Chapter 66: Bogoissda (Watching)

Why did everyone around me constantly misunderstand my relationship with Yeon? Why did everyone relate everything we have done, as it was for each other? I mean yes, I sometimes acted like a brand new person around her that even I could not recognise; selfish, arrogant and entitled, but even I didn't know why I was mean to her at times. Maybe...maybe it was from being silenced, neglected and abused all of the time that I discovered a new side to me that I had never witnessed before. And maybe she was the only one who could understand that, why else did she never fight me back or tell me off.

So I started watching her every chance I got. At first I remember that I convinced myself that it was because it was my duty to look out for her as her brother wasn't here to do it. But as time went by and I was continuously torn into different directions both in my professional and personal life she became a constant light in my dark and gloomy life. And nobody couldn't say that I hadn't tried with all of my might to push her away, I was even be mean to her a few times so she would get the hint but she was just so...resilient and still so happy go lucky despite everything she was going through that I just gave up. I made my way to her quarters as soon as I came home everyday to observe her, where she was either engrossed in a book as there was no other woman in our village who loved to read as much as her, or she was embroidering something that I couldn't identify without coming in closer to her. But as the years passed by her warm personality was not enough anymore. Things got complicated between Hwi, my father, the Lady Min and myself I suddenly after accidentally talking about my work to her in passing and she completely took me by surprise once again by not only comprehending my work, but actually coming up with intelligent solutions, I found myself wanting more from Yeon...to compensate for the neglect and mistreatment that I had endured my entire life.

I felt so selfish but the more I watched her I couldn't hep but notice how different I felt. I couldn't really describe it but as I had everyone try to tear me down every single day since my father snatched me from my mother Yeon's glowing presence alone made me feel like I was a man for the first time in my life. Despite her bold new changes she was still physically a frail woman in need of protection,...my protection. Originally I had felt bad about isolating her alongside me but recently I had come to appreciate it. In a slightly twisted way; I was the only person she could turn to, to rely on and to talk to. At first I had nobody for years in this place I had to call my home and now I had someone all to myself. She made me smile a lot more than I was used to in my lifetime, she made me laugh as her curiosity about everything grew, she made me feel intelligent as she had endless questions about everything and anything, especially in my world. But honestly, it was her constant trust in me and the fact that I couldn't help but notice that I saw myself in her eyes every time that she smiled that really got to me. I had already long forgotten about Hui-Jee at this point, but when I came home to the only person who genuinely cared for me and wanted to be around me I couldn't help but feel something bloom and rise up to my throat that always instantly curved my mouth into an assured smile that I could also indeed be loved and cared for just like everybody else instead of being torn down due to facts of my life that were out of my control. Legitimate or illegitimate; no child asked to born so why was was illegitimate ones like me were despised just forcing into existence?

And of course as I felt myself grow more into a man...then I did have to admit that on some level...Seo Yeon was most certainly not a little girl anymore. In fact, she was anything but. Whenever she had her days out I would look through her room as much as possible, and I could not deny the girls's growing sophistication or her matured intelligence. She gave herself homework from the books that she had read and she did it rather meticulously for a woman who had never been to school before. Her opinions and ideologies were completely different from those of my father and it actually gave me joy to not only read these essays, but to finally have someone around me that seemed to mostly agree with my opinions. I had actually began to use her ideologies in the palace to make my decisions and I had to admit that I was getting surprising results, in how to deal with both nobility and lowborn alike. And she had made a collection of rather impressive embroideries that could have actually have sold well in the market. She was a well rounded woman and I dare say that any man would be lucky to have her...

