62. Chapter 62

"Let's get married," Derek said suddenly, cutting Meredith off, and completely destroying he rambling train of thought.

"I...what?" She stammered, trying to process his words.

"Let's get married," he repeated. "Tomorrow. We can go to town hall. Or drive to Vegas. It's what we need, Meredith. It'll make everything better."

Meredith opened her mouth to respond, but no words came out. The words that had first seemed to come out of nowhere were developing aetiologies in her mind. This was where his mind had been when she had been rambling about Alex.

"Come on," he prompted. "We could leave now, drive to Vegas and get married first thing tomorrow morning. What do you say?"

"Meredith," he prompted when she still didn't respond.

"I don't know what to say," escaped her lips in a whisper.

"Just say yes."

She met his eyes, her heart breaking at the wanting behind his gaze. Not the loving or passionate wanting she was so used to seeing in his eyes. This wanting was filled with desperation, enlarging his pupils and darkening his irises from the deep blue that melted her heart to an almost black hue she wasn't familiar with. This wasn't her Derek.

"Come on," he said again, shifting forward so he was only just perching on the edge of the couch, clutching tightly to her hand, as if he were only waiting for the green light from her, and then he'd be up and dragging her to the front door.

"Derek...I..." Meredith was still at a loss. Normal things that happened in a relationship were still unfamiliar to her at times, and she was damned certain this was not the way things were supposed to happen. Not only was she lost, but she felt like she was stranded on an unfamiliar island, unable to find a way home. And Derek was trying to use a boat with a hole in the bottom. And maybe there were sharks.

He shook his head. "No, don't...it's not... Just say yes." His legs stiffened as if he were about to stand, but he remained seated beside her, facing her, staring at her, waiting for an answer.

Waiting for a yes.

And it would be so easy to give it to him. It was such a simple word, just three little letters. She could say it, she could. It would only take a fraction of a second. She could say yes, and then the desperation in his eyes would lessen. And he'd smile. Maybe he'd kiss her before he stood. And then he'd lead her to the door. But they'd have to pack first. There were things they would need. Like clothes and money and ID. Meredith was pretty sure you couldn't get married without ID. They would drive to Vegas and check into a hotel. And he probably wouldn't sleep, because he barely got any sleep these days in their own bed. And then he would wake her first thing in the morning and they'd find a wedding chapel and they'd say I do.

And then he would smile and relax and everything would be okay.

Except everything wouldn't be okay.

Meredith would still have almost died less than a week before. Derek still wouldn't be able to sleep at night. She'd still have a recovery in front of her. He would still be stuck with the memory of her cold, blue and lifeless body in his arms.

She couldn't say yes. Her heart ached because she couldn't say yes. But what was her alternative?

"Derek," she said again, her voice still quiet, but stronger.

He pulled his hand away from hers as if it had burnt him. "You're saying no," he accused, his eyes hardening.

"No," she said immediately, and then winced and shook her head. "That's not what I meant. I'm not saying no."

His eyes didn't soften at all. "But you're not saying yes."

"That's right."

"Then what are you saying?"

"I'm not saying anything."

He released a frustrated breath and stood.

"Derek," she pleaded. "Please don't..."

"Please don't what, Meredith?" He practically spat.

The beginnings of a sob built painfully in her chest. It would be so easy to say yes. "Just..." A single tear escaped her eye. "Please come back and sit."

He shook his head.

"Derek. Please. You look like you're about to run away, and I don't know how far I'd be able to chase after you." No matter how tired she was, nor how much pain she was in, Meredith would follow him until she could no longer walk or stand or breathe.

He ignored her request to return to the couch, and ignored her comment, his only response to turn so he wasn't quite facing away from her, but he definitely wasn't facing her. And he wouldn't meet her eyes, instead choosing to stare stiff-jawed at the wall across the room. His body was tense. Desperation and frustration seemed to be escaping through his pores.

She drew in a shaky breath, trying to stop her hand from shaking; the hand that, only moments ago, was being held by his. And now it was all she could do not to reach for him. It was all she could do not to jump up and say yes to his crazy idea. Because underneath the crazy and the stupid and the irrational, it was exactly what she wanted. She wanted to spend the rest of her life with him, had known that for some time now. And she wanted to get married and start a family, and live a life that wasn't all about work. The things that had once seemed so out of her reach were being dangled in front of her, and she could only hope that after today he would still be willing to offer them. Because she wanted it, all of it. And she was ready. The nearly dying earlier that week had only cemented what she was feeling, had only cemented just how much she wanted the lifetime and the marriage and the family. She just didn't want it like this, couldn't accept it like this. Because this was not the way things were supposed to happen. And they couldn't make such an important decision right now. Getting married couldn't be out of desperation.

"Please look at me, Derek."

He turned his head so he wasn't looking at her, but picked a spot to stare at that was closer to her.

