Thought of 3 am

I believe in the greatest truth of life which is Death. What's the point in living in hell when dying can puts end to all our sorrow, this is my favourite topic at 3 am to think .

Me who has completed 20 years of hell and waiting for a sign of miracle which either starts with happiness and ends with sadness.

Through these past 20 years of my life I cried , enjoyed, laughed,shout but one question I was never able to answer is what is My purpose in life??. I wonder how people at my age or early finds their purpose so soon and live a resolved life but for me life is like a maze the more I tried to find a way out the more I am losing my sight . I am ashamed of myself because I haven't decided what I want in life , the career I want to pursue ,the life I want to live these questions are so much for me to handle therefore I use a coping mechanism to divert myself and increase dopamine for upgrade my mood which is imagination . I live more in my head than in my house . So here I am an overthinker ,under achiever and a total mess .

I do also have a multiple personality whenever in my room I am a depressed but while interacting with society ,family and friendss no one can tell what's on my mind I am also a great actor in hiding my feelings and laughing at others joke when my own life is a sad poem ,now after digging into my life for over 5 minutes I used my imagination to get me out of my state and to visit a practically impossible world in which I am happy my life is sort and everything is about me , it's also a good way of inducing sleep that I needed the most after all this hardwork of processing my life .now according to my time table I have to wake up at 5 am the time is now is 3:10 and I will probably sleep at 3:30 to 4am so for me waking up at 5 and only having 1 hour of sleep is impossible but this is not the first time I will be not following my time table this happens regularly and I don't have to wake up early because these are summer vacations and college is closed for 10 more days so I can be an owl and bat anything I want .

I think night is my spirit time because everything outside is silent so can your inner voice can make loud noises and after being the most intellectual person for 10 minutes my eyelids started to shut down and my eyeballs starts to roll finally the time to say hi to my dreamy world and finally a good night after waking up the all night.