Review Detail of SnowRose in Food Wars: A Dropout's Redemption (Rewrite)

Note: My review will be based on the beginning chapters only. (Chapter 16) With most stories i find the beginning to be the most key part as it will be what hooks readers and gets them to stay. So while the story may improve later on, this was as far as I could get as of right now. Review: The story has a lot of potential but I felt the execution was lacking. The author is clearly TRYING to add a comedic element to the story, which i’m all for, yet the comedy falls short and at many times just ruins the scene rather than adding to it. Example 1: Mc’s death. It leads up to this dramatic climax which the Mc will loose his life and begin his next journey, however, the author decides to have the Mc die via being stapped in his anal cavity with a knife. (Haha Funny.) While some may enjoy it, the author missed the ball in my opinion. You set this character up in a tragic way only for his final moment to be a sad attempt at comedy. This moment should have been the first defining moment of this character which we are meant to follow along with. Example 2: Due to his perfect memory he recales a time where he witnessed his parents having sex and has nightmares about it. The premise behind this isnt bad if you are using it for comedic purposes. However once again the execution was way off. The way the Mc acted made him feel extremely childish and just frankly unlikeable. Both of these moments didnt feel funny at all, in fact not one moment in the story held a tone which screamed this is a “Comedy” story. The story has an identity problem and once the author finds that identity I think it will improve. A way to improve those scenes is to look towards the surroundings material. Jokes in text formate need a different approach and if the readers are in a mindset in which they are focused and locked into one tone, then you suddenly have the Mc start crying and breaking down like a child due to a nightmare, it doesnt come off as funny. Pros: -Good update stability -Grammar is alright -It has potential -Author seems willing to put in time to research things Cons: -Story tone identity problem -Character personalities come off as bland or strange about 40% of the time. -A majority of the Main characters’ personality is a con imo. -Comedic timing and the Comedy element in general could be worked on. -Characters are just thrust into the story and could be developed upon more. -Story structure could be improved some. (Example: Mc: “Oh hey...” Mc: “Anyways...” -It can lead to confusing of whos talking, this would prob be better- Mc: “Oh hey...” he said. “Anyways...” Other person: “Yeah sure!” Either that or start the next line off by denoting who is talking like: Rin paused for a moment before continuing “...”) Conclusion: While i dont know if the author improved the later chapters I do hope so as like i said it has a lot of potential. The first 10 chapters are usually the deal breaker for a lot of people. I personally try to give it at least that many before I form an opinion and there were many points while reading this which I wanted to just stop reading. That said i’ll be putting this down for a while and might come back to it at a later date. Hopefully my review helps with improving the story but if not than oh well. Your story, if you dont like my criticism just ignore it and do you. Just wont be for me :)