webnovel
Shiksha_Jerath
Shiksha_JerathLv55yr
2019-07-04 10:52

This story is an uncut gem that will surely shine with some polishing... Having your sister suicide is traumatizing and then learning that she was may have been killed must be harsh on our MC but that sets the stage for his future development. Excited to read how the future unfolds for Red.. Good work author!

Liked by 1 people

LIKE
empty img

No replies. Be the first!

Other Reviews
Eslyna
EslynaLv4

NOTE THIS IS A CONSTRUCTIVE FEEDBACK REVIEW AND PROBABLY DOES NOT RELATE TO CURRENT STATE OF NOVEL *I am not coming back to update the rating* Ok, first of all you need to make your paragraphs smaller. You want your paragraphs as small as possible and seperate it by each time a new thought is started. There were litterally paragraphs covering my full screen on my phone, was worse than last review. You need to read your chapters more before you publish them btw, you are missing some commas, and errors you didn't fix like first page ., You had that. For commas, you can try speaking out loud or in your mind SLOWER that way you can catch the pauses. You need to put commas for but and and (most cases for and). Try to make some of your sentences shorter too. No reader wants to read a sentence that 5 lines long (on my phone). If you must make super long sentences, only do it like once a chapter. Put a space after your ..... and also you cant out commas after that ......, You don't need to capitalize if you are still continuing the sentence, just delete the comma though if you are using that. For things you aren't sure are right EVEN A LITTLE BIT just search what you wrote in google. like allright neesa a space. Try not to use all caps a lot. Its rarely used ib writing for a reason, as it does not fit in almost all circumstances. If you use all caps, you should only use it for one line paragraphs, which willmostly be a scent, noise, etc. PAINNNN, AGHHH, BLOODDDD, etc. Might be wrong about this, but I think lied is used wrongly (I think). For words that have the same sound to another meaning, ALL WAYS LOOK IT UP, too double check. Even if I'm wrong on that word, you should still do it. Try to desribe 5 senses and emotions more too btw. The characters felt too 2D and unrealistic in their actions. Like parents seemed like they didn't care one bit other than the conversation. For example you can write "A air of gloom surrounded the table, his mom's eyes were souless, his dad started to be out of shape, growing stubs of facial hair." Make it more relatable. Also this part is opinionated, but I feel you should change the synopsis a little bit. I just don't get the phrase, 'she was his ideal', like he loved her? He idoled her? idk don't get it. I honestly couldn't read after C1 as I already wrote so much... I just skimmed C2 sorry couldn't finish it.. Because of this I made story development a 4 to not be biased as I haven't read enough. I marked 2 for updates as its not haitus but the speed is way too slow.

Related Stories

IN THE EYES OF THE KILLER

The world is bright, even brighter than what I imagined. The first seventeen years were dull, spending all my time touching all things, pretending to be satisfied with the texture of it. Mom whispered, "The world is cruel, it's better for you not to see it." Dad uttered, "Secrets are meant to be secrets. If you heard that "access denied" don't ever cross it." The confrontation lacks weight as they try to intoxicate me with various information as I grow up. Let me ask you, what's essential? Is it your sense of smell, your privilege to hear things, your ability to taste everything, or is it your hands? Ever considered living without your sight, who are you? You define yourself as to what people tell you. You dress yourself the way they wanted too coz after all, it's their satisfaction that matter. You touch things to feel it, hoping your brain can understand what's behind a rough or a fine surface. From the start, you are seeing things differently to what they see for your eyes are their mouth and they only tell lies. Grandma said, "Be contented Lucy. You are denied of something for you are gifted about something. Isn't it fair?" Grandpa said, "You'll realize it as you grow older. You'll realize in time how having no sight is more of a fortune than a disgrace." Until I get older and my egocentric psyche grows with me, holding my hand and even taking over me. I wanted what's theirs, I wanted to have those. Let me have it please. Let me have a chance to see until I regret it. Regret seeing my mother cried in your hands, you cruel beast. You deserve to die. Let her live. Discord server:

Phantoms_are_true · Horror
5.0
32 Chs