Chapter 132: Internal Conflict (Naejeog Galdeung)

"Seo Yeon does indeed posses an abnormally high intellect for her sex that most males when finding a partner does not look upon with favour. And as you can see My Lord, she has an unusual habit of scarring herself" when she showed me the scars and bruises on Yeon's arms from god knows where I couldn't help but break the small lass that I had in my hands in anger, but of course; no one in this huge hall noticed or even cared apart from Yeon who was still trying to avoid eye-contact with me. "A nobleman such as yourself needs a well-connected men wife who will bring you honour and many children to carry on your last name…" "I think I'd die of boredom if I had a wife like that, and that would cause me to stray from the sacredness of marriage. And how do you know that I'm not the one who wants to carry on her bloodline." The room went deadly silent after that as I finally got Yeon's full attention who looked like she was holding back angry tears. "Don't be ridiculous; you are an important person in the palace who needs a noble wife to carry on your family line." "My family line ends at myself who is still illegitimate, in case you have forgotten." "It is your choice to find anyone you like, but it would be extremely foolish of you to choose someone of a poorer background with many flaws that would only bring you shame!" "Like what exactly? Epilepsy? It's still manageable! Your poverty? I could solve that problem in an instant! Respect? You could have that by marrying me so what exactly is the problem! Why are you avoiding me when I can bring the world to your feet" "Do not make me say it out loud! Do you really think that I know you so little that I cannot expect to think that you just want revenge against me?!" "So what if I do? You are mine to do as I please anyways and I will not return home empty-handed!" "I am not a tool of possession! And until you can prove what happened was real I refuse to believe otherwise! Now return home, I do not have the time to spare to indulge you in your little games, most especially when you have a concubine at home waiting for you!"

We were nose to nose at that moment and both fired up and not ready to back off at all. She was crying at this point and it was making me angry, so much so that I forgot all social etiquette, Confucius laws, and our reputations in that moment as I grabbed her face in my hands and I dragged her over to the table where they had set up the tea ceremony for practice, the same on that Hui-Jee painfully rejected me in. I threw her onto the ground before I initiated the ceremony in fort of every single person who were all gasping and whispering at the scene they were witnessing right now since it was mainly women that initiated these kind of situations. Yeon looked torn between horror, shock…and a yearning for me that I could tell she still had for me. I placed the drink in her hand but she angrily tossed it away.

All I could see was red when I released how stubborn she was going to be and I poured out a last drink and I very forcefully poured it down her throat. From the minute my tea touched her lips she didn't dare to fight me back and she drank it willing and still in shock. And I had to get the hell out of there before I did something that I couldn't take back at all, so I kissed her in front of everyone before I flipped over the very large table that separated myself from the women in anger. I stormed out of the establishment but not before threatening to get the place shut down if anyone spoke word of what I just did and made my way to the nearest gibang to make her jealous. But when I returned a few hours later, she had already packed her things and had ran away. I was still heated by our first argument and I left it alone, thinking that she would return to me…but she still hadn't and I could no longer wait. I was starting to get impatient on so many different levels and I wasn't having it anymore.

