31. First Fight

Derek slammed his car door and strode angrily towards the front doors of the hospital. Technically he was still off for several more days, but suddenly found the hospital as his only reprieve. He needed to be doing something constructive right now. And he wasn't above stealing a surgery, any surgery, from another neurosurgeon if he had to. That was the benefit of being a department head.

The walk across the parking lot was over before he knew it, leaving Derek to face off with the glass, double doors. The doors lost as they too were slammed around. He skipped the coffee cart; he did not need an influx of caffeine mixing with the adrenaline still pumping through his system from his argument with Meredith twenty minutes ago.

He couldn't believe her. He couldn't believe she had said what she had and expected him to be okay with it.

Scowling to himself, Derek punched at the red button to call the elevator. The bell dinged immediately and he stepped on, ignoring the other people riding with him. And when the car brought him up to the surgical floor, he continued to ignore those he passed as he strode towards the OR board, far from his regular, friendly self.

Nothing. Not one neurosurgery on the board. And not one scheduled for later. The board was surprisingly empty; only a few emergencies listed. He glanced down the hallway beside him, noting how empty and quiet it was. It was then that it hit him.

Sunday. It was Sunday. There were no scheduled surgeries.

Now what was he going to do?

And angry groan escaped his lips, and he pounded his open hand against the wall. It felt good, so he did it again.

"You better be careful the Chief doesn't catch you doing that," a very familiar voice called from behind him. "I don't think he's left the hospital in three days, so he's around."

Derek turned to face Miranda Bailey. Her voice may sound relatively normal, but she looked exhausted. Dark circles were indented under her eyes. Her expression was damper and sad. She looked...a little how he felt.

"Derek?" She questioned, her tired voice filled with concern, when he did not speak.

"I'm sorry, what did you say?"

She furrowed her brow, but repeated her statement. "I just said to make sure the Chief doesn't catch you doing that to your hands. You'll be in for an earful."

Derek scoffed. "Yeah, well, let him try. I have an earful for him." Anger swelled in his gut as he remembered Meredith's broken expression as she told him about the carousel the previous morning. And that had been after he had woken to find her twitching and crying in her sleep. And that had been after she had cried herself to sleep in his arms. After Izzy had finally gotten off the floor. After Meredith had finally cracked and broken down. After he and George had been quarantined. After Denny had died. After Meredith had risked her career for her roommate. After Burke had been shot and Derek had been forced to perform an intricate operation on a co-worker...

Bailey blinked twice, taken aback by the forcefulness of his words. "Why are you here?" She ventured.

Derek barely noticed that her voice had lost the confidence he had been so used to from his favourite resident. "I could ask you the same thing..."

Her lips curled upwards ever so slightly. "But I asked you first."

A hiss of air escaped his lips in the form of an annoyed sigh. "I just needed to get away."

She nodded in understanding. "How...how bad is it at home?"

He shrugged. "Fine until this morning." It had been fine until Meredith had opened up about an hour before.

"And how bad is it now?"

Derek shook his head. "I don't even know what to think. I'm angry. And I'm disappointed. And I... She can't just say something like that and expect me to be okay with it."

"That's not fair, Derek. It's only been three days."

"What are you..." Izzy. She thought they were talking about Izzy. He exhaled, forcing an angry breath from his lungs. Of course Miranda would be concerned for Izzy. Izzy was her intern; her fallen intern. "Izzy's doing okay," he told her.

"But you..." She trailed off quickly. "Oh, you weren't talking about her."

He shook his head. "No."

"But Izzy is okay?"

Derek nodded. "She is. She's been baking a lot, but she seems to be dealing."

Bailey sniffed. "Good."

He sighed and tilted his head, reaching a hand out to grip the resident's forearm. "Are you okay?"

For a moment she didn't speak or move or look up at him. For a moment she allowed his comfort. And then she shrugged her arm out of his grasp and glared up at him. "So, tell me why you've picked a fight with your girlfriend?"

He was taken aback. "I didn't-"

"Then why are you here, punching walls, when you should be at home with her? Wait, aren't you two supposed to be in New York right now?"

He nodded. "Yes, we are." The anger stewed once more.

She pursed her lips thoughtfully. "But you couldn't go because of Izzy..."

