No I Can't

"Li... Lina?" I rub my eyes and sit up. I woke up with a slight headache and for some reason I felt so awful.

"Lina?" I hear Simon shouting my name. I get off the bed and make my way downstairs

"Oh thank god, I thought you left" He says relieved as he sees me

"No Simon that's your job" I say bluntly

"Is this how it's going to be between us?"

"You made it this way Simon, You lied to me. You said that you were torn, from where I am standing seems that you have already made your mind up"

He sighs before walking closer to me. He's wearing boxer shorts, his chest bare, his face soft. "Come here" he says standing by the counter. I stand my ground not moving "Li come here!" he shouts. I slowly move towards him he cups my chin and kisses me lightly wrapping his arms around me and snuggling his face in my hair.

"Please, enough fighting. I don't want you to be mad anymore. I need you right now" I look into his cold blue eyes. I tip toe and kiss him hard. I love him so much and I'm so scared to lose him. His hand grab the back of my neck pushing my mouth deeper into his, he devoured me. It felt as if it was the last time I'm kissing him. His hand slowly moved to my thighs, squeezing hard, it hurt but it turned me on even more.

He picks me up and slams me onto the counter, my arms snake around his neck while our mouth fought for dominance. He slowly starts trailing kisses from my neck to my chest. In one swift move he grabs onto my silk PJ top and pulls it apart hard causing all the buttons to pop out falling onto the floor. My eyes grew wider as he went on to roll his tongue around my nipples. The feeling of my warm lips around my nipples was euphoric.

"Ugh Simon" I start pushing my panties down frantically, I was desperate to have him. Since we have been so distant with each other lately, it made me crave him so much more. I know he craved me too by the way he desperately pulled at his shorts while devouring my mouth again. His mouth travels back to my neck before he pulls me to the very edge of the counter and thrusts into me. I moan at the feeling of him inside me.

He starts moving, his hand around my neck squeezing gently. "Yes baby girl" he moans I bring his face to mine, while he is thrusting hard and fast. I stare into his eyes "I'll love you forever Simon" I say softly. A slight frown appeared on his face before he grabbed my waist and started thrusting harder, his feral side was out. I come around him and he does too

"Fuck" he pants.

After our morning sex we went to bed and just laid there with my head in his chest listening to his heart beat.

"Where did you go last night?" I ask softly

"There's a bar not far from here, I had a few drinks. Just need to clear my head. I'm sorry for worrying you" he kisses my hair. My fingers was tracing his scars.

"When do you leave?" I ask

"In two weeks" he strokes my hair gently

"Can we forget about this just for today please? I want to spend today with you and forget about all of it"

"Yes" I reply. I didn't want to lose Simon, I couldn't. He didn't know but he had broken my heart already. I know there's a chance he would be back but there was also a chance he wouldn't and I would go the rest of my life in regret wishing I had stopped him. Wondering what would've happened if he stayed with me, what our lives would be like? would we have had children? married? I shook the idea out of my head. Forget about it, just for today.

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Early afternoon we get out of bed start getting dressed. Eva planned a BBQ today with us all. As much as I was devastated I promised I would go. I need to put my brave face on and pretend as if nothing is wrong. I get dressed wearing an olive green silk dress with black sandals.

"You look beautiful" Simon says leaning against the door. I smile at him softly

"You okay?"

"Y-yeah I'm fine" my voice small. I wasn't okay and I wanted to cry my heart out.

We make our way to his mom's house, the whole drive there the atmosphere was silent. I didn't know how to go on and be normal after the bomb he dropped and I guess at the same time he probably doesn't know how to approach it all. As we are about to drive up to Eva's house Simon stops and turns to me. His face soft

"Can you do me a favour? Don't tell anyone, not even Charlotte" he breathes out "I haven't told them yet so" I press my lips together and stare into his eyes.

"Yeah sure"

"Hello, hello" Michael says hugging me, then shakes Simon's hand

"Eva kids are here" he Shouts towards the kitchen. Eva and Charlotte were chatting away while Christian was at the counter eating as always. Straight away Charlotte shoots me a weird look, somehow she always knew when something was wrong. Even when I pretend I'm all okay. I hug her then Eva.

