Chapter 21: "Aw, c'mon I can't be dead."

'Ugh. What's that damn noise? Is that music?' Harvel thought, rubbing his temples. Well, he tried to rub his temples. He thought he was rubbing his temples, yet there were no hands to rub them. There was nothing at all to be entirely fair.

He attempted to look around. 'Huh, no neck. Can't see... Am I dead? Aw c'mon I can't be dead. This isn't what death is like! Death is all blood and torment or pearly gates and getting to see my dog again, right?' Harvel thought, attempting to pat at his person with hands that weren't there.

'Who are you talking to?'

'What? I'm not talking.'

'Yes, you are.'

'My lips aren't moving.'

'What lips?'

'Ah... Good point.'

'Harvel I'm not going to mince words here. You don't have a lot of time. If you don't get ahold of yourself soon you-'

'Are you god?'

'What? No, I'm not god Harvel I'm... Your consciousness. Yes, I'm your consciousness telling you that you're going to die if you don't do as I say.'

'You know, when you say it like that I can't help but feel like you're lying to me. What. Is. That. Damn. Music?'

'Oh, that's just something I'm using to occupy your brain to keep it from gelatinizing. Don't remember the name, it's something from the old world. That's not important, now, I've got some help coming your way but it can only do so much.'

'Why is it so loud?'

'What?'

'The music. Why is it so damn loud? I can't hear myself think.'

'That's the point. Look, the eukaryote is attempting to take over and eject itself from your body. If it does, any of the injuries you've sustained will open back up and if they do I don't have to tell you what happens then.'

'Yeah, I bleed out on a bathroom floor. What are you even telling me to do? I mean I get that I have to, as you put it, "Get ahold of myself", but what is that even supposed to mean?'

'You need to find your self. Find the very root of your existence and pull it to the surface. It thinks you're trying to kill yourself, what with the knife and all.'

'I'm a simple man, simple concepts please.'

'You know that anger that is constantly sitting in the back of your mind? The rage built into every fiber of your being? The little twinge that makes your fist move before your brain does? You need to find it and beat the eukaryote over the head with it.'

'Hmm, I think I get what you mean, but I'm not really that guy anymore.'

'Oh, that's very nice Harvel, maybe you can tell that to the eukaryote and it will politely stop throwing a liquidation sale for your gray matter. Understand something Harvel, it needs to know you're in control before it will allow you to be.'

'I thought Bukky said you were polite. She also said you might be some sort of ghost but I'm guessing that's off the mark. What are you?'

'A friend. And, I'm polite to Dibbuk because Dibbuk is a polite person.'

'Now that sounds like bullshit to me. The friend thing, not the politeness thing.'

'Not entirely. I'm here to help Harvel.'

'That sounds like an extra helping of bullshit. Bullshit a la carte maybe.'

'Bullshit or no, you need my help here.'

'I'm... not going to deny that. What do you get out of this? Helping me I mean?'

'Harvel, how long do you want to live?'

'Is that a threat?'

'It's a question Harvel. One you're going to need an answer to sooner rather than later.'

'I'm not sure. I guess a normal lifespan. Die at eighty, grandkids, that whole spiel. You?'

'Oh, the same I suppose, but we can't all have what we want. Grandkids, eh? Not looking good Harvel, you might want to get on that.'

'Hey I'm trying here.'

'Oh, are you?'

'Yeah I'm tr-' Before Harvel could finish the thought, he felt what he could only describe as a fist, harder and with more force than he'd ever felt in his life, slam directly into what he thought was his nose.

'Then get angry Harvel. I know there's a well of infinite rage inside of you overflowing and spilling out into your mind. Every day you walk this planet watching as lives around you spiral slowly and inevitably towards meaninglessness and you can do absolutely nothing about it. That apathy you feel slowly infecting your brain will eventually take you and everyone you love with it. And, nobody will care.'

'It will be slow and just painless enough for you to never notice it yourself. Has it never bothered you that after just a few years down in that sewer you've started to care less and less about yourself and the people around you? You used to have friends remember? You didn't look like you were just pulled out of a homeless shelter a few years ago.'

'Look I just, I just don't know if I can deal with this shit any more. My rage, and my anger are what put me here. Dibbuk had to stop me from ruining my own life just a few days ago. If I just let my anger at the universe throw my punches for me, by the end there wont be much of me left. I put us down in the hole we work in. I'd be letting her and everyone else down to dig myself any deeper by selfishly giving in.'

