I'll start by saying I do tend to like contemporary romance, so this was a nice read! (Journalist characters also hit a soft spot of mine!) Here are some of my thoughts (moving mostly from critique to praise): ~The first two paragraphs of the opening chapter read like an auxiliary chapter. The story would be stronger just starting with the dialogue and interspersing the information elsewhere. For one example: "Reading it, and her eyes widened." This could be changed to something like: "Reading it, her eyes widened as she dreaded having the notorious cameramen from the paparazzi team, We Scoop You Lose, on her tail." (You can word it more specifically according to the location of the sentence, but there's a general idea.) You could also put these tidbits in an auxiliary chapter, but it doesn't seem like a lot of people read those in general. ~The writing quality is rather good! There are very few confusing places, and the grammar is overall quite nice. It's simple and makes sense. ~You put a lot of detail into Averna's surroundings. From the specifics of her knife and car to the technology in her apartment, you have created an in-depth world for the FL. Fantastic~! ~A lot of sentence starts and pieces are quite repetitive, so try mixing them up! If three sentences (or paragraphs) in a row begin the same way, think about how you can alter the order of each one (often the second one) to make it flow better. ~There are some rather long sentences. I hesitate to call *all of them* run-on sentences (save for the occasional ones that just have commas instead of periods), but it might help to use an em dash if you've got two modifiers for the sake of clarity. I actually don't mind this style too much, though. I'm more used to short sentences on WN, so this gives the story a different vibe. Also, this advice applies to the excessive numbers of adjectives in the early chapters, though those would be fixed more by lists than by dashes. ~You misspell Eileen's name in Chapters 5 and 6. ~Honestly, Chapter 3 feels like filler (or perhaps just a lot slower than the surrounding sections). It seems the only important thing established in that chapter is Averna's vulnerability regarding her grandfather, but that information can come later in subtle phrases before she goes to the grave. Mostly anything in this chapter could have been included within Chapter 5. Where it is, it stalls the very important chapter following it about Damian infiltrating Verna. I'm not necessarily saying to remove it, but this might help for a future story as the general advice is to quickly get to the action/plot! ~The strongest element is definitely how you develop the characters! Averna is a strong lead but not unrealistically so (and is given good reason to act the way she does by her childhood), while Damian is mischievous and conniving. He's not necessarily a good person, but he's interesting, which is honestly what matters more. The way Averna interacts with everyone differently and shows the various sides of her personality is also thought through well. The tension built between the leads is excellent from their short interactions! (I also enjoy the side characters overall, especially the two guards.) ~Also, I feel like it's usually the guys who are the billionaires in these types of rich people/CEO novels...? Regardless, I like seeing the FL being the one with the high social status instead of the ML! ~The scene of Averna going to her grandparents' grave hits extremely hard. Her grabbing her grandfather's statue is heart-wrenching for sure, and her gratefulness towards both of them is beautiful. I nearly cried at this part. ~What I really love is how you engage the senses, especially smell. I feel like the scents of places are overlooked a lot (I often forget them entirely), so using the different fragrances in your settings is a really unique touch to set the atmosphere! ~Also, the cover is super pretty! I love it! Overall, nice job! You've got a good start here with a lot of potential due to your well-executed characters. Good luck, and have fun writing the rest of it! Also, I hope you do well on the WPC! :D (4.6/5.0)
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Wow this is super detailed and I would take this to heart and make improvements 😌 I hope to get a final edit soon 😅
Happy to hear it's of some use~! A lot of things will resolve themselves with time and with more feedback 😅 (the evolution of my own editing process is a drastic one... lol)
Bloom759:Wow this is super detailed and I would take this to heart and make improvements 😌 I hope to get a final edit soon 😅
