Chapter 72: Bimil (Secrets)

As the days went by I had tried to keep my composure around Seon-Ho with all of my might. I had regained my memories that very night after reconnecting with my brother from a distance and I had been conflicted with so many emotions; anger, sadness, remorse, guilt ever since...but I didn't blame Seon-Ho. I couldn't. From the minute I woke up here it was pretty clear who was puppeteering his son as if he was good for nothing else. And I couldn't help but notice a broken look in Seon-Ho that I had never seen before I lost my memories. No wonder he kept his distance from me, I must have reminded him of my brother so much that he must have been unable to bare it. But just as I had started to remember everything slowly, there was now something...else festering between us, something very deep and intense and I couldn't find my way out of it no matter how much I tried...but a part of me didn't want to try at all. I had indeed been miserable ever since I regained my memories and as filial as I had always had been to my brother, he wasn't here to keep me sane and vice versa. And for the first time since I had contracted my epilepsy, it was gone now, I was free to do as I pleased, explore options I had never had before, and live my life to the fullest. And if there were any consequences to be had then I would be ready for it...and as for my brother, well I had long figured out what the hell Nam-Jeon was putting him through. But thankfully, myself and my brother were both well educated in how to deal with situations like this due to the nature of my father's work. Even though he didn't like to talk about his work to us, but it was hard not to hear about it from neighbours, friends, random people on the street and so on. I trusted that Hwi already had a plan to save us all from Nam-Jeon, but it wasn't going to be easy to keep him away from us after that. The only option we had was to not only get him arrested, but he had to be tried become the Emperor himself.

So at first I started drugging the guards and sneaking out to explore the village I had grew up in all over again. And I had managed to make a few associates on the way. And once I had manage to accomplished that I started to scour the town for some specific jobs I could work part time at least. The Nam's worked in the palace almost every single day and I had stashed away enough of their gold to buy what I needed for my plan to work. And I worked low paying jobs that I knew my brother would kill me for if he knew, but I had to worry about that later for now. Especially my washing job here I washed clothes alongside maids of some of the most distinguished households in the city, which was a particularly useful job indeed. I was able to hear news from Nam Jeon's privy council work directly from their maids themselves and then I was able to leave notes for my brother. It still was't safe for me to contact him directly so I hoped that he would take the hint since I was sure that I could help with men instead of abandoning one of them. I got so caught up in work, gathering information about Nam-Jeon and getting tired everyday from working at about 3 places at the same time that I forgot to keep checking on Seon-Ho. But he was the one who kept distancing himself from me deliberately again when I needed him the most so why was he upset with me now? I knew it was his father who controlled his every action with threats but what was I supposed to do then? How could I please both men?

So when Seon-Ho broke down I couldn't blame him...but as for the way he acted, well...I refused to believe in his sincerity this time. I had also found out long ago about his crush on the woman we had met whilst flying kites who was apparently in love with my brother. She was in fact the first person I had turned to when I had tried to regain my memories...well the things I had been up to recently I knew my brother would not be happy at all so I needed somebody to turn to that I could trust to mediate between him and myself, and even Seon-Ho. She knew all of us so she was the perfect fit, despite her own dangerous games that she was playing. I had also grown close to her friend Hwa-Wol as well who's lover was one of my brother's new friends from the Liadong war so I confided in them with my plans, which was a big step for me as I had never had somebody of my own to confide into. So I didn't expect Seon-Ho to notice my absence at all, in fact I thought that he would be relieved almost that I wasn't bothering him anymore...but what came over him today? Why was he so upset with me? And why...why did his room smell so strongly like my perfume?

....I kept shaking my head, trying to deny what I had just seen. But I looked down onto my arms and I was indeed carrying the medical box that he had dropped into my arms. I was already beyond mentally exhausted and conflicted with the multiple acts I had to keep up and now...no...this couldn't be happening right now...maybe he was just taking out his yearning for Hui-Jee onto me since I was the only woman in his home...yes that had to be it. I was everything that made up an undesirable woman according to Confucius law; I was an orphan, a lowborn and I was disabled with my epilepsy so there was no way any sane man would look at me the way he looked at her...

