Chapter thirty-four

"Sorry," I say to him.

"Huh?" he exclaims. "Why are you apologising?"

"I –"

I start to stammer through my words, but I hear a familiar voice. This voice belongs to a usually carefree girl who's constantly babbling on and on about her favourite animes, but now she's worriedly asking questions and holding the shoulder of another familiar girl.

Lilli and Emily.

Trying to trek back through the crowd to our seats is the rest of our group, Lilli in the lead, stumbling. Emily is right beside her, a hand on her back. As they pass through the shoulders of more and more people, I notice Charlie behind them, confused and trying to catch up. Then I tilt my head more and spot Ben chasing after them. Well, as fast as you can chase people while holding two large drinks.

I push myself away from Harry.

"Tasmin, what's wrong? Who's –"

Without responding, I grab Harry's wrist and drag him through the crowd, not looking back as I weave through the undulating sea of people, faces hidden by shadows, now not looking so friendly that I'm purposely rubbing shoulders with them.

Sorry, people. There's someone important I need to see.

With a hand forward, it must look like I'm trying to find my way through the Sahara Desert during a whirling sandstorm, when I'm really just trying to get as close to Lilli as possible.

"LILLI!" I call out.

She doesn't respond, but she turns her head slightly. Still ignoring me.

It's like a breath of fresh air when I break through the wall of people with Harry, his confused muttering making me feel sorry for him, but I don't give us any time to think or breathe. We finally pull up to the rest of the group.

"Lilli, what's going on?" Emily asks. And I thought I was in the dark with what was going on. It looks like Lilli hasn't told anyone what's wrong. "Come on, Lil', we can't help you if you don't tell us what's wrong!" Emily says frantically.

Charlie places a hand on Lilli's back, rubbing carefully. "Lilli, you're okay," he whispers.

Finally, Lilli lifts her head and eyes me. Her face is usually pale, but it's now paler than usual, and tinted a very light green. And if my eyes aren't playing tricks on me, her eyes are bloodshot. She looks very unwell.

I'm finding it hard to believe that this is the person keeping secrets from me. A tidal wave of guilt knocks into my chest. Lilli knows that I've been trying too hard to be Harry's friend, smiling more around him, displaying an exaggerated version of my happiness. I've been ignoring the fact that Lilli isn't keeping secrets to leave me in the dark. She's keeping secrets to keep me safe.

I'm so selfish, making everything about me.

I reach forward and brush a hand over her forearm. "Lilli, maybe we should get some water and sit down," I suggest, watching her sadly.

Lilli attempts to say something, but immediately slaps a hand over her mouth, like she's going to vomit. Then I realise why she's feeling unwell. I'm so used to being at sea that I hadn't even noticed the swell tonight; high.

"No –" is all Lilli manages to blurt out.

"No?" we all ask.

"Um…" Emily hums. "Do you want some food?" Emily asks. This makes Lilli almost throw up. "Oh! Um… how about a hug?" Lilli chuckles, struggling to smile, and shakes her head no. "Then… Do you need to lay down?"

When I feel seasick (the last time I was, I was about ten), I usually just need the toilet bowl right in front of me at all times, but Lilli nods at Emily's suggestion.

I perk up. "Lilli, I'll take you back to the cabin then."

She glances up at me with sincerity for the first time in what has seemed like an eternity, and it's a sigh of relief, but all she says is, "No need."

"Lilli…"

"Charlie will take me," she informs us, then slowly turns to face Charlie, who nods confidently as if he'd just been assigned an important mission.

"Yeah," he says.

"But…" I mutter.

"What?" Charlie says. "Don't trust me?"

Lilli and I exchange glances for a second, but the moment breaks, and Lilli's putting an arm around Charlie's shoulder, struggling to meet his height. They start to stumble away. Emily bids Lilli a good rest, and so does Ben and Harry, but I just feel stupid standing here with my mouth hanging open.

I rush over to Lilli again, putting a hand back on her shoulder. "Lil', are you sure you don't want me to, um…"

She shakes her head at me again. "Go have fun. Be careful."

After they leave, I stumble back over to where Emily, Harry and Ben are standing.

Ben mutters, "What now?"

Emily gives him a slap on the back.

"Hey! What was that for?" Ben exclaims, shielding the drinks he's still holding. "It's not like I made Lilli sick."

Emily glares daggers at him, and looks like she'll scold him, holding up her finger, but then storms off. Ben glances at Harry, then me, and runs off after her.

The slow dance concludes and morphs into an upbeat, off-the-chat melody, which I'm not pleased to hear. The mood should be anything but happy right now. It's not fair that everyone else is having fun, and Lilli has to deal with being sick on a special night.

I still feel guilt, and I'll carry it with me until I can apologise to Lilli, and maybe afterwards as well. I wish I could say that I have every right to be upset right now, but Harry's standing in front of me, watching the dance floor, probably wishing he had someone to dance with him, but here I am, close to a panic attack nearby.

While Harry's gaze is trained on the crowd, I return to our vacant seats and plop down into an armchair, not minding at all what I look like. It takes a minute for Harry to turn and notice where I am, but he immediately comes over.

"You okay?" he manages to ask me kindly, despite me ditching him.

"I'm fine," I sigh. "But Lilli isn't."