"Well, yes..." That had been why he had called off the trip. "But that's not the point." She should have wanted to go. She should have been disappointed that they would have to wait. But she hadn't been. She'd been relieved.

She had collapsed beside him in bed after having checked on their ever-baking roommate.

"How is she this morning?"

She pulled herself closer so that she was resting her head on his shoulder, her left arm strewn across his chest. "Okay. Though, I'm not sure if she's slept. She said she took a break overnight. But there are a ton more muffins today than there were yesterday..."

He chuckled. "She'll stop when she's ready."

She nodded against him. "I know. I just..."

"What?"

She picked at the fabric of his tee short with her fingers. "I just wish I could do something for her."

"You are," he assured her.

She lifted her head to meet his eyes. "Do you think so?"

He nodded and kissed her. "I know so. She knows you're here for her, Mer. And, trust me, that's all she needs right now."

"Thank-you." She smiled softly and leaned in to kiss him this time.

"You are very welcome."

She resettled against his chest and was silent for several moments. "Derek," she finally ventured.

"Hmm?"

"Can I tell you something?"

He ran his hand up her back to rest between her shoulder blades. "You can tell me anything."

She sighed heavily and lifted her head to meet his eyes. "I, uh, I'm sorry that we couldn't go to New York this weekend. I'm sorry you couldn't see your family, because I know how much you miss them..." She trailed off and returned her head to his shoulder. "But...I think I'm kind of glad, too..."

His breathing caught. "You're glad?"

She nodded subtly against him. "I'm glad that I have more time now. It was starting to feel really fast."

"Excuse me?" He demanded, forcing her off of him as he sat up.

Her eyes were wide when she met his gaze again and struggled into an upright position beside him. "It's not a bad thing, Derek. I'm not... I do want to meet them one day...soon...but I'm grateful for getting more time."

With a scoff in her direction, Derek leapt off the bed. "It's been eight months, Meredith. That's plenty of time."

She sputtered as she sat up on the bed, facing him. "I'm not saying I wouldn't have gone, Derek. I was willing to go-"

"Just not happy about it."

"No, that's not what I'm saying-"

"Then what are you saying?"

"Please, Derek, don't be mad. Just, come and sit, please." She beckoned to him, but he shook his head and crossed his arms, waiting to hear her out. She sighed heavily. "I was willing to go, Derek. But it's scary. And I think another month will be good..."

"Why not make it two months then," he shot at her. "Or three..."

"Derek-"

"Or, how about a year?"

"Derek, come on."

"Or, how about never? Is that what you want?"

Silence fell as she clamped her mouth shut and tears formed in her eyes.

He breathed heavily, his chest hitching with every forced intake.

"I would have gone this weekend..." She finally whispered.

"But not happily," he countered.

"I can't promise you I'll ever be 'happy' about it, Derek. But I was starting to feel a little rushed. And I'm grateful for the opportunity for another month. Because it's a big step. And it's scary."

"But it shouldn't be scary. And it's a step we're ready for. Hell, we should be in New York right now. You would have met everyone by now, and you'd see that it was fine."

"It's only been eight months, Derek."

"That's plenty of time! I've waited. I told you I would have taken you home before Christmas. I love you, Meredith. When are you going to start believing that?"

"I do believe it!" She finally raised her voice to meet his. "And I'm sorry that I'm, apparently, not worth waiting for. But I didn't grow up like you. And this is scary for me."

"Don't play that card. My family will love you."

"That's easy for you to say."

"What is that supposed to mean?"

"It means I don't have a family for you to meet, Derek. You, Izzy, Cristina, George and Alex. You're all I have. You're all I have in the world, okay? So, excuse me if the idea of flying across the freaking country to be judged by your entire freaking family for three freaking days is not topping the list of things I want to do!"

A million things pressed the backs of his lips, trying to come out. But Derek clamped his mouth shut and shook his head. If he continued this now, he would surely say something he didn't mean. "I can't deal with this now," he muttered.

"What is that supposed to mean?"

"It means I have to go." He stormed over to his dresser and pulled out a set of clothes.

She watched silently as he dressed, her moist eyes threatening to spill over. He loved her, and he wanted to comfort her, but right now he knew he needed to get away. Once he was dressed, he grabbed his cell and pager off his side table and shoved them in his bag.

He slammed the door on his way out of the room.