And that was when I felt my heart being torn apart, just like it did when I first regained my memories, and I heard about his crush from Dal of all people. I didn't know why I couldn't move on from him...and the fact that I had decided to stay by his side wasn't helping the situation at all. But he was just as much as a victim as we were, and why should I abandon him like everybody else did when he was clearly drown in his own guilt and wrestling with the one parent figure he had when myself and my brother were orphans. I couldn't even begin to imagine how he must be feeling when our parents loved us dearly. I had all of these thoughts running trough my mind when all of a sudden I heard heavy footsteps following me from behind. Amongst my time outside the Nam yangban, I had also picked up a few more skills that I was not willing to mention just yet, so I acted as normal as I could...until I reached my quarters and I quickly blocked the door behind me. I had idea why I was so...scared all of a sudden. I felt the deep intense aching in the pit of my stomach again just like I did when I saw him come back home both physically and mentally exhausted everyday from the palace, from weaponry training and from drinking with the broken look in his eyes that he was carried with him since the day I woke up to him next to me from my last epileptic fit. But I didn't know what to expect from Seon-Ho, how to act around him or what to do now that he had started knocking on my door. I had no idea why I had locked the door when he told me that he would be coming by to my room, but something had definitely changed in him today, I could see it in his eyes when he kept on holding me as tightly as he did. He looked angry, frustrated, broken...and it looked like he was waiting for me to do or say something specific.

I was so lost in my thoughts again that I didn't even realise that he kept knocking on my door for god only knows how long before it stopped. I couldn't relax though, and I made my way to the door to try and take a peek to see where he was. But before I could, my soul almost left my body as I saw my paper windows being torn apart before my very eyes and before I knew it he had crawled into my room foot first. After everything this man was putting me through, I still ran to him and tried to help him in case this fool hurt himself. I had no idea what was going on but I just decided to play along as usual until I could figure out what he wanted from me now. But somehow I knew deep down that we were way past secret smiles and glances. There was something behind his cold demeanour that kept pulling me towards him no matter what he said, because his eyes would always tell me something different. There were indeed times where he would suddenly reprimand me out of the blue over actions that other people around me had committed like the servants who always got their chores wrong like Chun-Ae used to and he would start punishing me by either making me tidy up his bedroom in front of him or I would have no choice but to kneel right in front of his desk where we were mere inches apart. I really dreaded when this would happen because I really could not control my facial reactions every single time I would sense him just...watching me up close. He wouldn't even try to hide how his eyes would just wander everywhere around me and sometimes he would get me to do small things around his study and when my back was turned I could alway sense him get so close to me that I could feel his nose in my hair or on my neck momentarily.

It was a complete shock to my system that often left me speechless but I could not for the life of me reject him either. I had always witnessed since out childhood how everyone had treated him and I knew that part of the reason why he had suddenly taken up a temporary interest in myself was because I just could not and would not treat him like everyone else did. He knew of my crush on him whilst we grew up alongside each other and he never really said anything to me about it...but why did it now feel that he was using my crush on him against me? For what? What exactly did he want from me? His father barely let him interact with me and to be honest he had been quite rude to me in the past, so just what the hell did he want now? Why was he now going out of his way to torture me like this like his father tortured him? Was this really all he knew? When I had to kneel in front of him, he did not even open his mouth and I understood that it was fear in case any of his father's servants reported anything strange to him but that didn't stop him from repeatedly trying to cross the line with me...and I was falling for it. I knew he was probably just confused or something, at least I hoped, but he also knew that his father would never allow us to become closer than what we were now so was he still trying? He had been doing this for about 2 years now after my first year in the Nam yangban and it was getting to me quite a lot. I had long lost hope of ever getting a good night's sleep ever again since I remembered my brother, but now Seon-Ho kept creeping up in my mind and even my dreams. Too many times had I woken up in fright of seeing him hover over my bed in my dreams and....doing things that married couples did. I had even grown paranoid enough to constantly think that I kept seeing him and his shadow in my own quarters. He was just everywhere that I went and he started sending me gifts to my room for no apparent reason at all. He was giving me attention that I was definitely not used to and of course it just caused more problems for me with the servants, but I really couldn't deny how...special he was starting to make me feel for the very first time in my life. And before I knew it, I was looking at Nam Seon-Ho, the so-called monster of our village in an entirely knew light.