Chapter 198: What I am

Late Evening - Late Fall : The Golden Lotus, Northern Market District (Valtivar)

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Silence filled the room the instant I finished talking. -Did I say something wrong?-

Seeing Amara and Yolanda's pale faces, I started to second guess whether it was really a good idea to tell them about what I really was. -As long as they keep it a secret though, it should be fine, right?-

But as if to destroy my newly built false comfort, Amara slowly turned and looked up at me. "D..did you s..say Ancient.. F-F-Fenrir?" It was the first time I had ever heard her stutter and, needless to say, it didn't ease my worries at all.

"Y..yeah? Is there something wrong with that?"

She just sat there frozen for another moment before looking toward the ceiling like she was trying to reason with herself. "Well... T..that would indeed e..explain a lot..."

Thinking it was a sign that she knew something about them, after taking a second to think of what to ask, I decided to probe a bit. "Do you know much about the Ancient Fenrir?"

But her reaction was a tad different than I expected. "Obviously!" She looked at me like I was stupid.

I jolted back a bit from surprise. -What's with that reaction...- "How much do you-"

"A LOT! Everyone in this entire country knows about them! I think I've even talked to you about th- WAIT WHAT?!"

I had to move back a bit further as she stuck her head out toward me with a look of disbelief.

"Y-y-you don't know about them?!" A mix of anger and confusion clouded her face. "You mean to t-tell me you don't know what you are?" She honestly looked a bit lightheaded.

There was another short moment of silence while I desperately tried to think of what to say. "Y..you remember when you asked me why I came to Siratha?"

A confused look came to her face immediately.

"Well, I actually came here to learn about the Ancient Fenrir."

As I reluctantly moved back to my seat at the table, Yolanda and Amara looked at each other in shock. "What do we even say?"'

Yolanda's eyes bounced back and forth between Ilios and me before finally turning back to Amara. "What can we even say?"

As they finally turned back to me with looks of disbelief, I couldn't help but feel uncomfortable, like I was caught with my pants down. -I know the Ancient Fenrir are beings superior to dragons, but what's with this reaction?- I honestly thought they were overreacting at first.

But the deafening silence only continued for another moment before Amara broke the ice with a serious expression. "Vasilias... How much do you know about them?"

-Huh?- It was a question that came from left field, but I somehow felt ready for it. "I don't really know much, honestly. The main points my parents always told me were that there were only ever two of them, one black and one white and that dragons compared to them as a hatchling would compare to an Ancient." 

"..." Amara and Yolanda had serious looks as I spoke but…

The silence that filled the room after I stopped talking only got more awkward with every passing second.

Amara's serious look steadily turned to disbelief again before I knew it. "Huh? T..that's it?!" *Wham* She seemed genuinely upset as she slammed her hands into the table just like Yolanda did earlier. "That's all your parents ever told you?!"

Taken aback by her hostility, I was simply at a loss for words. "Y..yes?"

*pat* As Amara fell back into her chair, her head fell into her hands. "Hooh... I need to calm down..."

Not sure what to do or think, I just sat there in silence, bracing myself for her to jump out at me again. -I definitely shouldn't have said anything…-

But as I felt a bead of cold sweat form on my forehead, Yolanda leaned over the table with an expression devoid of her usual childlike nature. "Vasilias. I think you're misunderstanding something."

The demanding tone in her voice made me unreasonably nervous. "Huh?"

"You seem to think the Ancient Fenrir are a species or race." Seeing me nervously nod, she continued with a serious tone. "Although you aren't entirely wrong, since the Ancient Fenrir did originally evolve from regular Fenrir, that name isn't the name of their race."

Struggling to understand what she was trying to get at, I only got more confused. "What do you mean?"

"The name 'Ancient Fenrir' is actually more of a name given to lump together two.. beings." She paused to make sure she was wording things carefully before continuing. "Think of the name 'Ancient Fenrir' as being something closer to a group name for two specific individuals, rather than a whole race."

Although one might have thought that her explanation would have caused a light bulb to turn on in my head, in reality, my mind was still covered in a fog. "That.. just makes less sense. If Ancient Fenrir weren't a race, then what did that artifact try to turn me into?" -My abnormal growth, strength, and body clearly have to come from something above dragons, but the Ancient Fenrir are the only thing that can fit the bill no matter how I look at it...-

The room fell into silence again for a moment before Amara picked her head back up with a worried expression. "I'm going to just tell him, Yolanda..."

Yolanda's look immediately shifted to one of concern. "Are you sure?"

It was a scene that made me so uncomfortable that I wanted to run away and hide in some random cave. -But.. this will clearly be important…-

As Amara finally looked me in the eyes, I tried my best to ignore my discomfort. "Vasilias, do you know the names of the Ancient Fenrir?"

With curiosity being the only thing keeping me from running away, I spoke with reluctance. "N..no?"

