The protagonist manages to be charismatic and fun to follow, and that's a good thing for this story. You're also good at describing scenarios. They feel forward and at the moment. That is very good. However, your story still needs editing. The way you sometimes don't separate dialogues from paragraphs makes the story look dirty and unpolished. The story also feels like it happens "too fast". It does not give much time for readers to get comfy to the change of pace and get to know the new characters, locations, and settings. You also use lots of redundant information, like in dialogues; writing after them what is already obvious. For example; "Is this water?" John Doe asked. "I hate you!" Her voice was angry. Try to skip all of these. Instead use an action, like a character slamming a door, or lowering their look. If you keep putting unnecessary words the story will start to feel heavy and monotonous to read. But this is good work. You need to polish it more. But the characters are not bad and the plot manages to hook you. Keep working on It.
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Thanks for the review. Yes, I am currently editing my work. I too noticed the points you have mentioned. I have just edited the first chapter and am going to do the others soon.
