CHAPTER 1

Philautia Chamenos

If my things could walk or stand on their own, I wouldn't mind standing on the sidewalk on a hot Monday morning just to wait for a spacious jeepney to pass by but sadly, they couldn't. With three books in my hand and a backpack stuffed with my journals/notebooks and books, here I am standing on the sidewalk with a very haggard face even though my day had just begun.

Engines rambling overpowered almost everything. The sun is directly hitting my face along with the smoke being released by different vehicles passing by. I can also hear gossips, chitchats and unending blabbers from the people beside me—it's a normal start of a hectic day. Ang hirap talaga makasakay ng jeep sa ganitong oras, buti pala maaga akong lumabas ng bahay dahil paniguradong late ako kung sakali. Nang makasakay naman ako at makapagbayad ay nagsalpak lang ako ng earphones sa tenga ko at nag-isip ng mga bagay-bagay tulad ng mga gagawin ko pag-uwi ko sa bahay mamaya.

Should I read?

Maybe I'll just write and continue my pending works.

P'wede ring tumugtog na lang ako ng gitara?

My life isn't much of an exciting fairy tale—it's not even one. I've grown to believe that I live because I have to and there's no other choice. Some might say there is because there's death but yeah, I don't know but I seem to disagree that death's even a choice. Ganito lang buhay ko pero, wala lang. Ganito lang talaga. Sometimes the sun shines very bright and sometimes it doesn't because of the clouds blocking its rays just like how life can be very fun except when certain circumstances gets in our way; either way has benefits and disadvantages, I mean, lahat naman 'di ba? Every day is a subject called life, matagal matapos. Hindi ka p'wedeng magdropout, walang cutting, absence at walang holiday. Araw-araw may pasok. Pero, mayro'ng late. Life is a series of shortcomings; there are times we regret because we're too late though hindi naman maiiwasan. People tend to depend more on luck, nakakaaliw isipin. I'm not an optimistic person, lagi nila sinasabi na napakanega ko raw ngunit hindi ko naman makita sa sarili ko ang gano'n.

Nagpatuloy ang pagmumuni-muni ko hanggang sa makarating ako sa school. Pumara na ako at nagsimulang maglakad papasok ng campus. Before reaching the main entrance of the campus, kailangan mo pang maglakad ng ilang minuto kung hindi ka nakatricycle o service para idiretso ito sa loob. Students were already rushing inside, anong oras na rin kasi, kaya nagmadali na rin ako patungo sa classroom. I'm a senior high school student, grade 11 to be precise and I am taking STEM-Engineering and Mathematics. This school have already implemented a learning strategy in which kahit SHS pa lang, isesegregate na nila ang STEM with your future career interest as a basis—STEM-Health and Sciences for those who are aiming for Science-related courses and my strand for Engineers and the like. Nang makarating ako sa room ay sumalubong sa akin ang tawanan at ingay ng mga kaklase ko. What do I expect with a strand composed of boys as majority?

"Good morning Phi!" bati sa akin ng isa kong kaklase na sinuklian ko naman agad ng tango bago dumiretso sa aking desk, sakto naman ay dumating ang subject teacher naming.

Buong klase ay lutang ang isip ko. As usual, my mind is filled with overflowing thoughts na hindi ko alam kung saan nanggagaling. I am a quiet person with a loud mind. Minsan gusto kong iuntog ang sarili ko nang matahimik ang utak ko. Naisip ko bigla si Lolo, sana ayos lang siya ngayon. I miss him so much.

Life is so unfair.

Napabuntong-hininga ako sa sariling pag-iisip. I wonder why life always tend to give you worst memories and the worst part is that, the things you don't want to remember end up to be memories you can't even forget. Sometimes, they even haunt you until you breakdown. Life is indeed unfair. But then, even if it is unfair, even if the world is uneven, it's the thing that makes life even more worthy of living. It's the reason why life becomes exciting and interesting. Everything happens for a reason and that reason is our job—it's for us to seek for a reason why; why we're sad, why we're happy, why we're weak, why we're strong, and why we're all vulnerable.

But some people thinks that, why will they live if life is giving them the reason to die, which almost happened to me, until it didn't.

Confusion always get me every time. Nakakalito ang araw-araw, my decisions have neither been worst nor better but I still have so much regrets. It's our choice to live with regrets, or just let things happen and just live the most of it. Everything gets harder and harder as I grow up. Well that's reality. We might think that happy endings exist like what happens in fairy tales, but it doesn't. The ending will never be happy. Every ending can never be happy. Who'll be happy to know that his/her story ends here? Nobody. I know most of us wish that things won't just end, a selfish thing to say but it can't be helped kasi lahat tayo nagmamadali araw-araw na maayos ang lahat bago pa tayo mahuli.

Somehow, I really wish that, before that ending comes before me, I would like to know how my existence would affect other people's lives. I want to be a writer—and yet I am in an engineering strand, but I really do want to be a writer. Gusto ko ring maramdaman ang mga bagay na hindi ko maramdaman. I wanna study every detail of life. I wanna be happy, not the happiness that would last for seconds but the one in which I can say I am contented. I want to jump out of my comfort zone, I want to release myself from a den I, myself, have created. I am too isolated with my own insecurities and self-doubt to the point that I have feared to feel too much emotions. May maganda ring naidulot 'yon. I've learned to trust less and isolate myself more from people with unclear intentions.

"Good morning Ma'am, sorry I'm late!" rinig kong sigaw ng kaklase ko pagkapasok pa lang ng classroom.

"Mr. Sarco, you're late, again! Where's your admission slip?" masungit na sagot ng gurong nasa harap naming ngayon

Kahit kailan talaga.

"Nandito po ma'am." he chuckled.

Dumiretso siya sa tabi ko at napabuntong-hininga ako. Ito pa ang isang dahilan kung bakit sa tingin ko ay ang unfair ng buhay at mas gugustuhin ko pang manatili sa bahay kaysa rito.

"Pst, Phi."

"What?" pabalang kong sagot.

"Good morning!"

"Sira na ang umaga ko, Samuel."