webnovel
NovelReview
NovelReviewLv15yr
2019-09-20 10:03

The author requested this review to be done from chapter 17 onward. Writing Quality- 2- Note that 2 is actually better than 90 percent of all novels in this platform. The prose is a bit awkward with long sentences separated by commas. In writing we must focus on giving rich sentences. Short sentences are powerful (But it doesn't mean that we should make all sentences short. It will sound awkward). Also there are unnecessary words which could have been trimmed. Take the beginning of chapter 22 for example. 'It wasn't an easy sleep, however, as every little noise wake her up. And then every time she would double check the locks on the doors, losing precious minutes of sleep every time' This could be cut to 'Every fleeting noise jarred her sleep. She would check the locks with every waking, precious minutes of sleep lost' You don't have to tell the readers that her sleep wasn't easy. All of us experienced this kind of hellish sleep before. There are typos and incorrect spellings but once again, your novel is better than most in this aspect. We make mistakes and without editors, we cannot perfect every word. One more problem I saw is the occasional transition to omniscient point of view. I forgot where but this did happen a few times. It is not a big problem though some readers will notice it. Stability of Updates- 5 - I rate every novel 5. Not many readers know this but a single chapter would take hours to write. Story Development- 3- Chapter 17 to 35 focuses on Dene, the MC's mother. I rate this high as her story didn't feel like a backstory at all (Given, it is 18 chaps long). Her rise from a defeated wretched is a compelling tale. Do note that the standard I used is based on published novels. 5 stars would be story development rivaling Mistborn or something. Character Design- 4- Dene is a great character. Her personalities are fleshed out and she feels real. The readers would understand her actions. The dialogues are also great. The author slips world building and personality traits into dialogues pretty well. 5 stars in this would be character design equal to Glokta in The Blade Itself. World Background- 4- It is a normal fantasy world with kingdoms and such sprinkled with unique things. Cultures and the people were explained well. I can't really say more about this as I don't fully grasp what Webnovel means by 'World Background' Additional thoughts. Although my review only spans chaps 17-35, I think the author should cut the prologue. It is too long and feels like a different genre. Prologues are meant to present a flavor to the readers. It is like the first sniff of coke or something (for the lack of better analogy. Don't do drugs kids.). Final thoughts. This is a great novel. I can't say much about the MC but Dene's story is rich with her character. 95th percentile compared to the other novels here is my estimate.

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JohnnyKbca
JohnnyKbcaAuthor

Thanks for the review. My writing style... yeah... I do believe that is my weakest point right now. In my opinion, the main culprit is my vocabulary, or lack of. Everyday I learn a little bit more, and the more I do, the more I'm aware of how much more I still need to improve. Anyways, thanks for pointing that out. As for the prologue, it actually wasn't intended to be a prologue. Back during the first writer's contest (I don't even know if webnovel still promote these), I submitted it as my entry. It was intended to be a short story about this guy who ends up reincarnating, with the focus being the events that lead to his death. The ending would be him getting reincarnated, with what happens after being to the reader's imagination. In the end I decided to turn it into an — awkward — prologue to a larger story. I do have plans to rewrite it, but I'm still not sure about its length. Regardless, once again, thanks for the review.

