Self-Destruction

Zeanne looked at me with both hurt and disbelief painted on her face. "Of all the reasons that you've given me to break off our engagement, this is the most ridiculous by far. Do you realize how absurd you sounded? Are you listening to yourself? You remember nothing about us but because of the stupid dream that you had, you wanted to call this off? Seriously? Are you that desperate to get rid of me?"

I knew exactly how ridiculous it sounded. 

But ironically, it's the most honest reason that I could ever give her. 

And lying to her was the last thing that I wanted to do. "I know that I might come to regret this decision someday if ever I get my memories back and remember that I did love you. But that's my burden to bear. I don't want you to wait for me to get my memories back because there's no certainty of that happening. What I'm certain of right now is that I have to put a stop to this. I don't love you, Zeanne."

Tears trickled down and washed the color from her face. She turned pale as she took another step back before fleeing the room and slamming the door behind her.

That's right.

This is my burden to bear.

It always has been.

And it always will be.

Letting her hope for a future with me just so I could experience what it's like to be loved by her would be very unfair.

As tempting as the offer given by Heavens may seem, this is not where I belong. No matter how realistic this all may seem, it's nothing but a dream once I return.

Hurting her now would be a lot better than hurting her later.

And there's someone who's waiting for her and needs her.

She has a life to live and I'm someone who's bound to leave.

I really might regret making this decision someday, but this is the right thing to do.

For her. And for me too.

"Looks like you've really done it."

The familiar deep and charming voice made me turn around in surprise. And there she was, sitting on top of my table with her legs crossed as if she had no care in the world. "Xes!"

"I'm Xescilliz." She let out a sigh and reached out to hold my clenched fist. I didn't realize that I'd been clenching my hand so tightly until then. "And you're unbelievable."

"Huh?" 

"You really did it this time." She tugged at my hand and made me sit on the chair in front of her. Without a question, I followed her lead and looked up at her. 

"What do you mean?"

"Arthur tried calling off this engagement many times before but not once did he tell her that he didn't love her to her face." 

I smiled bitterly. "It's not that he didn't. He probably couldn't."

She smoothed my hand open and delicately traced the nail marks carved on my palm with her finger. 

"I really don't understand the both of you. The two of you are similar in that way. Why do you keep on trying to blow your chance of having a happy ending? Does it come with the name? Is that some kind of a disease? Is there no cure for that?"

I chuckled at her words and surprised myself when I caught her hand and linked mine with hers. 

Clearing my throat, I tried not to think too much about that impulsive gesture before she could read my thoughts.

But it doesn't work that way.

She felt my surprise and heard my thoughts as soon as I had them.

And she smiled. "Missed me?"

Caught off-guard by her question, laughter erupted from my chest. I squeezed her hand and nodded honestly. "Sure did."

"I'm sorry for not answering your calls. I tried to stay away to give you some time to have a taste of what it's like to live a normal life in this world." She kept her eyes on our entwined fingers which made it a little hard for me to focus on her words. "I thought that you would be better off on your own. That way, you might start thinking that living and staying here isn't so bad afterall."

"You should have done that from the very beginning." I let out a sigh. "That way, I would not have known that I'm in a different world and would have lived thinking that my entire life was just a long dream."

She squeezed my hand and took a deep breath. "I'm sorry I can't turn back time. Given the circumstances back then, it was inevitable. But I could still erase your memories for you. If that would make living here more comfortable for you."

I froze at her words and my entire life momentarily flashed in my head. Along with all the good days that I've spent in this world with her. And before I knew it, my head was shaking and I chuckled. 

"No, thanks. I've always preferred fantasy over slice of life. This is a lot more exciting." Is what I said. But I knew that she's perfectly aware of what I felt about what she just offered me.

Erasing my memories would definitely make things easier.

I won't have to keep on thinking of when I could go back home.

I won't have to continue lying to everyone here about having a memory loss.

I won't feel obligated to push Zeanne away.

I won't feel bad for being tempted to steal Craige's chance at happiness.

And I just might gladly accept that 'happy ending' served with a golden platter.

But then... I would no longer be myself.

I felt grateful that I didn't have to say my thoughts out loud and her heavy sigh gave away the fact that she already read my thoughts.

This mind-reading thing could be really convenient sometimes.

"I understand and I'm sorry for even asking." She patted my hand with a nod then ruffled my hair. "Geez. You just chased away your happy ending with so much determination. I'm the crazy one for even thinking that you would accept my offer and voluntarily choose to live a lie."

I grinned at her. "I'm glad you came back. It was so boring without you."

"I know. What's your plan now?" She curiously examined the stethoscope that was lying on my desk. "Want to keep playing doctor?"

"Pfft." I was not able to hold my laughter back because of her choice of words. "Nope. I'm planning to play cupid. And I need your help."

She stared at me for a long time, as if waiting for me to take back my words. And when she saw the determination in my eyes, she sighed and knocked a knuckle on my forehead. "Fine. Let's have it your way. I just hope that this self-destructive tendency that you have is not contagious. It's frightening."