I'm bessoted with you

I don't say another word about Kaelan during our time in the sitting room that afternoon. Having already completed my last outfit, I work on my dress for my upcoming ball in silence. Hanisa regales the whole room with how romantic and delightful her Lord Paulos is.

"We play quite a lot of cards," she says. "I love how he challenges me during our games. And do you know? He used to smoke a cigar during every game, but I finally admitted how much I detest the smell. He hasn't smoked anything since. He said"—she pauses to lower her voice dramatically—"that when he kisses me the first time, he doesn't want to taste like ash, now knowing how I loathe it. Can you think of anything more romantic?"

"How long do you think it will be before he kisses you?" Risana asks.

"I don't know! I can only guess he must intend to do it soon if he quit those awful things."

Afterward, I return my work in progress up to my rooms and try to decide what to do with myself until dinnertime. Perhaps I should see what the three musketeers are up to. It has been a while since I've spent time with them. I haven't even seen Tristan since I got him out of his marriage with Melita.

I close the door to my rooms without properly looking down the hallway first. That must be why Kastien is so easily able to surprise me.

I place a hand over my heart. "Don't scare me like that."

"Sorry! I thought you saw me."

I wave away his apology as I deposit the key to my room into a pocket of my dress. "I was actually going in search of you and your friends. Thought I'd see what the lot of you were up to this afternoon. My schedule is quite free."

"I'm glad to hear it. I was hoping to speak with you." He points his face toward the ground, as though suddenly shy. It's a rather odd look for Kastien , who is usually so full of himself, I fear his large head might explode. I duck down to find his eyes and bring his head back up.

"Concerning?"

"Could we perhaps talk in your rooms?" I don't know why, but I have the distinct feeling I should not invite him into my rooms. It's not that I fear being alone with him or fear him in any way, but I think this might be a better conversation to have out in the open.

"We're alone here," I say lamely. "Go on."

If he's put out by my indirect refusal, he doesn't show it. "I received your invitation to your ball. I'm quite eager to attend. I thought to ask what you're wearing, so we might match."

"We can't match," I say, allowing my voice to raise in volume playfully. "However would that look?"

"Like I'm besotted with you," he says, his voice a tad too serious for comfort.

"No, it would look as though I'm a woman whose attention strays far too easily."

"It isn't straying, if you agreed to be mine."

"Kastien—"

"No, let me finish, Loralie. I know I joke quite a bit, but let me assure you I'm very serious right now. I am besotted with you. And I don't want to be an afterthought. I don't want to be who you turn to when Kassian casts you aside.

I want to be your first choice. And maybe I've never made it clear that I am a choice for you. I like you, and if you let me, I know I could love you. My title might not be as fancy as Kassian's, nor my pocketbook quite as deep, nor my estate quite so large.

But my heart is bigger, Alessandra. And I would love you completely, wholly, as a woman ought to be loved. I won't hide behind shadows. I won't love you from afar. I won't only take parts of you. I want all of you. Mind, body, soul. I want to be with you. Always.

I tend to hide myself behind humor, but not this time. Not with you. I am interested. You are the only woman at court who interests me, and I would make you mine if you also wanted me." He takes a breath. "I don't expect you to answer now. I've had weeks to think this all through. And you haven't had even a minute, but I do hope you will think on it."

His body turns as if to leave, but, realizing he's not quite done yet, he reaches for my fingers. He keeps his eyes on mine as he slides off my glove, slowly releasing each finger before tugging the whole thing off. The kiss he gives the back of my hand is not soft, not gentle. But purposeful, lingering, full of the passion he feels.

It's a reminder that he can touch me. He will touch me if I choose him, and Kassian won't.

I cannot lie, the contact is delicious, but that is all it is. Skin touching skin. My feelings for Kassian don't traverse so deep.

"You've always been a good friend to me," I say when at last he drops my hand. "I have treasured our time together. And I know that if I were to choose you, I would be…" Not quite happy. Content, perhaps. For a time. "It would be a smart match. I know you would be kind and fun always. And I'm more than tempted because of all the things you can offer me that he can't."

His face falls. "But."

Oh, but this hurts. What am I doing? It's not in me to be kind. Especially not to men. But it's so unfair to him to treat him this way. To give him hope.

"But," I intone, "I've already promised myself in courtship to him. It's not fair to you to pretend that my intentions might be changed." There's no need to clarify who him is, and it seems wrong to say another man's name aloud when Kastien is professing his love.

"He will never love you," Kastien says. His tone isn't unkind, only explanatory. "He will never marry you or touch you or be with you in all the ways you deserve. What do you plan? To forever live a half-life with him?"

I am shocked by the sudden realization that I would rather have this life. This life of Kassian's trust and friendship, of helping him to rule a kingdom without having any real power, just a king's ear—I would rather have all of that than another fling with a man who will just give me jewels because he likes the things I do to him in bed.

Of course, it wouldn't be like that with Kastien. He would care for me more than that, but I can't do that to him. Not when he has always been so kind to me.

"It is my life to do with what I will," I say. "And I've told you my decision."

Kastien nods to himself. "Do you love him?"

Of course not, I think. I do not do such childish things as fall in love. Love made me into a murderess. It broke me for a time. I had to build myself back up. But there is certainly something brewing between the king and me.

"I don't know," I whisper.

And either that is answer enough, or Kastien sees the truth of it on his own, because he bows low, gentlemanly.

"Excuse me," he says.

And he's gone.

I wrap my arms around myself, saddened by the exchange. But as I turn back toward my room, thinking to lie down for a bit in misery, I see the barest wisp of a shadow disappearing through the wall housing Kassian's rooms. It's so slight, I think perhaps I might have imagined it.

But if not, I can't decide if it's a good or bad thing for Kassian to have heard all of that.