"What is the point, then?" Bailey asked, pulling him from his memory.

Derek sighed. What was he supposed to say? My girlfriend told me she didn't really want to go to New York with me to meet my family. We had to cancel regardless, but I still have a right to be pissed off. I've promised my life to her, and she's still not ready to make a commitment. He knew none of them would fly with the formidable resident before him. "It's been a long week," he offered as explanation.

"Derek."

"She didn't want to go."

"Meredith?"

He shook his head. "I thought everything was fine. I thought we were moving in the right direction."

"So, she called off the trip?"

"Well, no. I cancelled before I even talked to her. I knew she'd have to stay with Izzy."

"I'm still not seeing a reason for you to be beating up hospital walls when you should be at home with your girlfriend."

"She didn't want to go."

"So?"

He was taken aback. "So?" He echoed. "So...she should want to go."

"That's a weak argument, Shepherd. So, let me tell you something. I've been married for ten years. My husband and I have a good marriage and a wonderful son. But trust me, I never want to go and see my in-laws."

He cracked a smile. "That bad?"

She nodded. "But we're talking about you."

He sighed. "I have an amazing family. She'll be welcomed."

"Does she know that?"

"Of course she does. I've told her a hundred times."

It was Bailey's turn to reach across the expanse of space between them to grip onto his forearm. "But does she really know that, Derek? Because you and I both know what that girl comes from."

I don't have a family for you to meet.

"I know," he agreed. "But I want to give her a family. I want to share my family with her. And I can't do that if she won't give it a try."

Bailey pursed her lips and released her hold on his arm. "In my opinion, Derek, you're standing on weak ground. Didn't you just tell me that girl was prepared to go with you anyway?"

"Well, yes," he stumbled, "But that's not the point."

She held up a hand. "That, Derek, is exactly the point." And with that, she turned on her heel and strode down the hall, leaving Derek to stew alone.

With a sigh, he turned the opposite direction and headed for his office.

000

Hours later, Derek sat at his desk, spinning his cell phone around and around on the smooth surface before him as he stared at the still, green eyes looking out from the frame before him. He had tried lying the frame face down while he worked, but he needed to be able to see her. And now...he wanted to hear her voice.

So he was spinning his cell phone.

She was the first speed dial number in his menu. And he had lost count of the number of times he had punched in the one but hesitated over the send button. He had overreacted, he knew. And he had yelled and she hadn't deserved that. But really...he had a right to be upset. Still, though, he needed to apologize. And he really needed to hear her voice. It had been a long, stressful week. And he needed her; that would never change.

But he couldn't bring himself to call.

He had a wonderful family, one he wanted to share with her. She had never had what he had, but she deserved it. She deserved to feel a part of something. And he would give that to her. He loved her, and there wasn't a doubt in his mind that she was the woman he would spend the rest of his life with. And he didn't mind waiting for her to be ready, he really didn't. But he had thought she was ready. She should be ready for something so small as meeting his family.

If she could tell him she loved him, and promise to never leave him, and promise to be there through anything that would come their way, then why couldn't she meet his family? Why couldn't she want to do that? If she was really prepared to spend her life with him, then why was it such an issue? His mother would nitpick a bit, wanting to know every little thing about her, but not in an aggressive way. Meredith would be accepted. His sisters would wait for their mother to finish, and then they would step in for their own information. The brothers-in-law would be sent in to confirm things. And his stepfather would offer smiles of support and wry jokes, knowing you just had to live through the process.

His cell came to a stop in front of him and he picked it up, once again punching in the one button. And once again, his finger paused over the send button, and he flipped it shut.

"Shit," he whispered to himself, tossing his phone to the back of his desk. He buried his face in his hands and sighed heavily. He had to go home soon; he would just wait to talk to her in person.

A knock at the door interrupted his sulking and he looked up. "Come in."

The door creaked open, revealing the person Derek most did not want to deal with right now.

Richard Webber, however, wanted to talk to Derek. "Shep," he greeted rather sociable, shutting the door behind him. "Bailey told me you were here. Thought I'd see if you'd left yet."

Derek sighed as Richard plopped himself down into the chair opposite his desk. "Just came in to get some work done," he said noncommittally.

"Good for you. I, uh, wanted to ask how things were at home. How is Doctor Stevens doing? You and Grey live with her, right?"

