Apologies

"I'm sorry! I will try to do better..." said Shayne to his parents and his teachers as they stood there expecting more of an explanation rather than an apology...

Shayne is a brilliant student or rather was a brilliant student till 8th standard. Suddenly the world came to a standstill in 2019 as he was preparing for his finals. In Science, arts, and extracurricular activities there was not a single thing he didn't ace in. There was not a single subject that had he ever got under 90. He stood first in both sections of his class while getting promoted to the 9th standard. The finals for promotion to class 10 weren't held as of the sudden lockdown and pandemic. They were promoted based on their class assessments and performances. And as usual, Shayne stood first.

But, 2021...

Oh, what a cursed year it was for Shayne.

He couldn't catch up with the subjects, the theorems, the formulas and the equations. Everything seemed so unknown and unseen. "Why is lightly mentioned in the chapter for sound Sound?" asked Shayne to himself "What are IUPAC and nomenclature and how do I draw these IUPAC diagrams?" but there was no one to re-explain him. Google and YouTube couldn't help him much. Tutors were too busy to explain to him separately after the class and he was too reserved a boy to speak up.

Everything slowly started to fall apart after the first term examinations.

The first terminal approached the doorstep. Shane did everything he could to study and get through with the theorems. He gave the exams one by one for 2 whole weeks.

Shayne knew the exams didn't go too well. He wasn't confident too scared to tell anyone. His parents had a lot of expectations of him to hear the "can not" word from their son's mouth. They work hard to earn and pay for his tuition fees, to provide him with everything he needs. Recently they bought him a tablet for his classes and a better view of his class notes. It was a costly one. Shayne was scared to bring their expectations and hard work to the floor. Nothing terrified him more than his parents with a disappointed face in front of his teachers. The last thing he wanted was to become a disappointment. He decided to give his all for the finals. And class 10 finals will decide his future. He aspired to become a psychiatrist and help the people out there who have none to tell what goes on inside their minds, but for that aspiration to come to reality he has to get Science as his major stream.

After a week the first terminal results came out.

Shayne was devastated...

The results he got...

All the years of ranking first and getting 99% of average...

All seemed to go down the drain.

"Was it all worth it?" asked Shayne to himself as he stared at the mark sheet handed over to him by his teacher.

The teacher asked Shayne to see her in the staff room.

None of his friends believed his results and believed there was some favour marking behind the results...

But was it?

"Sorry, ma'am" was all he could say after getting below pass marks in most subjects to his class teacher...

"I want an explanation for this Shayne," said Shayne's class teacher in the dullest and most disappointed voice.

"I am sorry ma'am, I'll try my best to make up for it..." was all Shayne could say.

"I want to meet your parents," said, at last, the class teacher. The only thing Shayne dreaded happened.

Shayne saw the thin glass of his dreams shatter. He wanted to get into the science stream but now there was no way he could. He scored the worst in science and selection for the streams was based on the marks for the first terminal. There was just one way for him and that was to score the best in the school council board examinations and transfer schools.

Shayne returned home with his mark sheet. His parents weren't back home yet then. They were gonna return at night. Shayne crumbled away as time passed. He felt his stomach churn. He couldn't eat anything and was starving. He had a nauseating feeling grow up his throat and threw up. The darkness grew inside as well as outside of the silent house as the lonely boy sat in the dark with no one to vent to nothing to cling onto.

He drowned in the darkness as time passed and fell asleep. A bell rang. It was already 4 hours since he fell asleep. His parents had returned at last.

He felt the marble floor pulling him down as he walked to the door to open it.

His parents already got a call from his class teacher that he understood from their expressions as they walked in. The silence grew deeper.

How Shayne wished he could just vanish. It was just a thin paper of a mark sheet that holds the least importance in his life.

He expected his parents to scold him. He waited for them to start...but they didn't.

His father sighed, " we will talk about this later" was all Shayne's father said. His mom was silent. For the rest of the night, none of them hardly broke a word or rather none attempted to...

Shayne sat wide awake in his room on his desk till late at night trying to memorize the trigonometry proof theorems and the formulas...but hardly could he put his attention into his book. He felt his eyes wet. The day was much overwhelming for him. He went back to bed and cried himself to sleep.

The next morning his parents had to go meet the principal and his class teacher at the school office.

Shayne was nervous enough as it was the first time for his case.

He was talking with his one and only friend Sera in the class before the break. She couldn't understand why the teachers were making such a great deal for some mere examination like this. After all, never once did Shayne ever fall behind in his class. Shayne had no word. All he waited for and dreaded was the time when his parents meet the teachers and he is brought to face them. After the break, he was summoned. He ran down the staircase. He wasn't prepared but he just wanted to end this as fast as he could cause he promised himself to improve all the marks he lost in the first terminal further in the council finals. He was determined...but still what he had brought upon him was to be faced and there was no way to slip past it.

He went past the long passages as if they never end.

At last, he stood in front of the principal's office...

He could see his parents inside there. He knocked on the door and entered. An overwhelming silence welcomed him. His gut-churning feeling came back and he felt nauseous.

The room was silent for a few seconds or maybe minutes but it felt like an hour to Shayne.

