Your grammar and punctuation needs a lot of work, but I guess you already know that. The scenes seem a bit incomplete, like they are too fast paced. There's nothing explained, as if you're in a hurry to get it done. Which is confusing, and doesn't really want the reader to continue. I love the plot, it's a little cliche yes but that's what I actually love. If you focus a little on the grammar and description part, this can be an absolutely amazing story. Other than that, definitely worth giving a try!
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