Review Detail of Timmy_Smith_9145 in I'M TRAPPED IN A VIDEO GAME? (ONESHOT)

For a new writer, writing can be daunting. You have ideas in your head, fully fleshed out and detailed, and the hard part is finding a way to properly convey those--often quite personal --thoughts in a productive way. I can see where your coming from in your writing, the thought is there, the execution, not so much. Its quite clunky, with sentences cut off short and feeling unfinished and rushed, thoughts written down, and abandoned halfway. Something I would recommend is to read more authors, and try to emulate how they build their sentences and paragraph structure, it doesn't need to be a solid block of text, it should ebb and flow. Also, try and use more commas. I mean what sounds better, "The man ran outside. It was bright and sunny out." or, "The man ran outside, into the bright sunlight." or even just remove the comma, just try to avoid really short sentences unless under specific circumstances. Maybe also tone down the descriptions, especially for the part about the video game, it felt like it went on too long, and although its integral to the story, it could improve in many areas. I would be sinning also if I didn't mention the dialogue, please, please, just use quotation marks, and descriptions of speech. Nobody writes like 'Mary: How was your day Bill? Bill: It was good Mary' you use quotations, '"How was your day Bill?" an elated Mary asked, "It was good Mary", he responded.' Of course that's not high quality writing right there, but you get the point. Although it may have seemed like I was here tearing apart your writing, everyone starts somewhere. The best advice I can give is to just read more, expand your horizons of authors and genres, and try to either emulate how they write, or create your own combination of theirs, just stay away from clunky, hard to read writing.