There was no woman in this nation who would dare to go head to head with a man and argue with them as she just did to me and it just drew me to her even more. I had never seen that side to her and I was dying to see what else she was capable of. Everything about her was new, alluring and refreshing as she possessed the rebellion spirit that I was caring to possess for myself under my father's rule. Her beauty was another matter entirely but it was something that was driving me to posses her in ways that I have never even thought I would for anyone. No matter how angry I was at her, she stirred up desire in myself on so many levels that brought new life into me. I had been brought up to become cold and calculating in everything that I did but now I wanted to become reckless just to win her over. I thought I had to have a perfect partner just like every man to gain respect but Yeon made things easier, exciting and fortunate at the same time. She could achieve all of her goals without being so serious all the time and I loved it, in fact she knew how to get her share of fun as well and I couldn't be more pulled into anything in my entire life. So when I heard that her brother actually caught her working in her old rags again right under my nose and that she had moved onto a different unknown location, I hadn't been the same since. I drank, I worked thanks to my new promotion that Yeon of all people helped me achieve, I got high on opium and I tired not to think about her…the girl who welcomed me home with a big smile on her face like she hadn't been waiting for hours. The girl with a subtle perfume scent that I could never get out of my head since she wore it every single day, the girl who didn't need any servants attend to her as she could cook and clean on her own. Despite her memory loss that I inadvertently caused, she still loved to read no matter what. Who else was I going to explain her book passages to? Who else smiled at me, waited for me, asked me if I had eaten or even if I needed anything at all? And I…i couldn't help myself. I tried to remind myself all the time that she was my only friend's baby sister who he loved most in this world, she was the little sick girl who grew up by my side. But I couldn't help but notice how…grown up she really was behind the rags she had no choice but to wear for a decade, how small and delicate she was and how…how god-damned beautiful she was. It wasn't fair! Before her memory loss she practically idolised me, when she was here she was always waiting for me and now…she was gone. I knew that she was probably hiding from her brother and myself because of the things that she hid from us but I also couldn't believe that she didn't even wait around to see my real reaction, was she that afraid of me? I thought that she relied on me to protect her, so how could she disappear like that without a singe word? My life continued like this; denying that I felt anything for the woman I was forced to kept hostage util I found my temper reaching dangerous new levels that I thought I had used on my father. Well, it turns out that I was wrong. I was angry at Yeon, no, more than that. I was completely furious with everything she had hidden from me, everything she had been through alone and god knows what the hell else was she hiding from me? What if that was why she left me? Because there was more to her story? What if she had gotten ill? Or maybe she was for a long time and she didn't want to worry?

No, I couldn't carry on living like this with so much worry. And maybe…maybe if I saw her again I cold put my…emotions to rest. I didn't know how much longer I could live my life in denial…maybe my feelings were exaggerated when I had no choice but to house her. That's right…that what it was…I only couldn't stop thinking about her because I was her guardian for so long…there was no other reason…her beauty, delicacy and maturity that she had hidden from me had no effect on me at all…I had my own revenge on her to act on still…

I was sent on a mission to help out with some flooding issues and I couldn't be more grateful at the distraction and I couldn't be more pissed that I had to be sober for a while. I took Sung-Rok with me since I felt bad about not being able to focus on work more and after everything we had been through together I at leats aimed to get him whatever position I could get him in the palace so he would have stable work coming in. We supervised provisions, set up tents for villagers who had lost their homes, and handled the materials that we needed to help stop the flooding.

I had set up a separate tent in the far end of the forest where a whole team from the palace had been sent to the village to help out with this predicament. Mostly because I already knew my job duties inside and out, secondly because I was still somewhat high and I probably could be for days so I wasn't the most sociable person to be around and thirdly I just wanted to been my own. Due to my special relationship with the King I had enemies and I had people that would flatter me just like they did to my father and I had others who were trying to convince me to carry on in his footsteps but I quickly put a stop to that myself. I felt dangerous, dark and heavy; apart from getting my job done I had to put an end to my father's spies and men that wanted me to carry on his corrupt legacy. And so help me god if anyone stood in my way then I was no longer responsible for my actions.

We had barely been here a week and we were going to be here for another month or two at least and already I was starting to have nightmares of a different kind. I had no idea if it was my new environment or my not-so-sober state of mind as I kept sneaking off to the nearest village for drinks when I could get it. But no matter how high or drunk I was, she was now occupying my dreams, leaving me with noting but guilt as each dream reminded me of every single time that I had to ignore her, push her away or even plainly avoid her. And now looking back at all of it I finally woke up in shock and covered in sweat; I should have paid more attention to her emotions and expressions. The entirety of her stay in may father's mansion she didn't bother me as much as I thought she did, but she did start waiting for me a lot more around the time that she says she regained her memories…she must have been waiting for me for a reason…she must have been waiting for me to give her answers…she must have been desperate for my help…and I was too busy being my father's puppet and chasing a woman who would never love me while I ignored the only person who cared about me genuinely in that hellhole…she could have run away to her brother anytime but she chose to stay for me…and I treated her like shit. I really did in the beginning, and even when I got close to her, all I ever did was to think about myself and my own pain. I never even thought to ask her about what she was going through…because I knew that I was the source of her pain.