15. SELF-TORTURE

Happy, happier, happiest. Levels of happiness. But at each level, you still feel joy. Sad, sadder, saddest. Levels of sadness. In each level, you get sadder. Neutral? More neutral? Mixed? What's the name of that feeling? That feeling that doesn't have levels and you're just flat. You're just breathing and existing. What is that feeling? It's not numbness, it's not excitement, it's not even classified as neutral. A feeling that you can't explain, because you happen to just exist.

But something. Something caught his attention. Black smoke, behind Nadia. He flustered.

The smoke would get less and smaller when it meant that death was close, and Nadia's black smoke was quite small compared to that of Eric's. He nearly missed it.

Ashton froze instantly, unable to say a word. But his mind was running, he thought, and he might not have felt what Jayce felt, but he could help her prevent this woman from triggering her. He decided to not talk about the black smoke.

"I'm sorry who?" he asked, confused, "I don't know a Jayce or Amber Brooks here,"

"Really? This is Syville Boarding School, right?" Nadia asked softly, "My daughter told me that they both should be here,"

Ashton raised a brow, confused, "Your daughter-?"

"Mom!" a voice exclaimed from behind Nadia.

Ashton flinched at the voice. Amber.

She bolted from behind and hugged Nadia, "I missed you so much,"

Nadia hugged her daughter back tightly, "I missed you so much," her face was a mix of guilt and worry.

"Amber-" Ashton was staggered. She did it.

Amber gave Ashton a look, then turned into a smile, "Where's Jayce?" she immediately asked.

Ashton glared at her, "I'm sorry, I don't know who that is. And I have class, excuse me," he turned around and used the same janitor stairs to follow Jayce.

"Hold on," Amber broke in, Ashton scowled and sighed in reply. Amber looked back to her mother first, "Mom, go to the canteen first, we have class, I'll bring Jayce when it's over, it won't be long," she smiled sweetly and Nadia left to the canteen.

"Why?" Ashton immediately asked.

"Why what?" Amber asked back.

"You brought your mother here?" he asked, "Even though you knew Jayce had trauma because of her?"

"Get rid of that word 'trauma'. It's just a painful memory," Amber said.

"What?"

"I enjoy seeing Jayce suffer after what happened these few weeks," she said, "I don't care, I miss my mother,"

"I know you do, but you didn't have to bring her here," Ashton said, "Jayce never prevented you from seeing your mother,"

"But she made me live the lie that my mother was Izzie Brooks. She neglected our birth mother,"

"Jayce had a reason, Jayce protected you, Jayce loved you and with that love for you, she did everything for you. The day of the paired-lab worksheet, she could've gotten plus points for her scores that were going low but she chose to give it to you. She knew that if she didn't let your mother abuse her instead of you, you would be traumatized which she didn't want. She knew that she didn't want you to get hurt by anyone's actions and now that she's just trying to do something for herself, she can't do that because of you?" Ashton yelled, "She loves you and you've been ungrateful for that. Jayce loves you so much and you keep acting as if all her mistakes can't be forgiven over a boy you can't have. How selfish are you for that, for goodness sake?" he groaned, picking up the papers that fell.

"IT'S ALWAYS BEEN JAYCE," Amber shrieked, "It's always been her, it's never been me. Mom's favorite child was Jayce, not me. Her years of therapy led to attention for her and not me. It's always been her,"

"Have you looked in the mirror?" Ashton asked, "Have you looked at how attention-thirsty, overconfident, selfish, ungrateful, and- I don't know- a pick-me girl you are?"

"Your point of judgment isn't going to stop me from making Jayce leave this school to a mental ward," she stated, "So please, get out of my freaking way," Amber shoved past Ashton, and went up the janitor stairs, knowing the moves of Ashton meant Jayce was there.

Ashton grabbed Amber again, and pushed her down the step that she fell down and she yelped.

"What the actual heck?" she whined.

Ashton ignored her and went up the janitor stairs quickly and went to search Jayce on the upper levels.

Amber grunted and tried to sit up, and there was a scratch up on her knee.

