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TempesT_
TempesT_Lv14yr
2020-12-29 00:43

Now THIS is a great story. I feel like the tense is a little... off putting however. “He walks away” “he walked away”. the second sounds better right? I feel like this story is an amazing plot, The characters feel so real, The world design is great. however i feel like it would have worked better in past tense format. but who knows, This is just my opinion. very good :)

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asdasdssf
asdasdssfLv1

Story is actually written very well as in grammar, flow and characters, plot when considered individually. But big problem is how mc and plot connects, or should I say doesn't connect. Mc just doesn't have much agency and there's not much internal motivations in story form mc to do what he does. It seems like author develops some interesting plot, and then mc is made to flow trough that plot like puppet, mc just doesn't seem to have agency. There's also the problem of mc being constantly bailed out by his ring when stuff gets even slightly hard, it's always some magical thing that bails him out, not his own intellect, skill or perseverance. This again reduces mc's agency, it's just very lame. It would not matter if it was just sometimes, but both of this things happen constantly. Good example is whole thing happening in mc's village, he was already ready to go, he didn't have any reason to stay, no friends or family, no lure of great rewards, and again he was planning to leave. But then author made the plot happen, which I do agree is great when considered in isolation, but mc just started to participate in solving this mystery and helping around and we have absolutely no idea why, and there's no internal reason in story that tells us why. He just does like some zombie because the plot is there so obviously he should somehow participate in it. He even wanted to see Lord of Hei dudes, but again, there was just no reason for that, he just wanted to because story required him to. There was no mention of potential rewards or anything that would help mc, if anything seeing mysterious strong person is just an huge threat. I would really like to give this better review, but I just can't because story till 150 has been mostly just about boat(mc) being pushed around by waves, and every time boat is about to crash into huge rock, another wave just comes in and pushes the boat to the side. I would like that boat to have some oars, sails and actual person directing it.

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