Amara's face scrunched up slightly like she was worried about how I would react before finally speaking. "It's.. Dagr and Nott."

The discomfort vanished immediately as time seemingly froze. "Dagr.. and Nott?"

Looking up at the wall behind Amara, my eyes met with a carving of the sun and moon dancing around one another, and couldn't help but feel like some sort of connection was made between my body and mind.

-Day and night... Sun and moon... Life and death...- Looking down at Ilios, I noticed he was casually sitting there and giving me a wide smile. "You knew.. didn't you..."

His smile grew even wider as he straightened up his body and bowed his head toward the floor.

-He.. always knew...- Things finally started to click as innumerable memories raced through my mind. -Even Grandmother and that woman from my 'dreams' knew…-

Leaning back in my seat, I looked down at my palm and felt the weight of countless questions ease off my mind. -The artifact didn't alter my genetics to be closer to a certain race.. it altered them to be closer to a certain individual...- My mind stuttered as it tried to wrap itself around the reality of my origin. -Closer to.. a god...-

It was an epiphany. A realization that provided the answer to countless questions, but even though an immense weight was lifted off my shoulders, I honestly felt like it was replaced immediately.

-Me? A god?- As nonchalantly as breathing, I pressed my thumbnail against another finger and slashed it open. *shik* Dark red blood immediately came gushing out, and a sharp pain shot through my body, but I didn't flinch. -No, of course I'm not…- As I watched the gash in my finger heal nearly instantly, I clenched my fist and tried to suppress my denial. -The artifact just made me capable of getting there.-

But not long after that, while I was sorting the thousands of questions racing through my mind, I stumbled across a realization.

It was something that made my eyes go wide. -What was the purpose of such an artifact to begin with?- It was a thought that sent my mind into even more turmoil. -How did they manage to get the genetics of a god at all?- 

But thankfully, after what felt like an eternity, a voice started to pull me out of my thoughts.

"Va..s..ia… Vas..ias…" Like a voice calling me from the void, Amara's worried tone slowly pulled me back to reality. "Vasilias?!" Her voice was panicked, and she was grabbing my shoulders with a worried expression when I finally came back to my senses.

-Huh? What is she…- Noticing her look, I tried to get a grasp of the situation and calm her down. "I..I'm alright. T..thanks…"

As I gently pulled her hand off my shoulder, she moved back with a guilty expression. "S..sorry…" 

"No, no. Please don't be sorry." As I tried to comfort her, I gripped my forehead and tried to silence the millions of thoughts racing through my mind. "Hooh..." -One step.. at a time…- 

"M..maybe I should have stayed quiet…" Amara was cringing from guilt as she spoke.

"Amara, please don't feel sorry. This…" Although I was still struggling to wrap my head around it, it fit too many puzzle pieces to deny. "I would have figured it out on my own eventually…"

"But.. maybe that would have been better…"

"Hooh…" Finally managing to calm down some, I gave her a serious look. "I can promise you it wouldn't have." As I leaned back in my seat and tried to think about what the situation would have been like, I felt a shiver pass down my spine. -In any case, what's done, is done…-

A mix of negative emotions immediately started to well up in my chest again, but that was when I felt Ilios jump up on my lap and rub his head against my body.

As I looked down into his pure, joyful, and angelic golden eyes, I felt the raging ocean in my mind start to calm and felt a smile slowly creep up onto my face. -Right…-

Looking towards the window at the end of the room, I saw my unchanged reflection wearing a subtle smile. -What good does dwelling on what I am, really make? Will it answer all my questions? Will it fix the chaos in my mind?- 

Turning back to Ilios, I happily rubbed his head and ran my fingers through his fur. -It's better to just let the wave throw you around, so what am I doing trying to fight it?-

As I sat there in silence, I felt a calm, unlike anything I had felt in a very long time, overtake my body and mind. 

-I just need to deal with things as they happen, and take things one step at a time, like I've always done...- As a grateful expression came to my face, I looked over toward Yolanda and Amara, who were still wearing worried looks. "I'm not sure if this will ease your worries, but t..thank you..." -Without you two, it would have been.. difficult to accept...-

But as I bowed my head, I felt Ilios shift around on my lap. "Woof!" His bark made me jolt a bit, but when I turned to look at him, he gave me a look of scrutiny.

It was honestly adorable. "Hahaha, thank you too, buddy."

But as if he didn't want to accept my late thank you and head rubs, his look of scrutiny turned to a pout. "Hmph..."

"Hmm, then how about we go down the treant and play some tomorrow morning?"

Immediately turning back to me with stars in his eyes, his tail started speeding up. *tail wagging vigorously*

"Haha, alright, let's plan for that then!" -I wonder if he really meant to cheer me up like that...-

Although I didn't recognize it at the time, looking back now, that short exchange with Ilios was what finally made me accept everything. To accept not just what I was, but what I was bound to become.

I really wonder if that was his objective all along.