A well written piece that is leagues better than most female leading novels on this platform. The main character, Jennifer, is written very well. She is strong, smart and is a born leader. What suffers though is the other characters who don't feel as fleshed out, even after 25 chapters. For instance, I'm not sure who Jason is or how he even looks; all I know is that he has blue eyes and has been beside Jennifer for years. Felix is another character that suddenly pops up, only to be a mcguffin who is somehow like Jennifer's adopted brother, yet was never introduced beforehand. Literally, he was there only to die and that really - like I didn't feel anything when he died. It was sad, you could feel how Jennifer and the others felt except as a reader, I felt nothing since I barely knew the guy. He was like one of those extras in a horror movie that dies and the audience goes "Meh, I saw that coming.", except you don't cause he wasn't in the story before. But that's the supporting cast, thankfully Jennifer is fleshed out much better. What I really liked about the story was how, even though he was introduced and had a part, little the male lead did. Literally, in this genre, the female lead has met the overbearing male lead that is chauvinistic to the point of being toxic and is chasing after the female lead. Dominantly might I add. Thankfully, that's not the case here. In fact, I think this is the first novel that I read which shows the FL being just as badass as the ML (showing mind you, not telling. There's so many where that say she's badass but then the ML "rescues" her). And it really built up her character before introducing the ML which I appreciate. Regarding grammar, it's not so bad. It gets better and the author has noted that his really chapter needs editing so I'm sure it'll only improve. So I won't be docking points even though I found some errors, to me it was still an enjoyable read even with the grammar errors and trust me, I've seen worse. All in all, a good novel that subverted my expectations and really did well. Good job, author-san!
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I am happy that you left a review. About the side-characters like Jason you mentioned...I know that I had not introduced him that well. Actually I was planning to focus on the Main-characters before going to the others. I kind of wanted to write flashbacks so that the others would also be highlighted and you would be able to get to know them better. Like Jason's case, I was just planning to write about him in brief and also about Felix when Jennifer is trying to find more about his death. This is slow paced and I know that but I would be sure to write more about the side-characters as you have mentioned. Again thanks for your honest review.
I understand where you're coming from, but what you're mentioning is a backstory; there's more than one way to flesh out a character. For instance, introduction: in the first chapter, when Jennifer meets her team at the airport, you could have Jason asking Jennifer about Felix. Something along the lines of "How's Felix? I haven't heard from him for some time," to which Jennifer would state he's fine and you could just add a paragraph detailing some stuff about Felix (Jason was referring to another member of their team, Felix. The latter had gone through many hardships with Jennifer since they were children; in many ways, he was like the brother she never had.). This doesn't only work as foreshadowing, it also informs the readers while showing more dimension to Jason (who's asking Jennifer about someone close to her, indicating how he feels). You could also do the same for interactions, like - for instance - "Jason's eyes turning soft when he gazed at Jennifer's back" chapters before you reveal his true feelings for her. Then there's description, that plays a big role. When you read my novel, you'll notice I describe the characters' features. For instance, let's use my MC, Jason. I describe him as having "short, messy hair", "onyx eyes that shone like black opals", a strong jaw and squared chin that's covered in a stubble, "sunkissed bronze skin", and a perpetual smirk. This description not only allows the readers to imagine his looks, but also his personality. His messy hair and stubble show he's carefree and doesn't care about his looks, while his smirk says he has a bit of a rogue personality (shameless etc). Almost every character was missing this, the description that brings a character to life. Then there's the third, one that sometimes overlooked even by me: personality through dialogue. Every person has a different way of speaking and it symbolizes their personality. Again, I will use my novel as a reference. The supporting cast each have a different way of speaking: Alina, the MC's sister, speaks frankly and is also free-spirited like her brother, yet there's a hint of melancholy underneath. Her classmate, Asami, is bubbly and cheerful, the heart of a group, which is shown when she's the first to speak with Alina, who is considered op by her class and possibly arrogant. Michelle is stoic and barely speaks, resulting in many assuming she's cold, but that's cause of her nature and the fact that English is her second language (I also added French dialogue in her sentences showcasing this). It all gives a character the personality they need. But in your novel, it's a little hard to differentiate; you could switch Jason and Zavier's dialogue and it'd sound the same cause none of them have a unique way of speaking and interacting. And it gets a little bad at times: I really thought that Jennifer's team was composed only of yes-men (and a girl who is more of a fallgirl for Jennifer) due to this lack of characteristics and personalities. It's not all bad and all, and I'm in no way criticizing your work, but I'm looking to help you improve it as I believe it is truly a good book worth investing. I hope you don't mind.
