The Search For My Fantasies

My name is "Lyle" and I am currently 23 years old. Just a typical American office worker you can find anywhere. My life did not have any special moments or bad ones. It was basically not worth paying attention to. If I had to say I did not like nor hate my life. My parents are always nagging me to do something great with my life. They wanted to help me find a suitable woman and start a family just like them. I have younger brother and an elder sister. My brother is currently figuring out his career. My elder sister got married a few years ago and now it's my turn. Honestly I don't want to get married. I just want to spend my life doing things I like and I don't want to bear the responsibility of maintaining a family. It's not that I don't want a family or a special someone to love but it's just that I am not cut out to be a family person. If I do ever get married as I am now, then my whole family is definitely going to cry and it won't be tears of joy. The type of person I am, I myself know. I have insufficient common sense, crappy knowledge of the world around me, un-athletic, lazy, tends to avoid people, likes to be alone, likes to only read about supernatural fantasy novels just like now in my small rented apartment room.

I am reading a novel about a person who died and was reincarnated into a fantasy world with cheat type powers. The story goes on how he with great effort saved the suffering people with his past life knowledge and new found powers, made a harem and eventually defeats the evil God who was making the world suffer. How I wish I was him. There are days when I am crossing the road when going to work that I think about the famous truck of reincarnation in novels which kills me and sends my soul to a parallel world with cheat type powers just like the novel I read. I threw the book away and rested on the bed thinking. Even though I wish to get reincarnated I actually don't want to. There are many reasons for this. First although I am not afraid to die, I don't like to feel pain. I am actually interested in life after death but suffering unbearable pain is not on my list and if I had to die I wish I could die painlessly. What kind of a reincarnated protagonist is afraid to get hurt. Secondly if I die what about my family, I can't bear to imagine their faces at that time. Third even if I reincarnate, I am not the type that puts much effort into anything I do. Even if I do something I would eventually get bored of it. A similar thing happened before. I wanted to make an PC game from scratch. I already planned the gameplay and it's plot in my mind. So I started learning programing and due to the effort I put in at first, I was actually not quite bad. But not even mid way had I reached while studying, I just gave up when I faced some obstacles.

Today was a no work day and I had not taken a step outside my room, not even to eat something as I think that I can survive without food for one day. I only go out if it is to work or to meet my family or if it is unavoidable like to eat when feeling starved. Reading about the impossible was the one thing I never gave up on. But I cannot make a living out of that. From childhood I wanted to become the impossible. I had never told anyone except the rare few people who I knew would not laugh at me if they heard this. I did not want to become a superhero, I wanted to become free from everything and I believed that only absolute power can really do that. When I think about subjects like magic I feel incredible. I was so entrapped by the supernatural that sometimes when I was alone I would try to meditate and try to attain mana, ki or enlightenment but to no avail as after I close my eyes I don't know what else to do. "Clear my mind!?" was what most of the instructions online said. But what does that even mean. I tried not to think about anything and I did. Guess what? There was nothing there was no ki, mana or enlightenment, absolutely NOTHING. I also tried to practice telekinesis by making an object fall into my hands by concentrating on it but the only thing I caught was a headache. Thinking about it doesn't help so I closed my eyes and fell asleep. My uneventful life went on and I was only able to dream about my desires.