Can't

Once I'm outside, I pull a face at nothing in particular. I'm pretty sure that entire conversation would be called 'awkward' by a bystander, but personally it wasn't too bad, considering my lack of social contact. My phone lets out that annoying siren sound, and I pull it out expecting to see Kara, but it's Ryder who's texting me.

Ryder: We didn't really talk about when I'll be coming over?

You: huh?

Ryder: The art lessons

You: oh. yeah. um, maybe tomorrow?

Ryder: Sure! When?

You: probably three. i'm free whenever

Ryder: Okay, three it is. Thanks!

You: np

I sigh and pocket my phone. If Ryder is trying to get close to me, good luck for him. I'm pretty sure by now I'm gay, and I'm not interested in anyone anyway. But maybe, maybe he'll get my attention away from Kara. That would be extremely helpful.

I sigh and smack myself on the forehead. Ryder probably isn't even trying to be with me. Maybe he genuinely was looking for someone to help him with getting a part-time job. I shake my head. I think about everything way too much.

I feel my mind drifting over to Kara again. Maybe it'll be like what happened in that Roald Dahl book. Where Dahl fell in love with this woman's voice but then when he actually saw her he realized it was just an infatuation. If I see Kara's face, maybe I'll stop liking her like that. But I'm pretty sure there's no way I'll be able to get her to reveal her face for me.

I snap out of my reverie when a car honks loudly. I shake my head to clear it and cross the street quickly to get to the building where I live. I should probably go grocery shopping later. My fridge is practically empty.

Once I'm in my bedroom, I sit back down in my chair to finish editing the video, but I just don't feel like it. My brain tells me to go read some Kara x Me fanfics, and I immediately reject the idea. Maybe someday if I want to torture myself, I will.

I catch myself replaying certain parts of the video to listen to Kara's voice again. My heart does a little leap every time I see her Minecraft character on-screen. I experience a pang of pain when my brain reminds me that I'll never be Kara's girlfriend, let alone even see her once. I would give anything to see her, just once, in real life. But of course, she would never accept. Why would she, anyway, when she doesn't even know my name? I feel so hurt and wounded by literally nothing that I let out a pained moan and flop into my bed, burying my head in my pillow.

I groan to myself. I hate feeling like this, useless and never getting anything done. I have to forget about Kara. I have to. I have to move on.

But I can't.