dreamver2Lv23yr

2021-08-29 01:38

Fantastic read! I wasn't expecting to like this one as much as I did, so this is a pleasant surprise and hidden gem for me! Here are my notes (feels like they're kinda short): ~For once, I don't feel the need to ramble about grammar. The only issues I see are some miscellaneous punctuation mistakes (always only with commas--typically their overuse). Sometimes, the dialogue tags are actions that aren't some variation of speaking (like laughing), so a period would be needed instead of a comma. Other times, the dialogue tags are actions like screaming that can be inferred from the dialogue and can instead be replaced by sentences with actions! Most other issues are one-off. ~The style and word choice when you describe things are excellent! The fantasy elements are especially vivid, particularly the chilling images of the Ghosts. ~The concepts are clear and make sense overall (the world, Phantoms, Angelicas, etc), so I didn't find myself having to spend too much time re-reading those bits. Impressive start! ~It seems like this is a rewrite from a system novel based on your notes, and while I can sort of feel some of those elements seeping in with either Reaper or Zelestria, they're very much palatable as someone who doesn't quite get/like systems. ~I like how realistic it is that Finn... fails pretty badly with his powers the first time he uses them and that his resolve doesn't necessarily carry him. (Of course, it's fun to see him become much more powerful after that with the cool armor and gauntlets, but it is a good progression.) ~The transition from Chapter 4 to 5 is a tad confusing, mainly because I assumed the aforementioned teen was Finn. I think it would be slightly more clear if a setting in the vein of "Elsewhere in District A" was written instead of "Somewhere in District A". ~Octane is hilarious! He's so funny, and I love his antics! (I'm still laughing about him smashing the wheelchair.) ~If it isn't obvious from my paragraph comments, I also seriously adore Zelestria! (SSS-Tier waifus promise: delivered so far!) ~I was not expecting the twist of Finn being a half-Ghost as a result of his life being saved! I get the feeling this concept will be explored later, so I'm excited to see if that happens! ~In Chapter 9, "however" is used almost every other sentence after Finn walks into Iris' room, which threw me off a little. ~There's some contradictory information about Angelicas between Chapters 10 and 11. The first states that almost everyone has an Angelica, while the second states that they're rarer. ~In this world, do modern countries exist? It seems like there are only districts (as detailed in the auxiliary chapters), so a comment like someone having an accent (specifically, the comment about an "English accent" in Chapter 14) doesn't make sense in that case. ~I love how the dialogue is distinct and clear! I often have issues distinguishing characters or following along, so this is refreshing. ~There are some adverb and verb redundancies (like "directly in the direction" in Chapter 17). -After reading the fight scene in Chapter 19, I really like how you describe fights! If you'd want any advice, I suppose you could try to make them less mechanical at times and imbue them with emotions like, say, Finn's hatred and rage towards the Ghost for taking away his teammates (a possible "found family" of sorts), but that certainly has to be balanced well with actual actions. I honestly don't have many critiques! Virtually nothing stood out to me as awkward or egregious. It's a good balance between humorous and bad*ss. I'll definitely be lurking around more for Finn's adventures... (5/5)

The Legendary Ghost Hunter

Cyclxne

4.7

206 Chs