Going home

I just place my twins in the living room, as I take in everything around me. Can I live here? Can I do this? I don't know. It made no sense to me, that the house was left exactly how it was. Nothing changed. I leave Ichiru downstairs going upstairs into our old bedroom, seeing Zero's clothes in the closet, his eyeglasses on the nightstand and his work clothes hanging on the door, even his gun is where he left it. I sit on the bed, not able to contain myself, as tears roll down my face. I wipe my eyes and get up wanting to go into our son's room, and it's the same as well. Just now I have no use for it, I have to turn it back into a nursery.

"Zero why?" I still ask myself." It would have been a bit easier if I was still your wife, your son was ten, and things were as they were. I know you meant well, but I don't want my years back, I want our life back." I say.

Ichiru sees that I am taking a while to come down so he goes upstairs to see if I am ok, finding me in my son's room sitting on the blue comforter on the bed. This was a lot to handle, I hated it.

"Are you ok? I see that everything is the way you two had it. His stuff is all over the place, Do you want me to clean it up?" Ichiru asks.

"No, Please leave his things for now. I am not ok but there isn't much I can do. I need to make this room a nursery and do the spare room, a room for my daughters again. I have to start all over again." I say.

"I can help you with all that, its not a problem. I think for tonight we should get something to eat and just watch the babies. They have their bassinets for now so one night should be fine. I can stay also to help with the babies, I am sure you will need my help in the middle of the night." Ichiru says.

"Thank you that means a lot. It would nice if you stay, I don't want to be alone in this house. There are memories everywhere. We can go out tomorrow to get them some things, we are good for tonight." I reply.

"Great, I am no chef but let me get something for us to eat. I am sure there is something in the frig I can warm up." Ichiru responds.

"You do that, I will be right down," I comment with a smile.

I try to stay strong for Ichiru, knowing this is a lot for him also. All of a sudden he is a father to two? Taking on that role and role of babysitting me, to make sure I don't fall apart. I never really go to fall apart in the past. Always trying to keep Zero together, Zero happy. Making sure he wouldn't leave me. He did take care of me and watch over me. He was overprotective at times, I just didn't want him to see me weak.

I leave my bags in my son's room, not wanting to enter our old bedroom again. The memories hurt me. To remember us in that bed together, and then he was gone, I just can't face it right now. I take myself downstairs, seeing Ichiru fixing us something to eat. I just stare at him, as he reminds me of Zero, standing there making us dinner so many times in the past. I have to take a double look, to make sure it's not him, and also to stop myself from running up to him and not letting go.

We sit there at the Island in the center of the Kitchen and eat our roman that was leftover. I just pick at it, as I am not very hungry at all. At dinner, Ichiru tries to talk about getting things for the baby's room being very into this, since it's his first time around. Making suggestions on colors and themes. I also know he is trying to take my mind off of everything, I just can't help but think of the last time I did this, it was with Zero getting ready for our son to be born. I just try not to let him see that, this was special for him, let him enjoy it. At least someone was.

After dinner, we go into the living room to change and feed the babies that are now up and wanting attention. It's a big relief to have him here since I never really took care of two babies at once before. He seems like a natural at this, picking them up, feeding them. Who would have known?

"Your really good at this, You know that?" I say.

"I did babysit ZJ when he was a baby....the last time. I always enjoyed being around him. I guess now I just get to be more hands-on." Ichiru states.

"Yea I guess your right," I reply.

I sit on the sofa, as I rock this tiny little girl in my arms, watching her mother hold her twin brother. I see the heaviness inside her taking over even though she is trying to save my feelings. She was good at doing that, she has done it the whole relationship with my brother, always protecting him. I am glad in the way she wants to do the same with me, just at the same time, I want her to grieve. I want her to be able to just be herself around me. I am not Zero, I can handle it, I am not that fragile.

I am glad she is letting me stay at the house at least for the night, I want to help her in any way I can. I want to get closer to her and the children. I do have to admit, its weird being in my brother's home, and playing father to his children, at the same time wanting to be his wife's everything. If I am honest, it's pretty fucked up. Then this whole thing was. I will do my best to be there for her in any way she needs. Right now she needs me strong and supportive so that I shall be. Even though I miss my brother just as much as she does, not to mention my mother and father. They chose to leave me, to go with him. Everyone chose him, what was so wonderful about Zero? He outshined me in the Manga and did the same thing in real life. I just have to think I can get over this as well, he left me his life. He wanted me to have it, to cherish it, better than he did, and I can do that better than he did.

Once we put the babies to bed, I see that Alexa doesn't go upstairs to their bedroom, she stays on the sofa all night wearing one of his old tee shirts and sweat pants. I also notice she put the ring he gave her back on, not to mention his wedding band on a chain around her neck. This isn't going to be easy. He was everywhere. In our thoughts, in our memories, in this house, and mostly in her heart. She needed to let go and not put those back on, not live in the past. I just know at this moment I can't say that to her. She needs to want to do that herself, I just don't see her doing that anytime soon.