'You might not see it often but rage is there inside your sister as well. She grew up dodging the same paving stones you did. Whether she admits it or not at the very least she admires your ability to express it, even if she disapproves of your inability to suppress it.

It's not a bad thing to use the rage when you need it. Don't think of it as giving in, but accepting that it is a part of you. And, I think I should inform you that Dibbuk is further down now than she or you have ever been.'

Harvels brain ruminated on this for a moment before catching back up. 'Wait, what is that supposed to mean?'

'Ah, well, let me elaborate.'

In a brief moment of intense clarity Harvel felt as if memories, numerous and vast in complexity, were rushing full force into his head. Thousands of voices, screaming, crying, whispering, and laughing surrounded his mind as if he were trapped in the waves of a great ocean. Languages he could never hope to understand pressed in upon him until he could no longer tread water. He felt himself sinking to the bottom like an anchor dropped overboard with no chain.

Then he reached the bottom. Or, he felt as if he had reached the bottom. A calming darkness expanded outwards into the abyss filling Harvel with a sense of contentment. He could have stayed there forever in the stillness, suspended in peace between the present and the past.

'Ope! I went too far down, better pull you back up.'

'No! Wait! Please, let me stay here a little longer. This feeling... it's...'

'Darkness Harvel. It's peace in it's purest form. Below the screams and laughter and chaos is peace within the darkness. I've felt it myself every day, but Harvel, this feeling of contentment? It's a poison. Once you've felt it the chaos you live in every day will slowly destroy you.'

'How? I can't imagine anything so wonderful.'

'That's why Harvel. Not even your imagination can give you this feeling. No matter how hard you try reality will drag you up kicking and screaming from the deep.'

'Who are you? How do you know any of this?'

'In a way, I'm you, and eventually, with understanding, you will be me as well. You know my name already, you just aren't aware of it yet. We can get to that later though. For now, let's get back to the task at hand.'

As quickly as he had descended into the depths of peace, Harvel was lifted from the bottom and pulled up until he could see the light shining through the waves above. An image, like a dust cloud formed around him.

It was Dibbuk, surrounded by darkness, slumped over onto her knees. He could hear the low, unsteady bouts of growling he knew from experience to be her sobs. He could barely make out the mud surrounding her.

'Where?'

'Deep within the sewers. Past what you know as level four.'

'That isn't a sewer. I should know. How'd she get there?'

'You're right, it isn't, but the only way to get there is through the sewers. She did something somewhat stupid and caused a cave in.'

'Alright, I'm going down there. Also, why am I so calm? I feel like I should be hyperventilating a little or something.'

'Good man, and you're so calm because I'm keeping you that way. The moment I stop you're most likely going to explode a bit.'

'Well, from everything else you've said it might help me out. What about the others?'

'Others? Oh, your paramedic friends you mean. They should help you if you're honest about it. They're good people. I have to go. Other appointments to make. Remember, only you can keep the evil mushroom from liquifying your brain.'

As the voice flickered in and out of earshot, Harvel felt as if he were being pulled the rest of the way out of the water. Though, instead of watching as the waves slowly disappeared below him, the moment he felt his head break the surface he was back in the bathroom. For a moment he watched as Parker tried desperately to saw through the column of eukaryote holding him in place. And then he was angry.

Emotion, raw and unfettered washed through his brain like a poorly coordinated strangers coffee soaking his favorite shirt. It was as if his mind were being flash fried the way it burst from cool and collected to boiling rage in the span of a second. His body moved before his brain did.

With all the force of a freight train Harvel pinned Parker to the side of the stall, barely stopping short of bursting through to the other side. If he could have spoken with his eyes he would have said something like, "Thank you for all the help, but you should probably run." but all that came out of his mouth was "Hrngggg!"

Harvel felt a twinge in his stomach. He'd forgotten about the knife. It hadn't gone in very far. Maybe about half an inch, but that was all it took to piss off the eukaryote. Little stringy growths, like fingers wriggling their way out of his stomach began to work their way up the blade and around Parkers knuckles.

