Review Detail of puukkiss in The Paranormal system!
Review detail
Read about 6 chapters trying to find anything related to tags # System # Reincarnation or novels genre Horror&Thriller. All I got was diabetes alert, confusing ramblings of an MC, and a lot of things-are-like-this-because-I-want-them-to-be-so. and Characters are doing things because doing things is fun (Who needs a plot and reason, let’s do things!!!) For example, chapter 2: "Liam saw his 17-year-old sister sitting near him (...)" "Who will think that the CEO of Ohio's top company would fear a little rodent?!" A minor is a CEO... What is the Board of directors thinking? Shouldn't they be asking where is Liam's guardian who has not yet been mentioned in the story? To work a minor needs a signature from a parent or a guardian. And minors until age 18 need a guardian. If I understood correctly, their parents are away (missing?), meaning they need a guardian. Also, Liam ""Stop wasting our parents' money," Liam complained with a frown on his face." and the same Liam "Mom dad, we have go this much money there is no need for this small phone. 'Maybe I will just throw it off.' It was just near the window; my grip was now losing on the mobile when the beep sound came out of the mobile." The neighbors probably hate those snot-nosed kids that throw shit all the time out of their windows. A big turn-off from the story also was the hinted ******. Right now, the story is told from Liam's POV that focuses on his sister's body way too much. "Liam's eyes followed Rena." "(...)she moved both the hands to her perfect curved waist." "His sister's plain and white toned stomach as she pulled her top up " TLDR: Anything related to the plot happens at the end of chapter 6. Before this was... ramblings, that another author would have deleted or rewritten elsewhere. Afterwards… the poor grammar pushed me away from reading more. The only reason why I even read to chapter 6 was because of other reviews saying it's good… now I have reason to believe the reviews are from aliens or 13-year-old ghosts.
The Paranormal system!
AJPaturde
Liked by 16 people
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I understand as an author you want people to give a fair judgment on your novel, but as a reader who has a choice of thousands of novels; it is impossible. 6 chapters are more than enough to set the stage for a story. Most MC has already lost families; found a calling to do something; left home to go on an adventure; the point of the story (even the slow ones) been made. If comedy, people have laughed. If romance, people know their love interests and ship them. If adventure, they have left their comfort zone. If horror, they have been scared. Your story suffers from: don’t know what to focus on, I like everything, therefore, write about everything. A scene needs a reason to be there. *The story starts with parents leaving. Good, but now we skip a year and they are missing. We the readers would expect children trying to fill the void after the disappearance of their parents and the way they cope with added responsibilities. *But instead, we get goofy brother and sister that don’t seem to give an F. to not having parents. Every time they are mentioned is about how they left them money and they are rich. The movie night would have worked in middle somewhere else, not in the beginning. Reading it, I awaited something scary to happen since the story is tagged horror and named “The Paranormal system!” But no... they watched and talked and went to sleep, then goofed more in the next chapters. You as the author promised me Horror&Thriller&Paranormal, but I got nothing. All the scenes are in chaos. But thanks for reading my review. Good luck in writing. I hope your grammar will improve and also your writing style. Maybe read some books about writing stories and scenes.
AJPaturde:ah okay then. but man I think you should have some patience while reading something or some novel you are too fast to judge if you don't want to read then it is okay with me but I wished you should have read ahead.
puukkiss: I understand as an author you want people to give a fair judgment on your novel, but as a reader who has a choice of thousands of novels; it is impossible. 6 chapters are more than enough to set the stage for a story. Most MC has already lost families; found a calling to do something; left home to go on an adventure; the point of the story (even the slow ones) been made. If comedy, people have laughed. If romance, people know their love interests and ship them. If adventure, they have left their comfort zone. If horror, they have been scared. Your story suffers from: don’t know what to focus on, I like everything, therefore, write about everything. A scene needs a reason to be there. *The story starts with parents leaving. Good, but now we skip a year and they are missing. We the readers would expect children trying to fill the void after the disappearance of their parents and the way they cope with added responsibilities. *But instead, we get goofy brother and sister that don’t seem to give an F. to not having parents. Every time they are mentioned is about how they left them money and they are rich. The movie night would have worked in middle somewhere else, not in the beginning. Reading it, I awaited something scary to happen since the story is tagged horror and named “The Paranormal system!” But no... they watched and talked and went to sleep, then goofed more in the next chapters. You as the author promised me Horror&Thriller&Paranormal, but I got nothing. All the scenes are in chaos. But thanks for reading my review. Good luck in writing. I hope your grammar will improve and also your writing style. Maybe read some books about writing stories and scenes.