Chapter 68

More time has gone by, the babies are now past a year old. I enjoy going to work every day, being my old self. I feel happy again, I feel free. Ichiru and I have made our friendship grow. We are a bit closer than we were. He will hold my hand, and try to put light kisses on my cheek when I enter a room. I can see he wants to build closeness and I try not to push him away. We haven't gone any further than that.

I now sleep in my old room, in my bed I shared with Zero. I have put some of his things away, just keeping a few things around in memory of him. I still do wear his slippers, and keep his glasses on the nightstand. It makes me feel at peace knowing he is there in some way. I don't bring him up as I used to, trying my best to let things go more and more. I also see that Ichiru is happy, and for some reason, I want to keep him that way. He has been so kind to me, I just have to admit, it's hard to process all of this at times. I am just winging it, trying to get on with my life the best I know-how.

One day when work is over, Ichiru comes to my office, telling me that he has to stay later than usual. He has to go on a stakeout to find out some things for a client. He will drop me off at home, the go back to work.

I have to admit this is new, as for the last few months we have always gone home at the same time, and ate dinner as a family. I think, to be honest, its what has kept me sane. I do know that he loves this job, and I don't want to keep him from doing something he loves. I just go home and make dinner for the twins and my girls, who now live with us. I have gotten the all week, living with me, and weekends with their father. Things are now normal again. I proved to Joel, that I am my old self, and that nothing was going on. I had no other choice, I wasn't going to lose them.

We sit down to eat, and even though I have all my children there, it feels like something is missing. I haven't felt like this in a while, just the thing is. It's not Zero I am missing, its Ichiru. That sounds a bit weird and strange to even admit to myself. Why do I feel this way? I miss our conversation, him helping me with the dishes and the twins. If I am honest, I miss it all.

I finish up the dishes and put the twins to bed, just thinking about him. Wondering if he is having an ok, evening alone in a car. As I am thinking about this, my phone rings.

"Hey girly, I hope dinner was good. I wanted to call you earlier but I waited for you to put the twins down." Ichiru says.

"Hi, I was just thinking about you. Dinner was good and I left you some in the microwave. How is the stakeout going?" I ask.

"It's ok, boring if I am honest. I miss being home with you and the kids." Ichiru admits.

"I miss you too, "I confess.

Ichiru stays quiet for a moment, taking in just what I said, not sure he heard me correctly at all.

"That is nice to know. I will do my best to come home soon. Maybe we can hang out a little before bed?" Ichiru asks.

"I would like that a lot. I will wait on the sofa for you. We can talk while you're on the stakeout too. I know when you get home you will be tired." I respond.

"Yea, I am already but I just need for him to come out and take some pictures, then I can leave," Ichiru replies.

We talk on the phone for at least two hours before, Ichiru is able to come home. He gives me a step by step of everything happening. We have a great time together. Enjoying it, and making it fun. It was nice being a part of it, and knowing exactly where he was, and what he was doing. I notice he never lets me wonder. I believe he does that on purpose since with Zero I always wondered about a lot of things, even when I didn't have to. This relationship is so different in that way. I don't have to worry someone is going to come to take him away. Or that he is in love with someone else. The only one he sees is me. I have to admit, its a sigh of relief.

When Ichiru finally comes home, I am waiting on the sofa. He comes in, and we go into the kitchen for him to eat, and talk a bit more. It's funny how we talked all night and still are not tired of it. He manages to keep the ball rolling as if we haven't talked at all today.

"It's pretty late, you need to get some sleep. Thank you for keeping me in the loop tonight." I say.

"No problem, thank you for keeping me company. I really did enjoy it. It was a lot of fun. Plus I got the evidence I needed for the client." Ichiru says.

"I am not sure she is going to like what you found. I am glad I am not in her shoes." I admit.

"Same here, it's hard when you love someone, and they stray." Ichiru comments.

"I know that all too well," I answer.

"I will see you tomorrow morning. Get some sleep." Ichiru says kissing my forehead.

"You too."

I go up to my room, as Ichiru heads to the basement to his. I climb into bed, tired yet, not able to sleep. I am restless. Why do I feel like this? What is going on with me? I can't answer those questions. I just feel differently than I have. For some reason, I feel closer to him, in every way. I want to be around him, next to him. I feel safe, and like it's where I should be. I never thought I would feel that.