Engaging story! I enjoyed picking it up and reading about the world and the magical systems present. The character has a well defined existence and goal. Problems (constructive? I hope it's constructive) - Goals that were presented are already completed - Convoluted chronological order to the story - Poor exposition. The flow is murky at best. - Powers are not based on anything well known - his sword magic doesn't have any rhyme or reason as to what he can do with it. (Sins? Emotions? Blessings? It seems to be random/limitless. Guardian sword ? Vengeance sword? How are those things even in the same vein? Character has the sins, okay cool (envy... Wait that's it? No wrath, lust, sloth, greed, gluttony... Wait there is pride). That makes it confusing, if there are sins, then it makes sense to have the virtues. However there are no swords of virtue. Heck if you made it as swords of sin and shields of virtue. Or aspects. Like... Lust is underwear and chastity is a robe that covers him up? That makes sense. His magic can basically be re-equip magic. His armory based on conceptual framework and will manifest based on that which he uses as a focus. (Sins/virtues/roles/MMORPG classes/desires) I can't see an end if you make it use roles. Sword of the guardian, dagger of the assassin, boots of the thief... See how quickly you can become rediculous? Next comes spectacles of the scholar or the magical condom of the consort! (very different from condom of the NTR-er) I admit, maybe I missed what rule his magic operates on. As of yet I cannot understand it. Sword of pain? Sword of guardian? Sword of pride? Dagger of envy? Sword of retribution? How are those related to eachother? Anyways I felt like the story was interesting, engaging, had many factions, a lot of potential. Moral dilemmas, morality discussions, character growth and a variety of magical abilities. I wanted to outline the details that I felt were not fully thought through/fleshed out. The story rushed though what could have been 4 character arcs within three chapters. (Father being nice, father going crazy, brother being nice, brother being corrupted. - heck the mother/sword trainer would be his constant to help show the MCs development during these periods or been multiple arcs on their own). That could have easily taken 400 chapters! Seriously. During which the MC develops one.. goal? Him learning one new talent, and requires training during each arc. For example Arc 1 - world theory, Arc 2 - magic theory, Arc 3 - combat arts, Arc 4 - we finish with swordplay... Now we notice that the character is fleshed out. He has well documented growth and the readers have emotional investment. Because it was so rushed I didn't even care that his friend died, brother crippled, father became a tyrant and mother a prisoner. Oh and he's a murderer. But I didn't care at all. I didn't know any of the characters. They were just random faceless side characters. (Case and point: I don't think the wife/maid had a name) Anyways fix those things and this story is awesome, because there is a TON of good material here. You just gave too much, too fast. **. I do not mean to bash. I hope that this is taken as me highlighting the flaws in the story and gives a few methods of fixing those flaws. Not me trying to vent about something you put on the site as an original story. (I refrained from one word derogatory comments.. so in theory I think I managed to keep my comments as constructive feedback)
Liked it!
LIKE
Concerning the early chapters - I already started rewriting them. This was the first serious Novel I wanted to write, so the beginning didn't go too smooth. About his magic boundaries, I didn't explain it. Because the protagonist doesn't know. But a ****** hint: His desires (sins are indeed involved in them) are the main reason for a sword to appear. But I will take the advice for the first chapters, thank you. (The magic will be explained later, at the point the protagonist learns about it. Estimatedly in three chapters)
Thanks for replying so quickly. I was just crushed thinking that all this potential was being thrown away. Action scenes are great but you need emotional investment, and that needs the audience to be interested. When people don't understand what's happening it really doesn't help people generate interest in the long term . It's like going to a university lecturer where you have no idea what's going on. You just want to get out of there and use your time more constructively. OR maybe that's just me :) I'll spend some time and keep reading because it is an amazing world you've developed and a driven character. Excited to see where the story goes.
Sorry for replying so late this time, but I honestly didn't see this before. I started writing more, the first chapter is already changed. More will be changed soon, the chapter 10 (The 10th right now, it will be pushed further back by the extra content) is currently set as the last chapter to be "reworked". I hope it is more satisfying now!