"That little prick-" she groaned.

~~~

Jayce saw from the corner of her eye, before she arrived at the second floor, that Amber was with their mother, along with Ashton who had put up a scowling face.

She clenched her jaw and continued running.

She hid herself in the closet near the main stairwell, which was full of brooms and other cleaning materials. She took her bottle of tranquilizers from her bag and began gulping down one by one. She was shaking all over her.

Sure, people might think that two weeks is a short period of time. But one's reaction to something is never the same as someone else's reaction.

She shook, and she felt uncomfortable from her head to her toe, and she was sweating, and shivering. She was in a feeling of existing. She was existing, and she wasn't breathing. She wasn't living at that time.

She put her hair in her knees and screamed silently. She was plucking hair out of her head and she was suffocating. She ate up more tranquilizers, and more and more. And she was on the verge of having to die.

The flashbacks, the pain, it was all there. All mixed into one disgusting juice that Jayce was forced to drink. And it was still inside.

Stress, headache, pain. Stress, headache, pain. And the feeling of wanting to die and live in between.

There weren't even tears anymore. Pain was not even going to be defined by tears. It's just a feeling of wanting to just exist and not live.

~~~

Ashton arrived at the second floor and called Jayce's name around, and she didn't reply. She basically didn't want to hear him.

"Jayce!" he called out, "Jayce!"

Jayce ignored the calls, even though she wasn't really sure if it was a hallucination or reality.

Ashton, who was anything but careless in a desperate situation, saw a small shadow from the closet. He pursed his lips and opened the closet.

Jayce, pale and the bottle of meds in her hands, was just frozen. Her face was emotionless and she was barely crying, and she was just there.

"Jayce," Ashton called.

The bottle of meds in her hands fell, and no single pill came out. Ashton picked it up, it was empty.

"You finished it?" he asked.

Jayce didn't reply.

"She's gone now," Ashton said.

"Amber's going to make me meet her no matter what," Jayce said, weakly.

"And I'm not allowing that to happen,"

Jayce sat up, and took a breath, "I'll meet her,"

Ashton raised a brow, "What?"

"I know what her words are going to be, and even if it hurts like hell to meet her, I have to. That's the only thing that will make her leave," Jayce said.

"For once, stop thinking that words will stop everything,"

"They don't, but they'll stop her," she stood up, going out of the closet, and her head was spinning in circles. She tripped over her untied shoelace, and Ashton caught her.

"You are not meeting your mother in this condition," Ashton said.

Jayce let go of Ashton, "I am," she took the empty bottle and started walking when Amber appeared. She flinched.

"Let's meet mom," Amber said, innocently. She noticed the bottle of pills in her hand, meaning Jayce was already gone mad.

Ashton glared at her.

"I'll meet her myself," Jayce said, "Where is she?"

"In the canteen,"

