Date: Friday, August 24th 2018 @ 3:45AM

I'm reading in here cause I lost my diary. Kill me! I have words stuck in my head: I CANT LEAVE YOU UNKNOWN (12)! or you can't leave me Unknown (12). I mean I like Unknown but it's not like I cant live without him. Somedays I fell so haunted, other days, not so much. All I know is that he's safe and I'm not. I doubted before for just a few days that I was right. That I couldn't be fixed, and now I know its hopeless. Or very hopeful. I'm waiting for the day that I can eat, sleep and breath without feeling trapped. Without a collar or a cage. Without boundaries. But it's all a lie. I can't breathe, my eyes water. What is this feeling. I still remember Unknown(12) saying that I was a friend. That he wouldn't let friends die. Mainly cause his cousin died doing what I am. He doesn't even know that half of it. I'm only just realizing that I've barried a lot of stuff, and the one person I wish to talk to about it, runs away. The one person who may understand is gone. What if Unknown (1), my brother like friend who apparently hung himself, and nobody cared about him till now, is an example of the way I'm heading. I'm only just starting to realize what I've missed. What I've barried, and it's because of Unknown (12). I miss Unknown (1), but Unknown (12) never could replace Unknown (1). Unknown (1) was worth everything. He was everything a man, teenager, and boy could be. He was more then a friend. More then a brother or a boyfriend. He was just more. To me at least. I miss Unknown (1) a lot. Just like I miss my grandfather. My grandpa was probably the only male figure in my life that I could talk to. He may have spoiled me but I was glad that I was at his funeral that day. I was glad that I had gone. He was always a ball of sunshine waiting to burst, cause knowing him, he's probably singing his heart out right now. I'm still rolling my eyes out right this second at his joy. I loved him like a brother, like a father I will never have, but I did, at least for a time. I feel guilty for not going on Sunday when I should have but its grandpa, he'd understand I bet. He was once a child, then a terrible teenager. I hope you know I love you grandpa. Always will, always have. I never told Unknown (24) goodbye either but I was young and showed it in a different way. A very different way. I also miss Unknown (25) and Unknown (20). Unknown (24) was there when he was needed. Unknown (20) was there mainly for me when I wanted her. Then I ended up knowing that when I wanted her it was cause I needed her. She told the best stories about farts, and Halloween. About placed, people and things. She was the only one I really ever let me call Willow the Pillow. We did crafts together, and I learned of Aunt Unknown or however you spell it. I wanted the doll she had to of her. But I was to scared to ask for it. I can never stand to look at the house cause I know she's not there anymore. One day I'll say everything that we did together. Like watching her play cards on the computer, I did that a lot. It was so much fun, just being there and living making memories. Its was wonderful a miracle. There's one more issue that I cant get past, and it's my sister Unknown (7). We used to be best of friends and I always feared that some day we'd fall apart. I just didn't think that some day would be now. I mean, I know I'm a pain but all I wanted to do was help. I was just pushed away. As if I was worthless, to her anyway. I honestly tried for her sake but I kept failing, now, now were nothing. It's as if she died to me. Unknown (9) says she's working on Unknown (7) but I don't know. I just want my big sis, back. How can she protect me if she cant even protect herself? Its stupid. I want to help, I wish I could but, she wont even hear me out. She wont listen to anyone really. I'll need a miracle for her, let alone my life. One day at a time I guess. See ya later dudes.