Entry 11: Fake

February 24, 2016

I'm the fakest of the fake!

I said I would stop caring; I said I would not go back from that deadly loop; I said… I said too many things and yet I can't even live up to it. I act all tough and strong around people but who am I kidding, I'm scarred and broken. Thinking and hoping I might still have a chance with the famous Dash Newitt. How laughable and pathetic am I?

You know I commend myself sometimes, imagine having to fool myself that I got over him but in reality, I just put those feelings behind me which, I think worked for me, but now it's coming back. The pain is back and I don't want this. Is there any way I could stop feeling this? Please help me out!

For the first time today, I saw him cry, and that broke my heart. It broke my heart more knowing I don't have any right to comfort him and I can't even approach him, even if I wanted to. I acted as if I didn't care about him, but the truth is I'm dying to know the reason for his tears. I'm kind of pissed off Thalia too, thinking that she might have done something to Dash.

The first thing that occurred to me was that he cried because he got tried putting up with Thalia's shit. Because they have this ongoing thing they do with each other, I don't even know why they did this shit but basically, they would take turns bitting each other but Thalia was the only one bitting Dash and that happened for the past weeks now and as far as I know, Dash got pissed off at her because he earned a massive bruise on his right arm from all the bitting Thalia did to her.

They're both stupid for doing such a thing. Such a childish thing to do and that's one thing I'm not jealous about with their relationship. I don't what even got to them to do that disgusting thing.

Our teacher asked about his sudden outburst and he said that something just happened at home and it does not have something to do with Thalia and him. If my memory serves me right, I think Thalia was not in a good mood too, and I think she cried as well. I don't really remember because my attention's focused on Dash. They're also not next to each other. Dash's in his original seat. He kept hiding his face in those dirty curtains and it breaks me, seeing his tears continuously run down his cheeks. I badly want to wipe those for him, but I won't because I know I can't.

I'm just frustrated at Thalia. She picked the wrong time to be mad at Dash, who's going to comfort Dash now? How is he going to feel better? Should I give him something to eat? Or to drink? That's basically what has been running through my mind the entire day and it's making me go all crazy!

I don't mean to eavesdrop, but I heard Thalia talking to her friend and telling that Dash and she had a fight and said that Dash's so whiny about his bruise. Truth be told, I badly want to punch the hell out of her, and tell her not to be whiny about having a bruise. See! I was right about her all along, that bratty attitude of hers—I'm rolling my eyes here if you're not feeling that—but I can't do anything about it. She makes Dash happy - at least for the past weeks; so who am I to go against that?

During our lunchtime, I decided to at least give Dash something to eat to comfort him because I don't think Thalia would do anything for him. Luckily, he got up from our room earlier, just like us. We have this rule in our school wherein we are not to go up to our room when it's not yet time for the next class but we're stubborn at times, so we would still come up early and wait outside of the classroom. From time to time we would also open the window to feel the cold air in our classroom.

Since there are not many people around, I approached him and cooly gave him a biscuit, I just gave it to him without looking and saying anything to him. Then I immediately went to the restroom with Paisley, nervous that someone might see what I did and tell me off.

My heart's pounding hard when I got inside the restroom. Paisley laughed at my reaction as she shakes her head at me. I don't know why do I have to be secretive about it when in fact I was just being a friend to him. But of course, I know the answer to that… I simply don't want to involve myself in those nasty issues made by pathetic losers who must have nothing to do with their lives but gossip.

Finally, the next subject started, and It shocked me to see that Dash's once again seated next to Thalia which means he's at the back of my seat once again, which was supposed to be Thalia's original seat but Thalia would move to the seat next to it because she says, she's more comfortable there. Spoiled brat alert! Ha! Kidding. Turns out, they finally made up. Good for them, then.

When I saw them together I can't help and took a step back. Disappointed in my view. I regretted giving him my biscuit. But of course, I would let no one see my true feelings, so I let out the sweetest smile I could do and resumed walking back to my seat.

The day went on, they're happy once again, flirting around and whispering sweet nothings. I guess I'm happier seeing him like this instead of the other side of him I just saw. Yeah, I guess this is better, even if it hurts me this is better at least he's happy.

I'm just minding my business when someone poked my shoulder. Of course, our initial reaction was to look in the direction of the person who poked you, so I did. He's now smiling, and that put my heart to rest, it's good to see he's fine. His smile was contagious so smiled back at him as I ask why.

"Thank you for the biscuit." He happily stated as he raised the biscuit I gave him. It warms my heart that he appreciates my simple gesture. I said welcome, and I wanted to ask him if he's alright. I mean if he's dead ass okay, but I got tongue-tied. Then Thalia came back from the restroom and excitedly grabbed the biscuits from Dash's hand, leaving Dash with no choice but to let her eat it.

My heart sank when he did nothing about it and just let her eat everything. Well, at first he gave me those sorry looks, but after seeing Thalia happily eating the biscuit, his eyes instantly glisten with happiness just by looking at her.

I looked in their direction for a while to the things that happened sink in through me, then I just went back to writing notes, trying my best not to cry. It might be shallow, but I could honestly feel my heartbreaking, so even if I don't want to feel this way, I can't help it.

I can't fake these feelings any longer. I might have actually fallen for him…