Jayce took the stairs, and Amber gave Ashton a look before following her. He decided to go with them, just a while after they left the second floor.

~~~

In the canteen, Nadia was drinking coffee. She didn't know how to react when she would see Jayce.

"Mom," a voice called.

Nadia looked to the side and saw Amber, with a girl similar to her behind her.

Ashton hid behind one of the walls, as he made sure nothing would go wrong.

"Jayce," Nadia called out.

"If you have something to say," Jayce looked down, "Say it now, except 'sorry' or 'forgive me', I've heard those too many times,"

Amber knitted her brows at her

Nadia looked at her daughter, who looked just like her, "I-" she couldn't form the words, "I just-"

Jayce couldn't stand the stuttering, "I have class," she turned around to leave as Amber widened her eyes as a warning and Nadia immediately spoke.

"How have you been?" Nadia immediately asked, "How has Dave been?"

"Dad's much happier now," Jayce said, "I'll thank you for leaving his life and mine,"

"You have a better mother now," Nadia said

"That's not true," Amber said.

"Are you waiting for me to say 'No, mom, you're the only mother I could have,' ?" Jayce asked.

Nadia clenched her jaw.

"I don't want to see your face ever again," she said, "So leave before I drag you to,"

"The guilt I have is uncountable," Nadia said, "And I'm not hoping for you to forgive me, but I'll let you know that I will never ever forget and stop loving you as my daughters,"

Jayce curled her lip and turned around, arms crossed and not caring anymore. There was a part of her telling her to forgive, but it wasn't easy to forget.

"But mom, I forgive you," Amber said, in a soft voice.

"My wish has been fulfilled," Nadia muttered, "I've met my daughters for one last time, thank you,"

Amber frowned, and gritted her teeth as her sister.

"Amber," Jayce started before she left, "Hug your mother once more before she leaves,"

"She isn't leaving," Amber stated.

"I am," Nadia broke in, "I'm leaving,"

Jayce clenched her jaw and walked away, bumping into Ashton on the way. She stared at him, before she left for class.

"Jayce," Ashton called out, "Say goodbye to your mother,"

"Why should I?" she asked.

"Just please say goodbye, Jayce, I mean it," he stated, pleading.

"We have class," she said, "Talk later,"

"Jay-"

Ashton saw Nadia and Amber giving one last hug, and Amber was furious with how everything went. He decided to let them both, as he knew that she would die soon, and she was sorry, but Jayce wouldn't forgive her that easily.

Nadia walked past Ashton, and her black smoke disappeared bit by bit.

"Ms Brooks," Ashton broke in.

Nadia looked up, "Yes?" she thinly smiled.

"Stay safe,"

Nadia raised a brow that formed into a smile, "Thanks, boy,"

Amber flinched at what Ashton had just said, and Jayce heard from a few meters away. And what the hell did he mean by that?

With that black smoke, Ashton was still thinking about what would happen on his birthday with Eric. He was on the student council trip, and Eric would die that day.

He had thought one thing: Death could be cheated.

~~~

During math class, which Ashton was better than Jayce at, she was staring blankly at the board, and when the teacher asked her a question, she barely could answer.

Jayce and Amber sat at opposite ends of the classroom and Ashton and the two boys sat behind Jayce.

"Jayce Brooks, what is the derivative of this function?" the teacher asked.

Jayce stayed quiet, her eyes staring blankly to the board.

"Jayce?" the teacher called again.

Ashton knitted his brows.

"Jayce," the teacher called once more, louder.

Jayce blinked and shook her head, "What?"

"What is the derivative of this function?" the teacher asked, sighing.

"Uh- derivative, um," she pursed her lips.

"Let me ask you this question then : what is a derivative?" the teacher asked.

Jayce clenched her jaw.

"You don't know?" the teacher asked once more.

Ashton raised his hand to interfere.

"I want Jayce to answer, Mr Walker," the teacher said.

He pursed his lips and lowered his hand.

"I don't know," Jayce said, when something fell on her knee. Blood. From her nose. She flinched.

She lifted her hand to her nose which was bleeding. She didn't know if it was because she took too many pills, or the fact that she was mentally going insane that her head burstead.

"Oh," the teacher said in a shocked way, "Your-"

"May I go to the bathroom?" Jayce asked, holding her nose. Ashton was confused. From a back view, he could only see her touching her nose, and squeezing it.

"Yes, yes, of course, go," the teacher said.

As Jayce stood up, Ashton saw the bloody nose from one glimpse and flinched.

Jayce took a piece of tissue from the tissue box, and went outside.

Going to the bathroom, Jayce cleaned her nose and took some water from the dispenser. Her head felt like breaking apart.

As she was drinking, someone shoved a little container filled with pills in front of her. She narrowed her eyes.

"Drink this," a boy said.

Jayce winced at Ashton standing there, "I'm fine,"

"It's not really fun competing against someone who doesn't even know what a derivative is," he whined like a kid, "You want me to take the first place this year?" he asked, teasing.

"There shall only be one winner," Jayce stated, "I'm fine,"

"I took these pills when my mom yelled at me so much my eardrums burst and my brain churned," he explained, "Take it,"

"I know what the pills are for," Jayce said, "I'm not stupid,"

"Okay, future doctor," Ashton said, "Then you should also know these would benefit you,"

"To what? Find the derivative of the function?" she asked, sarcastically.

"To help you concentrate," he said. He knew there would be shocking news of the mother, but maybe that was what Jayce wanted.

From what he saw from her reactions to his mother's case, she hated her mother more than she loved her, and more than Ashton hated Kimberly.

"Jayce!" someone broke in. Niel.