Derek blinked. "She's doing fine."

Richard leaned closer to the desk. "Really, Derek, how is she? Has she talked much yet? Said anything important? Is she dealing well? Because-"

"Chief, no offence, but this is hardly your business."

Richard sat back a bit. "She was an intern in my hospital. That sounds like my business to me."

"As far as I know, Doctor Isobel Stevens quit, meaning you no longer get to make any of her life your business."

"Derek, come on, between us, I just want to know-"

"Well, I'm sorry, sir, but you don't get to know. Not from me."

"She was your intern too."

"At work," Derek countered. "But at home, she's my roommate, who just lost her fiancé, and deserves her privacy. So, let's try and maintain some professional boundaries."

"Derek, I am quite capable of maintaining professional boundaries-"

"Oh, really?" Derek cut him off. "Because that's news to me."

"Might I remind you that I am your Chief of Surgery?"

Derek scoffed, and suddenly all of the anger and emotion he had bottled up for a week pushed outward at once and would not be held back anymore. And the Chief was a much better, and more culpable, person to be subject to it than Meredith. "That's how you use your so called professional boundaries. When someone catches you in something, or you're uncomfortable, you use the Chief card. But seriously, Richard, do you expect me to be afraid of you? I can get a job anywhere. And I'm sure as hell not here for the money. So, you do not get to come into my office and demand that I speak about my roommate and how she is dealing with the loss of her fiancé. Okay?"

Richard said nothing and Derek seethed. "Now, about these so called professional boundaries that you're so good at keeping? I sold my practice and moved across the country with the promise of being Chief. Then I get here and find out that I'm not the only candidate you promised the job to. And then, after I change my schedule around to operate on you, you go and choose Burke to step in as interim chief." Derek broke off with a stilted laugh. "And all because you disapproved of my relationship, when Burke was doing the exact same thing as me."

"That may be true, Derek. And in retrospect, I am sorry. But I was not aware of Dr. Burke and Dr. Yang's relationship at that time."

"Would it have made a difference?"

"Of course."

Derek scoffed. "Really? Because I've been dealing with a hell of a lot more crap than Dr. Burke had in the past months. And you know what, I finally found out why. And it has nothing to do with the fact that I didn't come to you. It has nothing to do with how committed you think I am to my relationship. It has everything to do with which intern I fell in love with."

Richard's eyes widened and Derek took joy in knowing how much he had over the other man.

"Ellis Grey, huh? You screwed her, and then you screwed her over."

"Derek-"

"You treated me like crap for months, and then you sat beside me and told me you had had an affair, but not with whom. And this whole time, you've treated me differently because you had an affair with Meredith's mother."

"Meredith told you?"

"Of course she did."

"She shouldn't have told you..."

Derek seethed at this. "Excuse me?"

"All of that happened a long time ago. And Meredith and I had a conversation that should have been private."

"Meredith and I don't keep secrets from each other. And that's a pretty big one, don't you think? She had every right to tell me."

"It wasn't what you think, Derek."

"You told me it lasted your entire residency."

"Well, it did..."

"Did you know she was married?"

"...yes."

"Did she know you were married?"

Richard sighed. "Yes."

"So, tell me what you seem to think it was? Because it sounds a hell of a lot like an affair to me."

"I loved her, Derek. You know how it is-"

"Don't you dare," Derek spat back. "Don't you dare compare that to me! My marriage was over when I came out here. I met Meredith and fell in love with her. Addison and I finalized the divorce. The end. Meredith was never an affair."

"You were still married."

"I was separated. There's a big difference."

"Fine. But it still wasn't as bad as you think. I loved her. And for a while, I thought we could make it work. But...I knew I couldn't make her happy, not like she deserved. So, I let her go, because I loved her that much."

Derek blinked. And then he blinked again. And then again. And then he laughed. "That's the stupidest excuse I've ever heard. You think breaking her heart made her happy? You think that woman has been happy in the last twenty years?"

"It was for the best."

"For you."

"Derek."

"No." He shook his head. "At least be a man about it. You made the best decision for you."

"I wanted to make the right decision for everyone."

"Well, who's happy now? I heard Adele left you. So, you're alone. Adele's alone. Ellis is alone. And Meredith grew up alone."

"She didn't grow up alone..."