GRITTY_HUE:I am happy that you left a review. About the side-characters like Jason you mentioned...I know that I had not introduced him that well. Actually I was planning to focus on the Main-characters before going to the others. I kind of wanted to write flashbacks so that the others would also be highlighted and you would be able to get to know them better. Like Jason's case, I was just planning to write about him in brief and also about Felix when Jennifer is trying to find more about his death. This is slow paced and I know that but I would be sure to write more about the side-characters as you have mentioned. Again thanks for your honest review.
Thanks I will work on it. I am planning on editing my previous chapters and I am really thankful that you have helped me a lot. Thanks once again ❤️❤️.
Drakonous:I understand where you're coming from, but what you're mentioning is a backstory; there's more than one way to flesh out a character. For instance, introduction: in the first chapter, when Jennifer meets her team at the airport, you could have Jason asking Jennifer about Felix. Something along the lines of "How's Felix? I haven't heard from him for some time," to which Jennifer would state he's fine and you could just add a paragraph detailing some stuff about Felix (Jason was referring to another member of their team, Felix. The latter had gone through many hardships with Jennifer since they were children; in many ways, he was like the brother she never had.). This doesn't only work as foreshadowing, it also informs the readers while showing more dimension to Jason (who's asking Jennifer about someone close to her, indicating how he feels). You could also do the same for interactions, like - for instance - "Jason's eyes turning soft when he gazed at Jennifer's back" chapters before you reveal his true feelings for her. Then there's description, that plays a big role. When you read my novel, you'll notice I describe the characters' features. For instance, let's use my MC, Jason. I describe him as having "short, messy hair", "onyx eyes that shone like black opals", a strong jaw and squared chin that's covered in a stubble, "sunkissed bronze skin", and a perpetual smirk. This description not only allows the readers to imagine his looks, but also his personality. His messy hair and stubble show he's carefree and doesn't care about his looks, while his smirk says he has a bit of a rogue personality (shameless etc). Almost every character was missing this, the description that brings a character to life. Then there's the third, one that sometimes overlooked even by me: personality through dialogue. Every person has a different way of speaking and it symbolizes their personality. Again, I will use my novel as a reference. The supporting cast each have a different way of speaking: Alina, the MC's sister, speaks frankly and is also free-spirited like her brother, yet there's a hint of melancholy underneath. Her classmate, Asami, is bubbly and cheerful, the heart of a group, which is shown when she's the first to speak with Alina, who is considered op by her class and possibly arrogant. Michelle is stoic and barely speaks, resulting in many assuming she's cold, but that's cause of her nature and the fact that English is her second language (I also added French dialogue in her sentences showcasing this). It all gives a character the personality they need. But in your novel, it's a little hard to differentiate; you could switch Jason and Zavier's dialogue and it'd sound the same cause none of them have a unique way of speaking and interacting. And it gets a little bad at times: I really thought that Jennifer's team was composed only of yes-men (and a girl who is more of a fallgirl for Jennifer) due to this lack of characteristics and personalities. It's not all bad and all, and I'm in no way criticizing your work, but I'm looking to help you improve it as I believe it is truly a good book worth investing. I hope you don't mind.
