Clouded_JadeLv46yr

2019-01-06 12:11

For a budding novel, the writing quality and grammar is definitely better and much more developed than other novels I find on Webnovel. I will be tearing into some points I found that might need improvement, and so some harshness will appear. So, the beginning of the novel. A decent pull, with an incident of paralysis of the main character, and the notion of dying and transmigrating into another world. However, the first chapter rings a severe alarm bell in my mind, and it would tell me to immediately drop it if such a problem isn't fixed in the later chapters: the lack of development, the all-accepting character archetype, and the systematic process of tell then show. First off, the novel transitions from an empty, open-ended background to an isolated environment, of which I take as either the "system's dimension" or the gateway between reincarnation. Just from the wording alone, the transition itself is rather choppy and sudden. The character jumps at the sound of an overhead voice in his mind, only to find himself in a new environment. There is no description of a transfer process, and the environment is rather vague in description, something that can be utilized to the author's advantage in world-building only if it is to be used again. That alone signals to me that if additional description isn't provided in the later chapters, the novel might as well be a can of dialogue. Next, the character is loosely developed, and is far too accepting of sudden transitions. When I state far too accepting as the character archetype, this is based off of how a "system" suddenly intrudes in his mind, and he doesn't panic except for the initial moment. Then he's accepting of it, and suddenly is capable of manipulating the system and requesting information as if he's used it for years. There's no description of the befuddlement or denial that ordinary characters would experience under such a circumstance, and even if he was described as an anime enthusiast, everything seems a bit rushed. The anime enthusiast trait should be carefully compounded in him slowly going over his memories of how the "system" seemed similar to the ones he had seen in the novels he read or the shows he watched. This also applies to the additional traits that the Main Character is supposed to have. A special trait pertaining to an ability is introduced, and then we have a snapshot of the main character having an occupation or hobby that related to that ability. No reminiscence, or compounded development, instead tossing them out as independent constructs. Although I can understand them to have relation, as the main character does possess the background to be familiar with such an experience or ability, the chapter doesn't introduce such a background or relationship at all, or does it rather poorly. Instead of writing that he had a background, a few more chapters flashing back to his previous life and especially the specified hobby or occupation will do wonders in developing the character and story (as the main character is a human). The main character being unfazed when facing an unknown or extraordinary experience is only acceptable if it's just an external appearance. The notion of experiencing teleportation should be accompanied with internal fear and panic at the very least, even if the character displays an indifferent, know-it-all expression. After all, the idea of human teleportation only existed in fantasy in the main character's previous life. Another error that would require revision is the story development and world background. As a transmigration novel, it is indeed acceptable to introduce a plethora of unknown, undefined concepts and ideas as long as they are explained or defined in the novel later on. However, after stepping into the "new world", where does the main character appear? What does the surroundings look like? In the novel, we have the main character step into an apartment building. He steps forth to exit, and quickly leaves. That's it. We don't know what the apartment looks like, whether it was different in some fashion to the ones in Earth, be it in structure, room design, or even the color of the wall. And instead of marveling at the new world and it's possible similarities or differences, the main character is only happy that nobody recognized him as a robber. It's just too sudden, and choppy to read. The other elements of the plot are also rushed. How does he fare in the examination? Just what questions did they ask, were they similar to the ones the main character faced? It seems like instead of the main character transmigrating, he's trapped in a dream. Everything is so vague, that it would require far too much imagination to construe a proper explanation or idea of what's being described or introduced in the novel. The flaws in world background stem to the lack of definition. I won't go into the rest of the novel's flaws, this should help you locate the rest of them and determine if you want to correct it or not. Since the novel only has 11 chapters, an overhaul to improve the character development, plot placing and world development would vastly improve the quality and appreciation of the novel. Overall, it's still a good read, and better than a good chunk of the ones I've seen on Webnovel so far. I'd add as a tip that whenever the system speaks, place the contents within [ ] to make it more distinguishable to the reader, especially if you have larger quantities of dialogue in the chapter. Good work!

The New Era Project

AzureBN

4.1

64 Chs