Other Reviews
Dan_Ryder
Dan_RyderLv3

Takeaway: Reading this story is like listening to the drunken tale of a deranged mad man as he slowly trys to fumble through an incoherent story he can barely remember. So first we have to start with Writing Quality, I'm going to give this a solid 2. And that's only because the author got a little bit better over his time writing the story. Most of the use of prose and syntax is ill advised. Author also has the *******ish habit of using any synonym for said he can find in his story. Instead of painting a vivid picture of what happens through words the author tells you. Stability of Updates: A solid 1, if you start enjoying this novel, which you won't, don't expect any releases soon. Story Development: There is none, we have an mc reincarnated into a new world. We then get a flash back 30/57 chapters available. Then mc gets a McGuffin and sets off on some type of quest. Throughout it all the author consistently fails the reader to deliver a coherent narrative. This has a lot to do with the stability of updates, it just feels like the author keeps changing direction constantly at what he wants out of the story. Character Design: The mc is interesting, but all of the other characters lack any discerning soul or individuality that it's very disconcerting. They might as well all be named Random Stand in #1 or Random Stand in #2 from all the times the author introduces new characters that have no effect on the over arching plot. If a character isn't important don't even bother naming them. I mean half the characters introduced sit in a 30 chapter flashback, so it's pretty bad. The mother who is the star of the flashback is a walking piece of garbage with no redeeming qualities. World Background: Just your standard fantasy world, filled with mysteries and mystique that never quite get answered. At 57 chapters in we still barely know anything about the world, the op mc has barely set out on his Mcguffin warranted quest. I doubt the author even knows anything about it at this point to be honest. The world background was not well planned or taught out before writing. Might as well call the world DND Module World #32 for the lack of world building that goes on here. Detailed Explanation/Spoilers: It's honestly not worth the time or effort to read. I only read this because I thought the author knew a little about the tenants of story telling. None of that is to be found here. The novel was not outlined before writing, and the author lacks any sense of creativity. Reading this story is like meandering through a random DND module, with a very drunk Dungeon Master. The story starts off with your standard isekai, with a male protaganist reincarnated and being op from his memories of a past life. For some reason the author then chooses to spend half of the chapters in the story telling a flashback about his mothers prime. Yep, half the chapters available are a flashback with no relevance to the story... This is where the drunken meandering comes from. We don't even get to see the protag settle into his new life until around chapter 36. Yep, that's right you gotta read from around chapter 5 to chapter 36 on a random flash back that brings nothing relevant to the story. If the novel stopped at chapter 34 the main character would be Dene and she's nothing if not unlikable. No redeeming qualities what so ever. She even tells an explanative sex story to the 10 year old mc on how he was concieved in chapter 30. Yep no redeeming qualities. There's nothing unique that stands out about the characters presented, and this has to do with the authors failure to create any type of personality for the characters. There's nothing in the entire story that makes me even care about the story of the protaganist. I mean we did spend half the novel in the point of view of the unlikable Dene for one. After explaining to my son the joys of sex, lets go take him on a murder spree a few years later. Cause that's how you raise a 13 year old boy in a fantasy world. Oh my son's talented, he's perfect for this quest created by my mcguffin! Thankfully we don't have to deal with the sex and murder crazed mom anymore as she tragically dies around chapter 45. So the mother's story and everything was leading up to our mc having a tragic past, but it's not tragic at all because his mother's a walking piece of garbage. After that we finally get the pay off of the reincarnated wish fulfillment of the mc stomping around a fantasy world, cause you know he was reincarnated and trained by his walking piece of garbage mother in the art of murder. This goes off even worse, because the author just fails to tell a story with any redeeming qualities. By now you're completely phoned out of the story, not caring who the newly crowned op mc meets or interacts with, as he entirely mary sues his self through the world for around 20 chapters meeting random person #1 and random side character #10 all to show his superior prowess as a reincarnator with wisdom beyond his age trained into a living weapon by his living garbage mother. In closing the author had a cool premise and good ideas trying to mash together the tragic backstory, reincarnator, op mc tropes, But utterly fails in the attempt. This maybe could be a good story if the author was more experienced and rewrote this story entirely without the drunken meandering, but I digress. Well deserved 1.2/5 not worth your time.