Harvel would have screamed if he could but the eukaryote was already attempting to make it's way out of any available orifice. He tried to breathe but the growths had already filled his throat and lungs. He could feel them wrapping themselves around the base of his teeth. It was a dry feeling, like sand filling every square inch of his being.

Harvels throat convulsed as if he were coughing but no air could escape. As panic set in he tried to lock eyes with Parker in a final plea for help but she was too distracted trying to free her hand from the growths still pinning it to the knife. Before he could make any further attempt to communicate he felt the eukaryote spread past his mouth and begin creeping across his face.

The world began to go black as he struggled against the pull of the tendrils until he had no strength left to give. He wanted to scream, yell, groan, anything that might indicate that he was still alive, but still nothing came out. He had barely enough time to see the two orange lights that were Parkers eyes fade into nothing before the eukaryote had closed up over his own.

'Not this again.' Harvel thought, frozen in the darkness. 'Mother! Fucker! It's like whenever I think I know what I'm doing it gets fucked up even worse.' Harvel finished, looking around. Realizing that he wasn't in fact looking around yet again. He felt as if he were below the waves of memory and consciousness but something was off.

If he wasn't in the middle of a surge of uncontrollable anger Harvel would have noticed sooner that the sea of voices was suspiciously quiet. He looked around and listened for the unmistakable voice he'd heard before. There was something tinkling around in the darkness. It almost sounded like bells ringing from a great distance away.

He could see a darker patch of sea to his right. The darkness seemed to concentrate on that one spot as if it were the epicenter of the sucking blackness. He tried to get closer but couldn't seem to gain any ground. Every step more labored than the last.

If he could just get close enough he might be able to rip it to pieces. That was all he could consider doing at the moment. He almost shook with anticipation at the thought of digging his fingers deep into whatever was doing all of this and pulling until there was nothing left. To end the life of whatever was attempting to end his.

As he pounded away at the salt and the sediment beneath his non-existent feet he grew more and more exhausted. There was a form there beyond the reach of his grasping hands. He could swear he was gaining ground, but the moment he felt as if he were close enough to touch it, it would shift again.

He didn't know how long he spent repeating this process. Over and over again, he reached and grasped, the tips of his fingers growing sore from the force of slamming into his empty palms. 'You... Little... Fucker... I'm gonna... Fucking... Guh... Shit... ah, fuck it...' He thought, losing his strength and residual rage with every mental breath.

He kneeled down, fuming indignantly as he stared at the dark spot. 'Fuck this. Not enough rage in the world to make the damn thing move anyways. Fuckin voice lied to me.' Harvel thought, laying down on his back in the silt. With the weight of the ocean above him pressing him further and further into the sand he gave up.

'What's the point anyways? If I kill the damn thing I just get to live the rest of my days as a damn waste-walker. If I die on the other hand I get to lay here in the peace and quiet. For once in my life I get some peace and quiet, and I didn't even have to punch anyone to get it.' He thought, watching the particles of sediment he'd kicked up dancing around him.

Again, Harvel felt the contentment that the voice had shown him. 'That's what this place does doesn't it? All the anger and rage and sadness, just gone. Like it walked away into the night. Don't know what that other guy was bitching about. Seems pretty nice honestly, feeling this way all of the time.' He thought, sinking deeper into the sand.

'Stuck. Stuck here. On this rock. Damn lizards, damn bugs, damn monkeys... All of em useless.'

Harvel hoisted himself up onto his elbows. 'I thought this place was supposed to be peaceful.' He thought, staring at the dark spot.

'Not even this one. New Spore? Feh, gonna have to find another. Lizard might do better next time.'

'Oi, pipe down over there! Some of us are trying to be content.' Harvel thought, annoyance creeping up through his peace. The spot shifted. He could swear it was looking at him.

'Useless monkey. Lizard will definitely do better. Done waiting on them. Bug? Failed. Lizard? Failed. Monkey? Failed, twice. lizard might do better. Lizard then.'

'Oi! Shut it! Even in death I can't have any peace or quiet.' Harvel thought, kicking silt up in the direction of the thing.

'Bug dies, bug quiet. Lizard dies, lizard quiet. Monkey dies, monkey keeps screaming. Useless. Twice as useless.'

'And, what are you then? The fungus?' Harvel asked, clenching down on the sand between his fingers. The thing scoffed.

