Lillian

Monday August 9

I'm feeling really worried my mother keeps asking questions about to why I don't want to invite people over for my birthday, I mean its in September why does she care now? It's never been the same for me since Caydence called it quits ya know? She was my rock, my bestfriend and it just wouldn't feel right having people over. I know I should move and I'm really going to try for school, I want to reinvent myself even if I have to fake everything fake the smile, the laughs, the personality I'll do it all. I just need to kind of prove to myself and if i changed I'd have more friends I mean I know of some people who like me but I just don't like them. Should I be giving them the chance? I don't know but I really want this year to be great I mean everything has been seeming to get better and I don't want to school to ruin it for me. The suicidal thoughts haven't been around for a couple weeks which I'm really happy about. The depression is still kind of the same but I do feel as though I've had more purpose now that sister has arrived!

Tuesday August 10

Fuck only 7 more days until I have to go back I mean I don't have much anxiety about it anymore but I'm just not ready for summer to end ya know? Wyatt and Charlee have gone back to school schedule so now I'll only see them like twice every 2 weeks I'm not ready for that! Charlee has been the only person there through it all and now when she needs me the most I won't be able to see her I feel like I've let her down dramatically. But todays therapy day so I at least get to talk with the therapist.

Well that was nice I got to talk about a lot of things and it makes me feel a bit better. Talking about what happened with mother and I stills makes me feel angry, I was eating which I normally don't eat anything until dinner but after that I had to do chores and I wasn't going to skip it but unfortunately I have a picky cat who won't use the litter box unless its clean enough, filled enough and has the right litter. So before I could get to it she used the 'extra room' as her personal litter box. Which I can understand why mom was mad but I cleaned it right away. But of course mother just had to take it all out on me "If you want to be treated as an adult you have to be responsible" I understand that but I was literally minutes away from doing it but I still always hold my tongue because whatever I say gets dragged on so I just shut up around her. "I can tell you have something to say, say it I'm your mom you should be able to talk to me" Not after I voiced my opinion about Kirby and got yelled at for it. "Therapy should be teaching how to converse with me and build your social skills do I have to quit sending you to it" Why do you have to threaten what's helping me and I don't think its supposed to help me talk with you. But I could never say anything to her so I just sat there holding my comments to myself then she had to go and threaten my cat. "If you can't take care of her she'll have to be and outside cat or we'll have to get rid of her" But that's when I just kind of broke and words came out like word vomit 'She's been there for me more than you have, she doesn't judge me, yell at me and she doesn't make me worthless or like I'm an outcast!' and then she says she "slipped" but i know what she really meant to say when she said "I love your sister more than you......I meant than your cat!" Yea mom I know what you really meant I love this kid more than you because she's not lazy, doesn't talk back and I'll finally get the perfect child I want and maybe she'll even become a doctor! You said all you needed to say. And I won't ever take it out on my sister or anything like that honestly if I could have a second chance I'd take one too.

Thursday August 12

Today was a relatively good day It was rainy all day so I just had to do some chores and then got to play video games all day. But at like 1 in the afternoon my mom came to me and said my sister was sick and she was taking her to the hospital I didn't go just incase they had to work with needles I'm deathly afraid of needles. At like 5 Kirby came back to our house after work and to my surprise he just hung out and played video games with me which kinda made me like him a bit more. But when mom came home she said it was gonna be a ling night because sister was fussy because of her sickness which is still undetermined.

Um so its 1:10 in the morning here and Lilly Wray (Who I didn't end on good terms with) facetimed me I picked up because I didn't save her number but I did assume it was her number so I just decided 'fuck it' and answered she literally just asked what I was doing and if me and Cayd are still talking which I'm pretty she she knew the answer since her and cayd are best friends. We all used to be a trio but things got nasty between me and her and then Cayd dumped me. So I don't know why she called but if she wants to be friends again I'll just say 'fuck it' cause I really don't have anyone and I see it better to have a bunch of fake friends than to have no one at all. But yet again I doubt it because there were a lot of words thrown around and most were hurtful and I'm pretty sure I caused most of it but I'm trying to learn from it. And honestly I don't know about Caydence she tried to contact me in like the middle of summer just checking on me but I was a complete ass because if how hurt I was but there's no going back. SO at this point in time I'm think someone kill me before I kill myself. Me and Charlee talked about going out together. And honestly I know as the older cousin I shouldn't encourage anything but I don't really think I did she told me "Lillian I'm having really bad suicidal thoughts" "Char honestly if the good outweighs the bad you'll still be here but If you do ever what to go out honestly I'll go with you" I don't dear death itself I fear the pain. But if Charlee really wanted to I wouldn't stop her just go with her because honestly right now its ok for me to go. I would still be leaving behind a whole world of opportunities but this world is a horrible, nasty place and I don't really want to be apart of it.

I know I said I go into more detail of my past, and I will but right now I don't know where to start and how to word so for right now I'm going to do journal like entries.