Ekeeper
EkeeperLv2
Maromar
MaromarLv2

John Yao has awakened, may death touch his enemies! Duality is an isekai reincarnation novel that dips moderately into cultivation and very lightly into litRPG elements. Its setup immediately provides a cushion for any overcompetance by making the protagonist a veteran U.S. Army Ranger who made it into the special forces and then the CIA. In my opinion, there are far too many works in the genre that feature a **** (and sometimes even a tween!) that makes the decisions necessary to survive in a hostile world without any kind of remorse, repression, or shock. It's become disgustingly common. The consensus is to let it be when a modern fourteen-year-old gouges someone's eyes out without having nightmares about it for years when the most hardened of veterans come back from war with PTSD. With John already being an adjusted professional I find it easier to give him a pass when he kills without a following bout of introspection. Duality has an intriguing method for dealing with themes of racism and otherism. That is, the text doesn’t “deal” with it at all, but serves it with all the subtlety of a three-legged giraffe on acid. This is a good thing given the world he’s reincarnated into. Racial discrimination and supremacist beliefs are naked in the North and so the narrative matches it rather than offering a one-off mention and not confronting the issue. Potentially contentious aspects need to be confronted directly, lest the story disrespects them. JohnnyKbca appears to understand this. The piece has clear ideas, some solid points of logic, and a willingness to look at uncomfortable topics in the eyes. That’s where my praise ends, though. Duality needs some love on the mechanical side. The narrative often repeats information or stutters between the past and present. The repetition is particularly damaging when mentions of Southern characters' race and physical descriptions crop up. It’s enough to establish that they are dark-skinned and treated differently due to the fact, doing so constantly with few paragraphs between instances throws readers out of the story, especially in cases where that isn’t the main focus. To some readers, this might seem like the text is fishing for points of some kind, but the issue is one of overwriting, not author tract. Readers might pay particular attention to where it’s present alongside racial issues due to our trained sensitivities (I caught myself and ended up reading the story a second time to make sure, I’m glad I didn’t jump to conclusions) Take this selection for example: “As for his religion, she learned more about it. The Holy Flame was seen as the greatest power in the universe and the creator of life. Since the beginning of time, it has been in conflict with its antithesis, the False Flame. According to their holy scriptures, the Holy Flame created all lifeforms and humanity was the perfect one. Envious of this fact, the False Flame attempted to create its own humans but was incapable of doing so.” While functional, it doesn’t flow. A lot of English geeks would end the commentary there, attributing good flow to something that you get a knack for producing naturally. They are wrong. Flow is just an overall impression that comes from the clarity of language, economy of words, and structure variation. It’s purely mechanical. Trimming the selection and using stronger language paints a more vivid scene and improves the flow. Observe: “Their “Holy Flame” was the greatest power to exist. It molded all life from its embers, lauding humanity as its most perfect creation. Incapable of such a feat, the False Flame fought eternally against its antithesis in a conflict born of jealous rage.” Not the cleanest but it does get rid of the uncertain language, allowing more of the imagery to come through and condenses two paragraphs into one. It also cuts out 35 words. This doesn’t seem like a lot at first face but when applied to the entire text it adds up. Note that in the original, the fact that the Holy Flame created life is mentioned twice, some readers might glance over this, but when touching vulgar or taboo subjects it stands out. You’ll notice that the narrative uses perspective shifts rather often. This is good for peeking at secondary characters or even elements of the scenery to get angles that the main character can’t provide. It is very hard to pull off in a manner that doesn’t do more harm than good. In Duality’s case, we get head jumping at strange times with little benefit. A particularly severe example can be found when John encounters a thief in the forest. There’s a constant back and forth that delivers much of the same information a single perspective could with a delivery that feels broken up due to the number of times the readers have to reorient themselves. An example that’s more up in the air lies in the large section devoted to Dene’s early days in the North where we learn about and empathize more with her than John. The story, however, isn’t done yet; lodging a complaint on that end doesn’t seem fair. I will say that careful consideration needs to be paid to the amount of time spent on flashbacks and alternative perspectives overall. If overused, the story will become messy and laborious to follow. Other more minor but still damaging issues include misuse of commas, odd word choice, some inconsistent capitalization in the earlier chapters, and overuse of alternative dialogue tags. In its current state, I find it difficult to say whether or not I’d recommend Duality. The issues stated are much more pronounced before the 17th chapter where the quality takes a jump for the better. I believe that the story would do well with a few days worth of editing to bring the entire piece to a consistent level and iron more of the glaring issues out. Failing that, I’d recommend rewriting or deleting the earlier chapters entirely, as drastic a solution that may sound. Duality is not a bad piece by Webnovel’s standards, it just feels like it can be pushed to be much more. To that end, I sincerely hope that JohnnyKbca isn’t disheartened by my review, but sees this as an indication of their potential as a writer. Keep being awesome.

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