'Fungus. Fungus, eukaryote, mold. First monkey calls me that. As if it knows. Monkey thinks that because it has a brain it knows everything. Feh, useless. Nutrients all the same, like lizard and bug.'

'Fine, not a fungus, I don't really give a fuck either way. Just shut up and let me relax would you?' Harvel thought, turning over and facing the other way.

'Relax. Relax? No, no relaxing here. Only the next step. Gotta use lizard. Already closer. Already angry like monkey.'

As he lay there listening to the entity mutter about monkeys and uselessness something occurred to Harvel. If he was already dead, given that he was in fact the monkey the thing was talking about, was this going to be the rest of his eternity? Listening to that damn thing complain for the rest of existence?

'I guess I can put up with it. Not much I can do about it now. At least the rest of my family is alive and...' Harvel remembered Dibbuk, sitting alone in the dark, deep beneath the streets. 'Well...' In his haste to give up and accept his fate he'd forgotten about his sister.

'Yes, have to use the lizard. I like blue and green.'

Realization struck Harvel. It was muttering about Dibbuk. It was going to do to Dibbuk exactly what it had done to him. He turned over again and eyed the entity.

He didn't know quite how to feel about it. There was anger there of course but there was something else. Something he couldn't quite define. Like a spice you can't identify added to a food you've always loved. The rage filling him had an intensity he'd never quite felt before. Harvel began to pull himself, legs still submerged in silt, towards the entity.

'You, whatever the fuck you are, are not putting one slimy little tentacle on my sister.' Harvel thought, shifting inch by inch towards the darkness. At first it seemed to ignore him again, gibbering to itself on a loop about lizards and green, but as he drew closer he could feel it growing more aware.

'Oi Mr. Mutters, did you hear me?! Not a single! Fucking! Tentacle!' Harvel continued, now scrabbling his way towards the thing. He expected to find himself just as unable to cover ground as before but something was changing. The thing wasn't just aware anymore, it was nervous.

'Monkey doesn't know. Monkey still thinks it's alive. Wont stop screaming. New spore will change that.'

'And I'm going to keep screaming. I'm still alive, whether you want it or not! Your new spore ain't changing shit!' Harvel thought, making up the last few inches of ground before he was face to face with the entity. He reached out, expecting his hand to pass right through the thing, but was surprised to find his hand wrapped around the back of the being.

Now that he was close enough to make out the shape of the thing he was immediately taken aback. He'd seen the types of things the sewer produced deep in it's murky waters, but what he saw was nothing like anything he'd ever heard of. The form before him was of a small, grotesque mushroom-like creature.

Screaming distorted faces covered every square centimeter of it's being. He couldn't actually tell which of the faces had been speaking to him. The mouths moved in imperfect unison.

'Monkey dead already. Lizard alive, lizard angry, lizard better.'

'Monkey angry you little twit! Monkey so fucking angry that monkey doesn't care if you're a fungus or a god or mold. Monkey is going to rip every one of those little faces off until each and every one of them stops screaming!' Harvel raged, pulling the fungus as close as he could stand.

'Monkey is already dead. What is monkey going to do?'

Harvel slammed the creature into the sediment. 'Then bring me back! Or else monkey is going to keep-' Harvel slammed it into the sand again. 'Beating you-' Again he smashed the form into the silt, 'Until you do.'

He dug his fingers into the eye holes of one of the screaming faces and bent the thing backwards. 'I can do this forever. This is fun for me, little punching bag that you are.' Harvel seethed, pulling on the entity in an attempt to uproot it from the sand.

'No monkey cannot stay here! Monkey must leave!'

Harvel could swear he heard fear in the things words. 'Then. Put. Monkey. Back!' He spat, teeth an inch away from one of the eyes. There was a moment where he could almost see the expressions change on the many faces. They leered up at him, prompting another slam into the sediment.

'Fine. Angry monkey is useful monkey. Save lizard for later. Monkey will be alive, but monkey will suffer. The spore brings only suffering.'

'Works for me you little shit.' Harvel thought, as he felt himself begin to lift out of the sand. Before he was ripped free, he made sure to hold on to the little face his fingers were imbedded in for good measure. He figured he might as well leave the pitiful creature with a guarantee that if he came back this particular monkey would cause it the kind of pain it wouldn't forget for the rest of its existence.