Sugar coating is not my style, so I'll be very blunt in this review. I'll focus on dialogue, an aspect that I find many authors struggling with.
Story is interesting, but the dialogues are a bit robotic, for example when Shemmi and Gemmi are speaking, they are very polite, even with all the curses and stuff. For dialogue, don't worry about the grammar and think of these characters as actual people and think of how you would speak to your friends.
Eg: "If I get what I am searching for, then don't even dare come in front of me asking for shares"
Why say that when you can say: "When I find it, don't you f**king dare come asking for shares, got it?!"
My improvisation makes the dialogue more casual and shows off the dude's rogue nature. Meanwhile, yours makes the character seem too sophisticated, and on top of that, the sentence is unclear.
So you might need to proofread your work a few more times too.
Author san, you have so many positive reviews, so I thought I would share a bit criticism instead. But don't fret! Your work is promising, and I'll add this to my library for further reading~
Good luck!