Ashton curled his lip.

"You good?" Niel asked.

"Yeah," Jayce replied, "You should go back to class,"

"Let's go to the clinic, to make sure you're fine," Niel offered.

"She'll be fine," Ashton stepped in, "She's going to take my meds. Now, I will steal the president first because I have something to tell her of next week's little student council trip," he pushed Jayce forwards, coordinating with his footsteps.

"What the hell are you doing?" Jayce asked.

"I have something to tell you, president," Ashton chewed up his words.

"I don't speak gibberish,"

"I have something to tell you,"

They both arrived behind the lockers.

"About?" Jayce asked.

"Can we take Eric on the trip?" Ashton asked.

"No," Jayce immediately said.

"Please,"

"Why?"

Because he's going to die.

"Just-"

"It's for council members only,"

"Make him a member then,"

"I can't," Jayce said, "If I take him, Amber's going to blow,"

"Why?"

"Common sense. She's probably going to think that I'm stealing Eric from her,"

"But-"

"She has the thoughts of a child, let it be. So, no. End of discussion. Now, I need to go back, and understand what derivatives are before I fail math, thank you." Jayce ended the conversation, taking the bottle of pills from his hand and taking two. He seemed proud.

She scowled in return and walked away, back to class, as Niel started to talk to her to entertain her.

Jayce wasn't open to Niel, she didn't talk about everything. She just thought of him as a friend who accompanied her.

~~~

Nadia took a taxi and went to the police station.

Sanchez greeted her, "Hello, ma'am, who are you? What can we do to help you?"

"I'm Nadia Brooks," she replied with a smile, "I'm looking for Detective Dave Brooks,"

"Oh," Sanchez said, "Da-"

Dave was already standing, staring at Nadia.

"You've grown a mustache," Nadia smiled, tears filling her eyes.

"Nadia," Dave said in a breath, not believing what he was seeing.

She pursed her lips, "It's good to see you,"

Dave stayed silent, having mixed feelings in him.

"Let's talk outside, shall we?" Nadia asked.

Dave nodded, and went with her outside.

~~~

They both went to a cafe. Dave ordered Nadia's favorite coffee, and his. He put them on the table, and they started talking.

"You met the kids?" Dave asked, sipping his coffee.

"Yes," Nadia said.

"How did you know that we were here?" he asked.

"Amber told me," she said, "They both look so beautiful,"

Dave flustered, "Amber and Jayce fight, but yes,"

"How are you?" Nadia asked.

"Fine," Dave said.

Nadia inhaled a breath, "How have you and Izzie been?"

Dave flinched at the question, "We're good, she's in Italy," he said, "How have you been?"

"Good," she replied, "I think I'll move back in to my mom's house,"

Nadia's dad, who died, had left his house for his wife, who he had divorced with when she was 8 years old.

"Oh," Dave said.

It was an awkward situation for both of them.

Nadia turned her head to Dave, they were sitting on one couch with a low table with their coffee cups on it.

"I never regretted loving you," Nadia said, "And I regret for my whole life what I did on those days,"

Dave frowned, then turned towards her as well, "Nadia, I'm not wishing to recall the past any further,"

She thinly smiled. He glared at her face, long enough to make her move closer to his face. He dodged immediately, feeling uncomfortable.

"I have to go to a motel now, I need to go to my mom's tomorrow morning," Nadia immediately said.

"Right," Dave said, "I'll take you,"

"Thanks,"

Them. Dave and Nadia. Perhaps in another life, they would be forever.

~~~

The whole day, Amber ignored Jayce all the way, and Jayce didn't want to start a conversation with her.

Jayce definitely didn't want to argue, but she knew Amber missed their mom. But her plan wasn't a reunion, it was to start an attack on her.

Amber slept early, and Jayce slept at midnight. It wasn't a good sleep, it felt hard to sleep with all the pills she took.

The next morning, she immediately woke up to a phone call from her father. She picked up, head still heavy.

"Yeah, dad?"

"Jayce," Dave said, worried, "It's about your mother,"

"You met her? What about her?" she asked sleepily.

"Your mother, she-" he sounded as if he was having a breakdown.

"She's what?"

"She committed suicide last night,"