I'm really sorry but I really need to be honest here...
You need to improve your grammar, by, like, a ton.
I understand that the first chapter was just some "BS nonsense" to start the story, but it does clue us in on how you'll be structuring the story, world, and characters in the following chapters, and from what I read, it's just a constant flow of info that doesn't seem real.
The trick is to try and put yourself in the skin of the characters, then you can try to begin to make the story sound like you're living it, and by extension makes us, the readers, feel like we're the MC.
The grammar, alone, would already do a LOT of good to the story, but the real bitch is in the rest. It's hard to write, but this is what separates the ones who care from those who just write whatever for no reason.
If you read this, I hope you take it well.
I'd like to see it get better, because, in itself, the premise is pretty neat.
Also, never forget, you can ALWAYS edit already uploaded chapters. So, it's never too late to go back and check if you can improve something, be it grammar, spelling, or otherwise.
