Part Four: Jess. Remorse

The apartment feels empty without you, my hands feel empty as I hold on to your jacket. Lament is what pulls me down that I can't look at you. I can't cry now and I can't cry to bring you back, these walls don't look the same as they do when you're here.

Before I left the hospital to pick up your guitar I spoke with your parents and explained everything. They took it as if you wanted my forgiveness, but I've known you for too long to already know that you were begging ever since you did it. But I have already forgiven you so long ago, now I just don't know if I'll be able to face you in the end. At that time I was just confused.

I grab your guitar, looking at all the stickers we gathered on our road trips and the new strings I bought you for Christmas. The songs that you played and I sang remained. I only know how to play some songs but you'll make one up in a minute. Putting it away in its case I noticed that you stitched your name with mines and underneath a heart on the strap. Only you will do things like this.

As I got on my motorcycle, I think of your first time riding with me. You held onto me tight, thinking that I'll go too fast for you. Pulling tight on my jacket, making sure to pull me back so I know that you're scared.

…

I arrive at the hospital in the parking lot, the cold cuts of the autumn breeze cuts across my cheeks. I'm almost to the front door when the front desk operator walks up and says.

"Sorry visiting hours are over."

"I'm sorry but the person I'm meeting is my significant other," I responded.

"Oh … well a woman saying that she's his family member," she says worriedly.

"No, she isn't, she's someone he used to see," I said.

She nods her head and leads me to the hospital. I try to muster up my guts to walk into the room. I don't know what she could do to drive me away. But as we got to the front of the desk on the third floor she asked another nurse to escort me.

As we walked up the nurse knocks on the door and we hear footsteps and the door opens. She looks up, towards me and slams the door shut. I tried to force it open but the nurse held me back. I do as she says, I don't want more trouble.

"I'm very sorry but we would like to confirm if you are his spouse," she asked.

"Sure."

She goes to a room and within a few minutes, she walks out and nods at me.

"Sorry for what's going on right now, but we contacted security after looking at her background. And you guys aren't married but living together right?" she says.

"Right," I grip on tighter to the guitar strap as I wait. They pulled her out but for some reason, she looked back at me with disgust. She's planning on something.

I walk in, sat in the chair next to you with the guitar in my arms, and sang out your poem while the strings ring:

A wish

Is a foolish man's action

To standby

Is only how they wait

But I mustn't go that way

For I'm chasing you

The seas carry our fate

But I'll fish you out

For I'm afraid

Of others holding you

I'll be sure to stand beside you

As humanity writes it's paradox for us

Though I don't believe in god

I want to bless this moment