521. Chapter 521

“You know, my first relationship, the girl was really funny.”

Kara glances sidelong at her girlfriend’s sister and tries not to roll her eyes.

She reminds herself that she’s kinder than that.

That Maggie isn’t the person she’s angry at.

That person, solidly, is herself.

But she does take another sip of burning ale and she does heave a hefty sigh.

“I’m not in the mood for a rousing ‘And now I have your sister so see romance wins out in the end’ story right now, Maggie.”

“Oh, I know you’re not, Kara. That’s why I’m not trying to tell you one.”

Kara sighs again, blinks again, drinks again. Maggie continues her story.

“She was funny, and everyone was charmed by her. Hell, so was I. She was the first girl I met in college – away from my family, my hometown – that was gay. That I could possibly date. That made me feel a like I could be myself. Without…”

She chooses her words carefully, because Kara’s right – she is telling this story for a reason. Just not the reason Kara thinks.

“Without having to restrain myself, hold myself back,” she decides, and sure enough, Kara goes still.

She hasn’t had to worry about breaking his nose – or worse – when they kissed. She didn’t have to teach him the language she grew up speaking, the culture she grew up with. He knew them, in his bones, like she did.

In his bones that she couldn’t accidentally break.

Maggie pauses as Kara’s eyes flood before pressing on gently.

“I don’t honestly know if I loved her or if I loced just being able to honor a part of myself that had always been… different. Whatever it was, though, I sure felt like I loved her. Like I had to, because I couldn’t possibly be with anyone else, I figured. So it made it harder to detect when she controlled me. When she humiliated me in front of our classmates, my roommate. When she never seemed to believe in me except in the moments it suited her. When she broke up with me and then begged for me back; when I left her and then broke because she promised to be better.”

Maggie gestures for a shot – no, for two – and they sit in silence until Darla brings them.

She downs both of them, one right after the other.

“You know what I wish someone told me when she ultimately transferred to another college?”

Kara turned to look at her through glassy eyes and slightly trembling lips.

“I wish someone had told me it wasn’t my fault. That being gaslighted and manipulated is abusive. That it’s okay if you didn’t leave right away: that it’s not your fault. That it’s okay if you’re crushed when it’s over, even after you realize how damaging it was. It’s okay if it feels like everything’s hopeless. Like you’re worthless.”

Kara stares for a long moment – several long moments – and finally, Kara speaks.

“Why is it okay to feel all those terrible things?”

“Because it isn’t your fault. Because you’re not at all worthless. And because you don’t have to feel those things alone. I promise.”

When Alex lets herself into Kara’s apartment late that night, if she’s surprised by the sight of Maggie holding her little sister, tenderly burritoed in a blanket, on the couch, she doesn’t show it.

She just smiles gratefully, lovingly. She just slips off her boots quietly and pads over to the couch, scooping up her sister and the blanket in one big, gentle heave.

“Alex? Are you carrying me or is the rum making me float for real?” Kara asks groggily, untangling her hands from the blanket and wrapping them around her sister’s steady shoulders.

“Shhh, sis, I’ve got you. Don’t wake up all the way, just sleep. I got you.”

Kara accepts Alex’s whisper with a soft sigh and a sleepy smile, burying her head into Alex’s shoulder.

“Maggie took good care of me,” she murmurs as Alex carries her to her bed.

“Kara?” Maggie croaks from the couch, as if on cue, sleep heavy in her voice.

“Shhh, babe, it’s me. I’ve got Kara. I’m just putting her to bed.”

“Maggie, it was like floating here!” Kara babbles as she curls into her pillow.

Alex hears Maggje trying to stand up, and she chides her softly as she finishes tucking Kara in.

“No, shhh, babe, you stay there. You’re next.”

Maggie’s sleepy giggle accompanies the sound of her letting herself plop back down on the couch.

“Mmm, I get to float in your arms too, Danvers?” she asks, and Alex smiles as she crosses back over to the couch, bending to lift Maggie easily into her arms.

“Always, babe. And thank you for taking care of her. I love you so much,” she whispers just as Kara calls out sleepily for both of them.

“We’re coming, Kara,” Alex whisper-shouts.

“Ugh, not on my couch, please,” Kara murmurs, and Maggie giggles sleepily into Alex’s shoulder.

“Not that way, Little Danvers, where’s your mind at?”

“Lena,” Kara whispers dreamily, and Alex nearly trips.

“You owe me that flash grenade, Danvers,” Maggie grins with sleepy victory as Alex lays her down on the bed and crawls over her to be between her sister and her girlfriend.

Both of them latch onto her body automatically, and even though she prays Maggie is too sleepy to remember about the flash grenade in the morning, Alex has never gotten a more peaceful rest.