing when he was streaming and when he stopped streaming. Not only that, there seems to be very lacking in terms of interactions, since all the streamers I've seen frequently interact with the chat minus situations where they're forced to do something that completely preoccupies them. Although the situations you have the MC in prevents him from casually interacting, the only real interactions I've seen was only like 1 chapter in the book, and I suggest having more interactions to make the character seem more like a real streamer (e.g thanking the viewers more for their donations). I also recommend making it more obvious as to when he started streaming and when he stopped. Onto the next issue I feel. The battles, although the descriptions are there, felt lacklaster in the sense of 1, there's not really much interactions. User A uses x skill on the monster, the monster dodges, than activates x skill of its own. This also happens during tourney, as character a casts a skill that summons tentacles, but then we just jump to character b's POV of suddenly becoming entangled. I'm not sure if you can understand my suggestion here, but for example: Character A uses [warcry]. Letting out a loud howl, the members in the parties felt themselves strengthen as they watched their attack stat sharply rise. Something like this paints for more imagery, and although there are areas where you did do this, some areas felt lacking or executed not well enough. This is something you can polish. Final thing I feel that your story really needs is risk. For one, this character is playing this game for some odd reason instead of working on a way to save his family's business, yet we don't know how the game is related to his past at all. If you die in the game, you die irl is one of the most popular risks. In the case of the King's Avatar, we have the MC working towards building a new team and going back to pro league, hence there is a clear goal. With your story, aside from making a guild and whatnot, it seems like his goals are unclear of what he wants to do different in this life. If I had a chance to go back in time, I wouldn't spend it playing a video game that would eventually die unless there's a very good reason to. Be careful of these plotholes.

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One_Winged_Angel
One_Winged_AngelAuthor

Shameless Author Review here: I have enjoyed a lot of similar genre stories on this platform and with my background I felt the urge to put my own work out there. I am dedicated to putting out flawless chapters and if you locate any grammatical or spelling errors, please point them out and they will be immediately fixed. I am consistently working on creating a nice balance between chapter updates and will committedly release chapters on the daily. I wish I had put more work into the first chapters and published more than 1,000 words each chapter, I may go back and up their word count without adjusting the actual flow of the chapter. I maintained a minimum of 1k words per chapter up until chapter 30 at which point I raised it to 1500 and will not go below that. The story will continually be developed and follows Marcus and his adventures through a game that has much more going on behind the scenes than he had initially thought. The risks will constantly be increased as the story progresses and the novel becomes more fleshed out. I absolutely love creating characters and having them fill roles within the story. The cast shall be expansive and constantly growing and decreasing. I aim to have no two characters alike and want to have a nice variety in the main and supporting cast. I love adjectives and really enjoy growing the world around our cast and hope that shows through my work. I love world building and generating the setting that our characters are in. I really hope you guys enjoy the story and take the time to like, vote, and comment, I read every comment and am more than happy to reply to your questions. Feel free to join the discord to see more behind the scenes information and connect with fans.

Photosphere
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*Writing Quality: Excellent, not too complicated to hush you away, not too simple to make you believe it's mediocre, it draws you in and tells the story without much effort, great grammar. *Stability of Updates: As a new novel it is still not following any rigorous schedule. *Story Development: I only read the first chapters until the story began, and it was described and written well enough to allow me to relate with the MC, the parents, the friend and his situation as to why he would enter the game at all, however, perhaps because I haven't dwelled further it's difficult for me to understand what makes the game special, he received a message saying if he was bored of his life, but what does the game offer? and why would he encounter it in a private message rather than a poster in the streets, the game isn't public? etc.. etc... it lacks a point of inflexion that would attract readers in my opinion. Like that small thing that makes your novel unique, this, however, doesn't mean it's mediocre, this point of inflexion could appear in the future. *Character Design: So far I have seen MC some of the in-game characters, even interaction between NPCs and they're loyal to one another. *World Background: The entire premise envelops the game and I haven't delved further into the game to accurately judge whether it is deep enough or lacking, but I'm truly unable to understand what makes the game especial, supposing it allows you to get money in the real world, is that really it? Overall in my personal opinion, find myself with confused emotions regarding this novel, for one the structure is solid, grammar is perfect, description of events happens fluently, the in-game elements or representation of the UI in words is also properly laid on, but the premise is weak, it lacks a deterministic point which will attract readers to stick with it rather than keep scrolling. The cover also needs some improvements, overall I give it a high score because unlike most novels in this site, this is the total opposite, some of them have interesting premises but due to lack of skill they're destroyed either by bad grammar or a world that's not properly structured, etc... In this case, the world is properly structured, the grammar is perfect, but the world itself is weak and doesn't lead to anything that would attract (at least me) to read further because I can envision MC perhaps completing some quests and getting strong, beating a boss and obtaining loot, gaining money in real life, perhaps that's not how you want it to be, and instead plan something bigger for him, but that's how I perceived it with several short chapters and you need to portray that as well for them before the reader departs. Best Regards!

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