Chapter Six
Stacy was still waiting in the lobby for Alex~Andre. She must have dozed off for a bit because it took Alex~Andre a moment and with much effort to wake her.
“Let’s go,” Alex~Andre announced.
“Oh no, I fell asleep while waiting for you,” explained Stacy.
“How was the visit?”
“It went well, I want to return on Saturday and spend some quality time with her.”
"That's a good idea," I know she'll appreciate it.
"Let's head home. It feels like a headache is approaching."
They drove back to Stone Mountain in perfect silence, only the music in the background could be heard. Both friends were lost in their own thoughts and reflection. His favorite song came on the radio. 'Thank You Lord for being there for me' by Fred Hammond was playing on the stereo; this was one of Alex~Andre's favorite songs. He reflected on the many times he was ungrateful and chided himself for the act. He was healthy, he had parents who love him and friends who adore him; a tear fell from his eye and he was glad that it had gotten dark so he wouldn’t have to explain to Stacy what was happening to him at that moment.
Someone in his case could easily forget to be thankful because he was accustomed to a certain lifestyle because of the struggles his parents endured that had brought them all the fame they now enjoyed. He didn’t see himself as being better than anyone but he admitted to himself that he had had an easy life. Mother Hamilton had taught him how to be prideful but not arrogant and to always treat people the way he wanted to be treated. He felt so empty even though “empty” did not even begin to capture the depth of what he was feeling. He had no one who was particularly interested in his well-being separate and apart from his parents, Stacy and Mother Hamilton. There was no significant other, he was all alone and this loneliness was getting to him although he didn’t want to readily admit it. He was not happy, not sad, but empty. The school was his escape because he would immerse himself so deep into his studies and other school-related activities so there was absolutely no time to dwell on his emotions. Coming home has always been hard to deal with. It reminded him too much of what was missing from his life. Somehow Alex-Andre knew that Stacy sensed that he didn’t seem okay but she wasn’t one to pry because he would tell her eventually what the matter was in his own time.
Alex~Andre parked in the driveway and sat in the car longer than he had planned before he entered the house. While in the car he started to reflect on his life; so many questions came to mind: ‘was he really living or just existing?’ ‘Was there someone out there that would want to marry him one day?’ ‘What was he looking for in a significant other?’ ‘Did he have a type?’ He thought the ‘perfect’ woman for him would be someone who was in love with the finer things in life: sunsets, the smiles from children, the small, simple things. It was kind of hard to put it into words but there was something about a female who was respectful, down to earth, not boastful or materialistic, someone who did not pretend to be something she was not just to draw others’ attention. He had seen too many females trying to impress him over the years, and in his opinion, it was mostly because of the family he was born into. All they saw was the prestige and prominence that came with being a Moore. He longed for the day when everyone did not place so much pressure on him to get married. He was still young and was not even sure what career path he would choose; marriage was so long term and that in itself scared him.
He wanted what his parents had but marriages like those seem to be a thing of the past. His parents would be celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary in a few months and that to him was a major accomplishment on their part. His parents were each other’s best friends; they did not have to argue because they each admitted when they were wrong and they did not make a major decision without consulting each other. At times he thought of talking to his parents about the state he was in but he dreaded the lecture he would receive especially from his father. His dad would often relate to him as one of the congregants when all he truly needed was his ‘dad’. Was that too much to ask? The advice he should have gotten from his father, he got from people who only told him what they thought he wanted to hear. His mom was the more understanding of his parents. It was she who would quell the many arguments he and his father would engage in over the years. These arguments were one of the reasons he stayed away from home all these years. Coming home was not his ‘happy place’ anymore.
His reflection took him back to places he had been - places he had no right being because of who he was - he was a Christian and a PK at that! He had been to strip clubs, he had ‘one-night’ stands, he had gotten drunk and acted crazy; he had unprotected sex with strangers; he has even gotten someone pregnant but she lost the baby soon after. He had met Jody at a night club and after several drinks and a number of conversations they ended up sleeping together in his dorm room. They kept in contact but when Jody found out she was pregnant she stopped communicating with him and only informed him of the miscarriage some months after. He had not heard from her ever since. Looking back, he admitted that he had really acted irresponsibly and even though he knew he should ask God to forgive him for being so sinful and foolish, he kept on thinking that he was too far gone to be redeemed. He was afraid to go to God because he had become a habitual sinner – someone who kept on messing up. No wonder he felt so empty ~ he had forsaken God and he knew only Him could fill this void. Many times Alex~Andre felt like praying but he has forgotten how to. He knew what he needed to say but it was so difficult to formulate into words. He was afraid to go to God, if it was at all possible he would hide away but there was no place you could hide from the all-seeing eyes of God. The pressure has been applied to him from an early age; he was expected to live an exemplary life because he was a preacher’s kid. He longed for the day when he could be noticed for who he was not who his parents were. He needed his own identity and this was among the reasons why he had committed such sinful actions: he just was trying to find himself. The line “if you cling to sin till death when you draw your latest breath” from the song “Sin can never enter there” kept on ringing in his thoughts. He knew he had to change but he felt lost and alone and found some solace in sleeping around with different women. He felt some kind of attachment to this lifestyle. He felt that no one in church understood the struggles he was faced with.
Mother Hamilton always encouraged him that when he decides to get married he should seek God’s guidance especially because many sisters in the church, these days (it seems) were mostly attracted to vanity. If and when he decided to get married he wanted his marriage to last. Divorce for him was not an option, he wanted a partner who would be willing to work things out and not leave when things get bad. Alex~Andre called to memory some of the criteria that Mother Hamilton told him to seek after when looking for a life partner. Chief among these were the five things that would not change with time: commitment, friendship, integrity, loyalty, and spirituality. He craved a sense of belonging to something or someone; he wanted stability. He was so glad he didn’t rush into marriage because everyone was doing it. Many are now divorced while others were living with regrets while putting on a show for the public. So many others were being physically and emotionally abused and were suffering in silence because they were ashamed to let people know that their marriages were not doing well. Some also stayed for the children or for the sake of the church; they were of the view that Christians could get through anything with prayer and fasting. He recalled countless stories that Mother Hamilton would have shared with him over the years about how prayer worked, even in marriages seeing that she had a very difficult marriage but she learned how to trust God through it all. Alex~Andre did not doubt that prayer works it was just that he had forgotten how to pray. He knew that prayer was having honest conversations with God but he felt that he was too far gone to be granted forgiveness.
He missed how easy life was when he was a child, he had no responsibilities whatsoever, however, life has taught him over the years to not hold anything or anyone too dear because people change and the only constant in life was change itself. He was used to being alone but he was lonely and it was getting to him. If lonely was a person, Alex~Andre believed that he would be that person. He longed to have someone who would care for him, someone who would sacrifice some of their time and attention for him. He oftentimes wondered why people didn't take the time to work on their relationships. Was it because they had options so no emphasis was placed on making their unions work. Love was so commercialized that he thought many people thought that it was no longer a requirement for relationships. Alex~Andre believed strongly that people these days were breaking up and just throwing their love away. Love didn't take much work again it seems because little or no value was placed on it. It was just so fleeting and unattractive, no wonder so many couples operated like siblings in their relationships. Marriages were accompanied by countless drama, people having regrets. Christians too fell victim to the 'marry for status/only for reproduction' notion. He often wondered if some Christians only marry to not fall victim to fornication so when sex and the glamorous idea of what should take place in the matrimonial bed begin to lose its shine then separation is the best plan of action. This was all too sad and he didn’t want any part of that life.