Shayne could only regret everything.

"I'm sorry I will try to do better..." said Shayne and dared to break the suffocating silence.

At last, his mother spoke...

"What made you stop all your studies and end up this pathetic?"

Shayne stood there. Silent. He felt everything tear apart in front of him. Everything crashed down was how he felt.

He stood there silent.

"I am sorry" was all he could say. What else would've he said to them? He had no explanation.

"Okay, we will see it in the first semester, for the council examinations we expect you to do your best as you are one of the brightest students in our school we wanted to give you science but you may get a second chance," said the principal in a cold still voice.

Shayne went back to his class after that.

His days went by locked up in his room studying" and hearing his parents criticise him for everything he did.

A few days ago he bought a packet of chips and his father said about how they struggled hard enough to feed him and to provide him with that one pack of chips and he was ungrateful enough to score that bad in his exams.

He heard his parents assuming him busy with games and other stuff and that's why he scored this bad. They enrolled him on an academy. He spent almost half the day there studying all the subjects and would return home late at night.

When he got off his desk to get some air his mother would bring about how bad he scored and how he never worked hard enough even tho his parents did feed dress and keep him.

His parent's continuous harsh words burdened him down on top of it all he still wasn't clear about the topics of his subjects.

Slowly the day for the first semester arrived. Shayne stayed up late and studied hard enough even though his parents would deny it. It was visible how pale he became as he studied compromising his meals and sleeping. Sera was surprised enough as to what has turned out for her brilliant big brain friend. She was worried.

They had their first examination. English language, is easy enough. Shayne rest assured that he could at least do better in English in the semester than in his class terminals.

Meanwhile, after Sera got out of the hall she approached Shayne and expressed her worries about his weariness...She told him that if he needs help in his subjects he can always approach her...

Shayne thanked Sera and left. He just wanted to focus only on his studies and nothing else. Sera felt his behaviour absurd but understood where he was coming from in his situation at present she didn't attempt to disturb him.

After a month...

The first semester came to an end.

Shayne gave his best. He knew he tried his best and was confident about his efforts. There was no lie in his efforts and hard work, the rest depended on the lack he had in his theories. He didn't rest assured. He knew he would still have a lot to cover up but it wasn't possible...

But Shayne was tired. Mentally and physically. He tried to take a good sleep the next two days. He couldn't. His parents still didn't stop pestering him to push through more. He could feel the heavy load on his chest get heavier.

After the whole day of working and staying out of the house after returning all his parents ask is how much he progressed in his studies and how much he covered for the second semester and not once how his health is. Their 24 hours of conversations were limited to the number of exercises Shayne solved and how much more is left for him to complete the syllabus. And of course how he disappointed them.

Shayne started feeling sick. Every time something choked him in his predicament. Every time he went out for tuition classes he didn't feel like returning home. The room that once was his comfort zone doing all sorts of fun stuff creating and reading became a suffocating prison for him. The rooms became like hallways leading to various cages of torture. He felt exhausted but couldn't sleep for some unknown reason, some unknown thought always lingering at the back of his mind. Overthinking, anxiety, hyperventilation and panic attacks and dizziness, things that never bothered him started appearing. He started avoiding any situation of coming face to face with the people he knew and had good relations with. He would get seizures in the middle of the night, he tried explaining those to his parents but couldn't. He would see scenarios that terrified him while sleeping that would wake him up to the darkness of the room at 2 am. He slowly developed self-hate and regretted his existence slowly losing his appetite and every time he ate something a sting of throwing up encroached his throat. He curtailed his diet. His parents defied everything he was going through except his advancements in preparations for the second-semester council examinations.

Shayne's mental and physical stability deteriorated. He started staggering with the syllabus and slowed down his pace and again started falling back. And this time his parent's words stung him more than before. It got worse. He tried to push through forcefully trying to pull it all together.

Shayne felt more lost and started developing insecurities.

Sera couldn't get hold of Shayne's sudden fallback and be worried. Sera noticed that Shayne used to pick his skin leaving bloody patches and biting nails and that Shayne deliberately isolated himself.

He couldn't concentrate anymore.

Days went by as Shayne tried recollecting his life and failed.

And the day for Semester 1 results reached.

They were supposed to receive the result datasheets from a particular site provided by the council. Shayne was attending a class when the results came out. His parents were still out for their work. He checked the results after leaving the class. He had improved...but was that enough to please his parents and the teachers to allow him for science? As thought it to himself he saw the numbers he got for physics.

He barely passed by one mark.

He messed up...

Thousands of thoughts crossed his mind in a minute.

He failed.

He failed to get science.

He has disgracefully failed his teachers and soiled his parent's expectations and his dreams.

The feelings from the terminal exam result day returned. A sick feeling and dizziness, but this time it was different. He felt severe pain in his chest and was unable to breathe. Gasping for air he tried to call his mother. He was failing to keep his consciousness. It was a panic attack! He knew that...the pain increased spreading across his back and neck and rising through the spine to his head. He fell off the chair hitting his elbow. The call didn't go through...no his mother declined it. His vision got blurred and darkened. He gave up and passed out on the floor wheezing for breath...