And it looked like I wasn't the only one who knew it; it wasn't often that my father brought back guests to our home but rather take them to the gibang where Hui-Jee used to humiliate me more than my father did recently. But as Hwi began getting results from his missions a lot quicker and smoother than my father realised he could, he seemed hell bent on adding to my misery by treating my colleagues to a meal. But strangely enough, all I could think about was keeping the men away from Yeon. I had no idea why that was such a strong concern for me and I tried to convince myself that it was out of brotherly concern...and because there were a few times that she had gotten men's attention in the market where she went once a month and she was completely oblivious to it all. And it had been really bothering me lately, that the once clumsy girl had completely changed to the point where any man who liked her...could take her away from me despite the fact that I was not allowed to be anywhere near myself at all. No matter how she came to loose her memories or how she ended up in my home, she was my only person even if she had no memories of me. She grew up next to me for nearly 2 decades and I did my bit to protect her every single day, even with those damned fits of hers that wrecked her life.

My father did what he usually did to lord himself all over my team and completely embarrassed me as usual, but I was just now starting to tune him out and focus on something else other than the sound of his voice. My father didn't just have me to focus on tonight for once so I at least had the freedom to just focus on Yeon's quarters and hope that I could at least catch a glimpse of her and feel peace wash over me like it did every single time I laid eyes on her. But what I did not expect was one of my colleagues to use the excuse of going to the bathroom to 'explore' our home to probably come up with all of these stories about my family to increase my humiliation. But that asshole totally crossed the line when I caught him lingering outside of Yeon's quarters and trying to take a peek at the only thing I had in this miserable place that gave me oxygen to breathe.

As soon as my father's attention was elsewhere, I got the hell out of there and I got to her quarters before she could even come out. "Did you loose your way?" "Why? What are you hiding here? You know you've been spacing out a lot in the office, so I'm curious as to know what has you holding back on your duties." "What on earth are you talking about?" "You know what I am talking about." "I really don't."

"Young Master? What are you- hello? Who is this?" I tried to block their paths but it was too late, and the look on his face when he saw Yeon was making me hold onto my dagger tip to the point where my fingers were bleeding but I didn't care. I just wanted his lecherous eyes off of her once and for all, and with the mood that I was in tonight, I was on the verge of doing something that I couldn't take back. So I turned my attention onto her for once and I tried to savour this distraction for once. "Cousin, go back inside your room." I had never really called her that before and it felt weird saying it, but now that I had at least a moment to myself for the first time, I could not entirely blame this man for his reaction no matter how much I despised it. She looked...different, so much so that I could barely remember what she looked like for the past 18 years. She looked...pure and flawless...like the woman she was always supposed to be. I even took her by the hand and I walked her inside, which was completely unlike me, and god help me but I could not help myself but to lean in and take a whiff of her hair. This single act alone transported me somewhere mentally that I had never been before, but in that moment I found myself desperate for any excuse to hold onto her like never before, not even with that other woman that I was beginning to forget slowly.

"Wait! Hello? Hey!" "Young Master?" "Just ignore him Yeonnie..." She actually held onto me for a while out of nowhere, but I couldn't fight her back anymore. This was my first time being held by anyone other than my mother, and even though I had been conformed to Confucius rules where the two sexes had to stay as far apart from each other as possible, even if you were courting someone or you were married and I had always implemented these rules with Yeon who I know has been in love with me with such a long time. But the new her was so...rebellious of these rules that I had never seen anything like it. And I was so fascinated with the new version of her that I was beginning to loose my mind and internally I was sinking somewhere really dark...and she was the only person who could pull me out of it. I was beginning to be more sure of it when she was the only one who welcomed me home and made sure that I had everything that I need before I could even open my mouth. And I really did not want anybody else laying their eyes on this one thing I had to myself and that I wanted to keep it that way. If only Hui-Jee treated me like Yeon did...

And from then on when I saw haw far my father was wiling to go to humiliate me and use me instead of trying to at least set me on the right path for myself. I was going to end this farce of his that put my only loved ones at risk...and sooner rather than later, I had to reunite the siblings. Even if it cost me their love or bore their anger down on me...I just knew that they would come back to me eventually. Yeon was different though; for all the peace her presence gave me, she had better not think of straying too far away from me. And it was purely for her own safety.