Meredith decided to take it as an olive branch, and continued. "It wouldn't change anything, Derek. If we went to Vegas tonight, or city hall tomorrow. It wouldn't change anything."

"It would change everything."

"I still would have almost died this week."

He cringed and turned away again.

"The whole ferry boat thing still would have happened, Derek. And I get that you want to forget that I almost died. Trust me, I get it. If it had been you..." She trailed off and shook her head. If it had been Derek, she would probably be doing exactly what he was.

"If it were me, I would do anything to make everything better. Do you really think I'd say no?"

"Do you really think getting married is going to fix this?" She countered.

"Apparently we're not ever going to find out."

"Don't say that," she practically cried, trying to remind herself that he was hurting and was simply lashing out because he was in pain, trying to convince herself that this wasn't going to turn into now or never, that she wasn't going to lose him.

He scoffed, turning to face her, his eyes dark and stormy. "I'm not the one saying no."

She was on her feet in an instance, storming up to him. "Do you really think I want to say no?! I freaking love you, Derek. We've talked about all of this. We want to get married. I want to get married. To you."

"Then why are you saying no?" His eyes calmed ever so slightly, a sign that he was actually hearing what she was saying.

"I'm not saying no. I'm giving you the opportunity to not actually ask. Because you haven't, actually asked, I mean. You've stated and you've kind of demanded. But you haven't actually asked."

"Is that the problem? You want me to get down on one knee and give a speech and then ask?"

"I think you want to," she said quietly. Her heart ached painfully. His actions and his words may be irrational. But they still meant something. He was offering her a solidified commitment. One she knew she wanted. It wasn't something she could say no to.

"What?"

"You like to do the romantic, sappy thing, Derek. I always pictured you getting down on one knee in a restaurant, or at Joe's, or out at the trailer, or..." out by the docks, watching the sun rise over the ferry boats, died on her lips. "You're not the type of person who proposes in the clothes you pulled on this morning because they were all you could find, to someone dressed in sweatpants and your shirt and has been eating pizza and icecream all day and probably looks and smells horrible. And you definitely don't propose with 'what do you say?'."

"I guess I'm not."

"No, you really aren't."

His hand reached out and he fingered the material covering her forearms "You don't look or smell horrible, Mer. You're always beautiful, especially when you're wearing my shirts."

She offered him a small smile. "You're the type of person who wants to plan something special. You're...you don't do things like this."

"You've really thought about me proposing?" He asked quietly, his stance still somewhat defensive, but his voice calmer.

"A little," she admitted. In truth, she had been thinking about it more and more the last week. Her best friend's engagement had left her wondering about the when and the how of the same step in her own relationship. But she had never imagined something like this.

"I can make it romantic," he said quickly. "I have a ring. I can go get it and come back and get down on one knee and ask for real, and then we can go to Vegas."

"Are you really the type of person who wants to get married in Vegas on a whim?"

"I just want to marry you."

"I want that too, Derek. And if you're really determined to do this, if you really, actually ask me, I won't be able to say no. But I'm asking you to wait. I'm hoping you'll wait."

"I don't want to wait. If we both know we want this, why should it matter if we do it sooner rather than later."

"Because it should be special."

"It will be."

"Derek, I haven't even met your family yet. That's important to you, I know it is. They should be there when we get married, and it shouldn't be the first time I've met them."

"They'll understand."

"And I still have fractured ribs, Derek. And I'm fatigued. We can't even... I want it to be special, our wedding day, and our wedding...night."

"That doesn't matter to me, Meredith. I'll wait as long as you need."

"But it matters to me. We're only going to do this once, and I want to be able to look back and not regret a single thing about the whole day. And not being able to make love to my new husband would definitely be something I would regret."

His expression cracked, tears welling in his eyes. He couldn't say no to her either. "I want to marry you, Meredith. I don't want to miss out on knowing what it feels like to be married to you, to be able to call you my wife."

The tears she had been struggling to hold back fell from her eyes. She wanted that too, desperately. But that was the problem. It couldn't be out of desperation. When they got married, they needed to do it for the right reasons. "I'm not going anywhere, Derek. You made sure of that."

His hands came up, cupping her face. She leaned into his touch, hoping this meant she had navigated the conversation safely. "I can't lose you."

"You won't."

"I want to marry you."

"I know. Me too. But we need to wait, Derek. We need to give our marriage the right start."

"Okay," he conceded, his eyes flashing with defeat before they shifted away from hers.

"Hey," she prompted, practically mirroring him as she lifted her hands to cup his neck and chin. "I'm going to say yes one day, Derek. When you ask, I'll say yes. Whether it's next week or next month or next year, I'll say yes. I promise."

His eyes shifted back to hers and he leaned in to press a light kiss against her lips. And when he pulled away he cracked a hint of a smile. "It definitely won't be next year."