"You think Ellis Grey gave a crap about her daughter? Do you think she was ever around? If I told you half of what Mer has told me, you'd be horrified. She cut all ties, Richard, did you know that? Meredith never saw a single member of her family again, including her father. Ellis dragged her across the country, and promptly ignored her until she left the house. And then, when she got sick, Meredith was the only one she could call."

"It's not my fault Ellis got sick."

Derek ignored him. "And you broke up with her right in front of Meredith. How do you do something like that? How do you break up with a woman, who you've made to leave their husband, in front of their five year old daughter?"

Richard sighed and at least had the decency to look sorry. "She remembers that?"

"Of course she remembers it. It was a turning point in her life; probably the last time Ellis ever took her anywhere or did anything with her."

He sighed again. "How bad was her childhood?"

Derek scoffed. "What childhood?" She didn't have a father. She barely had a mother. No siblings, like he did. No pets. No holidays. No fun. No... Derek paused in his thought process as his mind spun. She hadn't had anything he had had. She didn't have the experiences. And she didn't know enough about them to even know what she had missed. He swallowed hard and inwardly chastised himself. Of course she would be scared. She had every reason to be afraid, because she honestly had no idea what she was walking into.

And she had been willing to go with him anyway. Because she loved him. Because she trusted him.

And he had let her down.

"Derek?"

He shot his eyes up to meet Richard's all the anger he had focussed on the other man turned on himself. "Sorry, what?"

"What did Ellis do to her as a child?"

Derek blinked. Okay, most of his anger was turned. Some of it was still geared towards the other man. "Crossing the line again, Richard."

"Derek..."

He shook his head. "No. Because that would be telling you something my girlfriend told me in confidence."

"But-"

"You have to deal with the ramifications of your actions, Richard. You made your choice. And you don't get a say or a listen in her life."

"I didn't mean for anyone to get hurt."

"But people did." Derek shook his head and stood, motioning that he would need to get going soon. "Now, I'd appreciate it if we kept our relationship professional at work, from now on, Chief. And I expect to be treated the same as Doctor Burke from now on. Or I will file a complaint; because this has gone on long enough. I have done nothing wrong."

"I'm sorry, Derek."

"I have to go."

Richard stood. "Okay, but I..."

Derek paused as he pulled his jacket on. "What?"

"Originally I came to...since you're still in Seattle, I was hoping you could come in and do that consult for me tomorrow? My patient with the tumour infiltrating his lower spine?"

Derek had to remind himself that Richard was looking out for the best interest of his patient before he strangled the older man. Richard Webber may be a lot of things to him right now, but he was always a good and thorough doctor. And he cared for his patients; it was why Derek had taken a liking to him so many years before.

"Uh, I'm not sure if I'll be free. But I'll call and let you know either way."

"I appreciate that."

"Okay."

"Okay, thank-you, Derek. And, without crossing that line, I am sorry for the way I've been treating you. It was unfair."

"Yes, it was."

"I just...I care for that girl, even if I walked away from her mother twenty years ago. I did love Ellis. And, for many years, I looked at Meredith as the girl who would one day be my stepdaughter. I don't mean to hurt you, but I feel the need to look out for her."

Derek debated for several seconds before deciding he could handle a few more moments of a more private conversation. Maybe it would do some good. "But she never became your stepdaughter, due to your decision. And I get that you want to look out for her, and...hell, I even respect it. But, Richard, so do I. I love her more than anything else in the world and I am going to spend the rest of my life with her. So, please, stop trying to get in the way."

"You really love her?"

Derek said nothing, but met Richard's gaze straight on.

The older man sighed. "Of course you do. I'm sorry I was...interfering. But I'll do my best to stop. From now on, I'll treat you and Burke the same."

"Thank-you. I appreciate that." Derek stepped out of his office and pulled the door shut firmly behind him. And then he hurried towards the elevator. He had to get home.

He had an apology to make.

000

Izzy was in the kitchen baking alone when Derek checked the room. Meredith's jeep was still parked in the driveway, so he knew she was still home. He strode quickly up the stairs and across the landing to their room. After slight hesitation, he decided not to knock, and quietly pushed open the door.

Meredith looked up from the bed, surprise and apprehension lining her tired eyes. She was sitting cross-legged on the bed, leaning against the headboard with a text book and notebook in her lap. She said nothing.

