May-20

Daybook: 20 May

My daily sadness is growing as a result of the heat waves. Though there are a lot of solutions being suggested, when I close my eyes all I see is a chess board with a queen and all the pieces lying around.

I can still vividly recall my first day at the regimental training school. I put a lot of effort into releasing this terrible fantasy of mine. The instruction was brutal. In the guise of defence and response creation, they used to beat me. Have I ever voiced a complaint? Maybe not, since I was really into this until they ordered me to kill my own dog on my first sniper mission. My voice was screaming inaudibly, and only one person could clearly hear it. It's heartbreaking. The person was my person—my very own. As beautifully as he possessed me, I possessed him. It was something more than love.Although we were unaware of one other's needs, we were aware of the importance of little things. He got me a chess board that day. It was the person across the board, not the cheese board, who made it easier for me to move on. "Chess, I'm amazed at how well it portrays you and me. You see, even though I have the same number of pieces as you have, I will never win this game because, in my eyes, the king rules the board, while in your eyes, the queen is the only piece worth killing the king." I recall how sincerely he stated that. When we were together, we had roughly the same amount of scars and wounds, but we were more concerned about preventing each other from suffering.I am certain that he felt my intense love for him, and I thought he did the same magnificently.

We parted away in the autumn, and although I wanted to confess, we confessed with our expressions rather than our words somewhere in that tea shop when we were holding hands in the corner without even noticing it.

My face looked horrible for a female after going through horrific combat zone operations. The most anticipated job of senior chairman of the "Zinth," where I had been employed as a trainee, was awarded to me. But I wasn't joyful because my bloodied hands had just shattered a lot of pleasant universes. I am no better than a criminal because I understood that what I was doing was illegal.

Christmas was when I saw him again. He was inches taller than me. I chuckled and he smiled. "Ma'am, are you not bored right here? Would you like to be abducted by me? With an unidentified smile, he grasped my waist as he said this. There were so many faces all around me, but all I could see was him. Since my heart began to beat along with his, I can honestly say that I felt no shame. He led me to our former location on the training camp terrace, where the chess board was still lying in its most deteriorated state. "Want to complete the game today?" Since we weren't entirely sure how to play the game after that day, it was only halfway finished when we moved on to finish it. He stopped me just as I was about to win by covering the chess board with his arms. "Are you scared to lose?" I made fun of it.

"I'm not Miss Sniper, and if I were, I wouldn't have given you this gift. I won't have any incentive to see you again if I end our game now. Until you offer one to me. Although I would like to tell you what you want to hear, I am unable to do so until I make my rights known."

"But what's yours?" I'm not sure why I asked such a heartless question, but I do know how warm his kiss felt on my lips. We were both quite aware that it was love. And now, we sealed our lips with vows, accepting our unsaid confession. Only the king and queen remained on the board after the pieces slid off.

We began to see each other more frequently. I never once asked myself why he called me ma'am instead of my name or why he had so few scars compared to me.I brought him up to my family. He was less his own and more theirs. We were so engrossed in our love for one another that we failed to see that love is nothing more than a collection of need, passion, and unfulfilled expectations.

A fortnight passed before I received an order to massacre an orphanage. Although it wasn't new, I began to have uneasy thoughts about them, wondering how an institution could raise children who could cause problems for the country in the future. I looked a little farther since I was curious about the chairman and discovered some startling information. My group fulfilled every request from political parties. They slaughtered innocent people—no, they forced me to kill innocent people, just like my dog. I was always just a pawn in their hands, never the queen. Knowing this, I knew more innocent people would perish. My only remaining task was to become the chairman's successor, and he was the chairman.

I invited him over to complete the game. It's said that the person you love shines, but I think they seem even more divine. His dark eyes gleamed slightly when light reflected on them, and his hair flowed in time with his gait. When he was seated in front of me, I could see my face in his eyes. That day, he got me flowers. I detest the fragrance of roses, and I had no idea he had purchased me some. How those terrible roses smelt so lovely that day escapes me.

"You just have to make a move and kill me.. why ask me on boards for that unless you want to say something -"

"You're doing this, but why? Why do you act like puppets depicting them? Are you aware that they kill innocent people in order to set them up? Why? I know my words must have gotten muddled up because I was crying so much at the moment.

"You see, my dear, humans are strange creatures on this vast planet; we make little worlds for ourselves. All you have to do is follow instructions. Do you not do that too? Why don't you care if a stranger from outside your world gets harmed or loves someone?

"Because if I care about everyone then when will I live freely and happily?"

"You got your answer."

"You can't justify it by stating this... it's pathetic."

He leaned close to my ear and dabbed at my tears.

"Remember, even if you find me pathetic, that if the king dies, the game ends, the queen ends, and the chess world ends.Tomorrow, I will confess to you. Why include our line of work in our love? You ought to take a rest as it's becoming late. He gave me a big embrace, kissed my cheeks, and left me in my room to loosen up.

The following day, I was on the terrace with a hard heart and the rifle he had given me when I got to my position. He was waiting with balloons and flowers. Never before has he looked so good. He was on the ground, me on the roof. I retreated till I encountered the table that the board rested upon. My body shook, and so did my eyes. That day, it may have felt colder than January. I muttered as I moved my queen.

"checkmate" . I felt as though everything vanished. I was no longer experiencing heartache. I approached the fence and lifted my hands to aim for his head. Using another hand, I managed my tremble. He turned to face me, meeting my eyes directly. A scene from a motion picture. He dropped on his knees. I raised my rifle towards him, and he saw. The ring came out of his pocket. I shot him straight after he hardly said anything and he had that ominous giggle on his face. I witnessed the love you move from his lips. With a smile on his face and no tears in his eyes, he passed away as though his life's purpose had been fulfilled.

As a dead person is incapable of crying. Their only knowledge is how to survive devoid of any indication that they are there.

I'm writing on the board table with my eyes rocking and a heavy ringed finger. He intentionally died at my hands, I realised, even though it's late. The chess match is now over. Just the queen, with no purpose in life, and no king. Why I simply cannot die is still a mystery to me. Perhaps I don't want to end up like the antagonist in my own tale. What should I do then, though?

It's May 20th and I ran out of pages in my diary and a diary like this is hard to purchase....