Chapter 106: Heundeullineun (Waverings)

I wasn't blind to his emotional reaction...I was just still hurting myself. Everything about him cut too deeply into me...I know his father threatened him about me, I wasn't stupid...but it still hurt me a lot when I saw the lengths he went through to keep the distance between us before he started acting all weird and touchy around me. And I had noticed the blood that dripped from fresh cuts in his hands that did not exist when I woke up to him rifling though my writings. But now I had my brother to pacify in his absence. "Oraboni..." "Yeonna" he cut me off midway which was not like him at all "Do you think...that Seon-Ho has completely changed around you? Since you lost your memories?"

I tried my hardest to avoid his gaze since I couldn't stop blushing when he said this. "Really? How so?" I tried to bury myself in my work to avoid his gaze. "He...treats you like a woman now..." "Well obviously...he's not going to treat me like a man will he?" I scoffed whilst secretly praying that he would drop the subject, whilst another part of me wanted confirmation for his behaviour from the one person who knew him the best. "You've probably seen a lot of women throw themselves at him when you went out all the time?" "Huh? What on earth are you talking about? Women treated him the same as his father did, no one approached him ever." I had to really restrain myself from bursting into tears right there and then in front of him. "What about Hui-Jee? She's at least nice to him right?" "Where the hell are all these questions coming from? She's the only one of us that hasn't forgiven him. And even when I was dealing with his father for you she hated him, but neither of them will tell me about it. But this isn't about them, this is about you?" "What do you mean?" "So your just not going to admit that he sees you differently and acts...well I don't know, but I've never seen him like this before" "if he feels differently about me then there is nothing stopping him from telling me, but he hadn't said a word different to me at all." I was lying and I had no idea why...no, I refused to believe his feelings had changed for me despite everything that had happened between us...I wasn't a typical woman who could be looked at in that way. Seon-Ho was just...confused back then and he experimented with the old person who would let him anywhere near him...I had only myself to blame for these conflicting overwhelming thoughts that had me in tears every night.

"Ok, since you're telling me that nothing had changed between, you two, then I'm sure that you wouldn't mind me introducing you to someone right? I've actually had a lot of people who are interested in you since your day in the court palace." "Absolutely not." I replied without hesitation. "Why not?" "How many times are we going to go over this? I'm the exact opposite of the ideal women in our society! Who's wants to marry an orphan? A lowborn epileptic unless they want to marry me as a concubine. And you know how father felt about that, and as an actual woman myself I couldn't agree more." "Why are you so stuck in the past? Why can't you see how much you've changed?" "I have changed...from the outside. But inside I still carry that disease in my blood, so who's to say I won't have a fit while I serve in bed? Or give my children the same fate? Absolutely not!" I was sick and tired of repeating the reasons for why I was such an unfit woman that I just ran past him and I took up an old childish habit as I climbed up the nearest tree whilst my brother ran our to find me. I hadn't done this since I was 5 years old so I'm sure it wld be the last thing that he would remember I could do.

"So that's why you won't let anyone come near you? Not even me? Because you're stuck in the past and wasting everyone's time?" I screamed so loudly I nearly fell all the way down. "What are you, a dammed ghost? Why are you everywhere I go? Were you here the whole time?" "I finished my reports early so I came back to see you...r brother." "Go find him then, and knock some sense into him while you're at it. He's trying to set me up..." "It's his duty to set you up, it just depends on the right person." Seon-Ho replied in a tone that I couldn't decipher no matter how hard I tried. "Are you a monkey or something? Get down from there" "And why should I listen to you?" I chided and I stuck my tongue at him, temporarily forgetting my age as I swung my gels childishly from the tree. "Because you're going to hurt yourself that's why." "So what if I do? Are you going to carry me around the village on your back?" "Just who do you think I am?" He snorted in laughter. "Your ruining my fun, go away...and get those cuts on your hand sorted out." I mumbled that last part but I could tell that he still heard me as there was an awkward silence between us now. "Ok, I'll get the kisengs to tend to me." He chided but it worked right away. "Wait! I'll do it!" "Oh really? And who am I to you that you would take care of me like this?" "My karma from my last life most likely." I grumbled again as I pulled him into my room so I can tend to him...with the doors wide open.

"What are you going to wear on your date?" "Why do you care? Actually...do you think I can borrow an outfit of yours? Crossdressers usually scare men away right?" "So...you really don't want to do this. Not even for your brother's sake?" "I will have to eventually, but it's just too soon right now. I want time with my brother until he's sent away again." "And then?" "And then after some time I'll have to marry since I was eligible as soon as I turned 16. I love my brother but I can't be a burden on him forever...or maybe I'll find a way to live independently, like my father planned." "Would he have let you?" "With my I.Q. rate? Why do you think my brother isn't strict with me at all? It was because my father never used to be. I do not even think he would have forced me to marry at all unless I asked him to." "He sounds like an amazing parent..." "He was the best."