"Hi," he stumbled as he closed the door behind him and moved to stand before her, but making no move to sit. "I was a jerk."

She still said nothing, but her expression softened ever so slightly; enough for him to know she was hearing him out.

"I was so caught up in going home and introducing you... I was so excited to take you home... I never stopped to see it from your point of view."

She sighed and set her pen down in the inner spine of her notebook and closed it. "You told me I could tell you anything. And then you yelled at me and left. And now you show up again."

"Of course I showed up, you didn't think I would?"

She bit her lip and paused. "I...wasn't sure."

Derek ventured to sit on the edge of the bed, turned to face her. He still did not move to touch her. "Hey, I live here, okay? I'll always come home to you, Meredith. Even if I yell. Even if you yell. I'll always come home."

She blinked several times and he recognized a sheen of moisture behind her gaze. "I...didn't know if you'd come home or not," she admitted. "We've never done this before."

He nodded. She was right; they rarely argued, and had never had a fight of this magnitude before. "No, we haven't," he agreed. Something in her expression caught his attention and he found himself continuing. "You've never done this before, have you?"

She shook her head. "No, I've never done this before."

He offered her a supportive smile. "Well, this is how it works. Sometimes I'll be a jerk. And sometimes you'll be a jerk. And we'll fight. But then we'll make up. It's how it works. And like I said, I will always show up."

She swallowed hard and nodded. "Okay."

"Oh, Mer," he shuffled closer, coming to rest beside her and wrapped his arms around her. "I'm so sorry I yelled. I'm so sorry I was so horrible to you."

She leaned against him, allowing his comfort and he was grateful for it. "It's okay," she sniffed.

"No. No, it's not." He pulled away far enough to meet her eyes. "Look, Meredith, I overreacted. I was so excited to be taking you home that I forgot just how novel a situation this is for you. I saw it as a small step in light of all of the other steps we've been taking. And I never realized just how scary it was for you."

She nodded silently.

"Because you've really never done this before. And you didn't have a family of your own to gain any experience with."

She shook her head sadly.

"And you tried to tell me that."

She nodded.

Derek sighed. "And I'm an ass."

The corners of her lips curled upwards and she nodded again.

He laughed. "You weren't exactly supposed to agree with that one, though I suppose I deserve it. I am sorry."

"It's okay. I know you were excited."

"I do want to take you home, Meredith. But I can wait as long as you need. Really. We can wait more than just a month if you need it. I know you said you weren't ready to move out of your mother's house until you were finished your internship. We can wait for that to go to New York too."

She shook her head. "I don't want to wait that long, Derek. Another month will be fine. I thought I was fine with this weekend. But then...I just freaked out."

He hugged her tighter. She was trying so hard, and he just hadn't seen it before. She loved him and she trusted him enough to want to go with him even if it was scary and completely new circumstances for her. "You want to tell me what you freaked out about?"

She shifted to move the books out of her lap and pressed herself close to him, leaving no space between them. "Everything," she finally whispered. "I just...suddenly everything seemed like it had happened so quickly, you know? I was ready for each step by itself. But then when I sat back and saw everything as one giant leap...eight months seemed like such a short amount of time." She sighed into his chest. "I wasn't one of those girls who dreamt of this stuff, Derek. But it's happening to me anyway, and sometimes I feel like I'm having trouble keeping my balance."

"Are you okay...with this it happening even if it's not your dream?" He asked hesitantly, not sure if he really wanted the answer.

She lifted her head quickly. "Hey, that's not what I meant at all. I never had a dream, Derek. And I was too afraid to want or hope for anything like this. And now that it's happening...it's scary, but I'm so glad to be doing all of it...with you. I love you, Derek. And I want all of these things now. You've made me want things. But eight months suddenly felt like too short a time to be wanting the whole lifetime thing and everything."

Derek inhaled sharply as he suddenly understood. "And meeting my family was just the next step."

She nodded. "I guess so. And the next available chance to freak out."

"I'm so sorry I wouldn't hear you out."

"It's okay, Derek. You're here now."

He smiled and kissed her head. "I'll be here always."

"You'll always come home."

His smile widened and he pressed his nose into her hair, inhaling the intoxicating lavender wafting from it. "Always," he confirmed.