"How are you?" she says all excited, I look at simon

"I'm okay and you?"

"Good good, I'm great darling. Beautiful day don't you think" her smile growing bigger. I turn to Charlotte who also had a large smile. Why is everyone looking at me and smiling? Did I miss something?

Eva was acting very weird, She kept rubbing my cheeks, hugging me and stroking my hair. She went out of the room a few times with Simon, whispering in the hallway. Seriously did I miss something? Everyone just seems overly happy.

"We're ready" Eva sings to Simon

"Babe?" he looks at me with his hand held out. I frown everyone is looking at me and Simon. I take his hand "What's going on?" he leads me to the garden. My eyes growing wider as I see rose petal leading to a spot in their garden surrounded by beautiful red roses. I look behind me and Charlotte is grinning like never before. Oh shit! oh shit! My palms start to sweat. Is he? is this? a proposal?

We walk out to the spot, there were so many roses around us, we stood in the middle. I turn my attention to the man who emerged from behind the bushes with a violin. what the?oh my? No no. This is all wrong. How could he do that to me? He is leaving

I watched as Simon bends down on one knee and pulls out a dark blue box from his pocket. He opens it gently. In the middle laid a beautiful ring, a large oval diamond in the center and two smaller ones on each sides with gold band.

"Simon what?"

"Lina. Before I met you I never believed in love at first sight. It always sounded cringey and unreal. But I became a believer the first time I saw you coming out of the pool I knew I wanted you to be mine. I needed you to be mine. Everyday from then on I made it my mission to get to know you and you showed me that you are kind, generous, funny and the most beautiful girl on this planet. That week in France was confirmation for me that I wanted you to one day become my wife. I want to spend the rest of my life with you. I didn't know I could ever love someone the way I love you. You came to my life at the right time, my heart belongs to you and only beats for you. Baby will you marry me?"

I look up behind him to see his mom smiling, the joy on all their faces. I look at him with tears streaming down my face.

"No.... I can't" He frowns, his beautiful smile fading away. It hurt my heart.

"What? No?" His face harsh, he gets up.

"Simon I don't want to be engaged knowing there's a chance I'd never be your wife" His eyes wide, I watch as his Adams apple go up and down. His eyes full of sadness.

"I love you more than anything, I wanted to be your wife and have your children. For me too it was love at few sight, you showed me what its like to truly be loved and love someone unconditionally but I can't.... I can't even be with you anymore. You are leaving, you're leaving me behind" his face turned white. I could see the heartbreak on his face. I know what I just said probably has broken his heart but I couldn't say yes. I can't be with him anymore not after this. How could he, knowing he may never come back and that I would go the rest of my life wondering what if.

I catch a glimpse of his parents and Charlotte their faces in shock. Charlotte's face looks pale

"What is she talking about?" Eva says, her voice broken

Simon turns to face his family, while I stood there tears streaming down my face.

"I'm sorry" I say before running past everyone. I hear Charlotte shouting my name in the background but I couldn't stop I just wanted to leave, leave it all behind.

I get in my car and drive off with tears in my eyes. I can't believe he proposed right before a suicide mission. I drove to the lake, it was my favourite place to go to get away from it all. It was the place I found myself every time I missed my mom or was sad.

In the corner of my eye I can see someone approaching it's Charlotte.

"What you doing here?" I voice was croaky from all the crying

"Checking on you? I knew you'd come here" she sits next to me

"He told you?"

"Yep" she sighs "My mom is devastated" I couldn't help but burst into tears. I could hear her muffled sobs too. she too was hurting that Simon chose to leave.

She wraps her arms around me and we both sobs quietly. Even though we didn't say it we knew what it meant.

"Babe?....as much as you don't want to right now you need to speak to Simon. You know he loves you. He- erm. He told us that he was planning to propose to you way before he found out about the mission. I know you're probably thinking he proposed because he is leaving but he's not"

"I can't face him. I have tried to keep my shit together and pretend I am okay with it but I am not. I get to be heartbroken for the rest of my life. I don't think I could ever love anyone the way I love Simon. I didn't even know you could love someone this hard and this fast. If I stay with him losing him is going to kill me " I sob