Chapter 22

I was sitting in a cafe with Shannon, and we were writing our essay. Or rather she wrote hers while chewing her lips, and I got lost in my thoughts a long time ago and put my pen down.

I spent the last few days in a strange, near blissful state as if I was floating on a drunken cloud. I met with Rhys a few times but he didn't try to kiss me. Instead, he looked at me like I might run away at any moment. And I can't even blame him for that. I gave him plenty of reason to worry, but it still annoyed me. What could I do? I should probably write my essay.

But who wants to do something like that when she can also think about her boyfriend? My boyfriend. My lips curved into a smile. It still felt weird. And I wasn't even sure it was true. Rhys had been a little distant since that day like he wanted to backpedal but didn't know how to do it without hurting me. This overshadowed my joy. But there was another, bigger and darker shadow that I tried to ignore.

Seth's funeral will be tomorrow. Not only do I have to put on black clothes, but also fake grief. However, I haven't acted in so long that I wasn't sure if I would do it well. But I have to do it.

A small sigh escaped my lips involuntarily, and I was about to return to my studies when Liam plopped down next to me. The memories of that night came back to me. It made me terrified, of how close I was to losing myself completely. I shuddered.

„Liam!" Shannon's voice was unusually frosty, but he just grinned.

„My darling." He glanced at her, then at me. „Or... my darlings."

„I thought I had expressed enough how much I don't care about you." I growled at him.

„What?" Shannon looked at him in surprise.

„Did you think just because you didn't give me her number, I couldn't talk to her?" He looked at her smugly and Shannon turned red with anger.

„I told you not to do it!" She said it louder than necessary, annoyed.

„And I said okay." He nodded. „But I never promised anything."

„Why did you do it?" This time she seemed more hurt than angry.

„Because I wanted to apologize properly." There was no trace of a smile on his face.

„Shaelynn?" The voice was surprised, but full of joy and I recognized it immediately. Rhys came up to us and the way he looked at me I almost believed he had no intention of backing down. The golden spots I liked so much danced merrily as he sat beside me. „I didn't expect you to be here. Hi Shannon!" He gave her a quick smile and then turned back to me.

„I didn't expect you either." I murmured quietly. „What are you doing here?"

„Come on, Shaelynn!" Shannon scolded me. „Is this how you greet your boyfriend?"

She still found pleasure in it. Rhys's lips curled into a satisfied yet smug smile at her words, and Liam's face radiated complete astonishment. So it was almost worth it, but only almost.

„Is he your boyfriend?" His eyes widened.

„Yes! Let me introduce you to Detective Rhys Karston." She gestured towards him. „And he is Liam Blackwell, but feel free to call him an idiot." The aforementioned growled in displeasure.

„I think I just use Liam." He held out his hand, but there was a smile at the corner of his mouth. Liam accepted the handshake, shook it, and then began measuring the other.

„And I think I'd better leave Shaelynn alone." He looked him in the eye.

„I think so too." Rhys nodded, seemingly amused, but there was something darker, and ominous in his eyes.

„Come with me, Liam!" Shannon grabbed him and pulled him up. Something indefinable crossed Liam's face. „Let's leave the lovebirds alone." A moment later they were gone.

Rhys called the waiter over and ordered himself a drink before turning his full attention to me.

„Now that's something I like." He smiled at me casually, but I couldn't behave in the same way. This made his forehead crease as well. „What's wrong?" He asked worriedly.

„You know, the funeral is tomorrow." I murmured, hoping he wouldn't hear it. But of course, he understood perfectly and recognition dawned on his face.

„Indeed. Would you like me to accompany you?"

It meant a lot to me that he offered, but no. I didn't want it at all. Mother didn't know anything about it. About us. And I have no idea how to tell her. What would she say? I have no experience with this. There should be some kind of manual or I don't know that serves as a guide as to what to do.

I shook my head to indicate no, and he nodded that he understood. He wasn't offended by this, but his disappointed look shook me deeply. I didn't want to disappoint him, but I didn't want to force myself to do anything either.

„I am sorry, Rhys." I put my hand on his on the table. He looked at me in surprise. „But for me... it's hard. I don't know what I should do or say to make you happy, but at the same time not make me uncomfortable." His gaze softened and he looked at me as if I were something precious.

„Always do what you want, and say what you really think." He said seriously. „Don't think about what would be good for me. Think of yourself first, please."

„This sounds really nice, but it is quite difficult to implement. We cannot do what we want if we hurt others or cause harm with it. What if I need money and the simplest thing is to rob a bank? I can't do it, can I? And we can't always say what we want because we might offend others. I never told my mother if one of her new recipes was bad because I loved her and didn't want to hurt her feelings. And I don't want to hurt you either, but I just don't know..."

He seemed impressed and I shut my mouth. Not because of the look on his face, but because of what I said. I said I love my mother. I was never sure of my feelings. But can something that leaves one's mouth so simply, easily and without thinking, almost matter-of-factly, be a lie? Hope awakened in me. Am I still capable of loving? Seriously? Really?

„Don't worry about those when you're with me. Just be yourself." Rhys's voice brought me back to our current situation. Be yourself? Do I still know how to do that? But I have nothing to lose by trying. However, will he like the person I call 'I'?

„I try." I promised and he nodded with a smile.

„How much time do you have?" He asked after we came out of the cafe and took my hand in his. He had never done more than that since the kiss.

„I have to be at Ailish's school in an hour." I replied. „But..."

„I love you, Emily! I would do anything for you!" I was interrupted by a loud voice.

We turned our heads towards the source of the noise. A man was kneeling before a woman, grabbing her hand. The woman didn't seem displeased, so we decided not to interfere and left.

„I never understood." I muttered, looking over my shoulder. The couple was already hugging. „How can people say things so easily? I always had a hard time expressing my thoughts in words and always tried to be careful with them. They say big things like 'I would die for you' or 'I love you until I die' so easily. Can a human being love someone enough to die for them? Would the other person want that?"

He looked at the pair thoughtfully for a moment, then turned back to me with a serious expression on his face.

„I don't think it's impossible to offer your life for someone else. But I don't think that's the right thing to do."

„Why? Isn't this the ultimate expression of love in romance novels? 'I love you so much I can't even breathe without you' or 'I am willing to die or kill for you.' And things like that."

„It might sound good in a book or movie but... But does anyone want to take on such a burden? Loving someone too much can become a burden. For both people in a relationship. To love someone to such an extent that you really can't live without them and you've become a shadow of yourself... It's tragic and hard to watch."

Rhys's face didn't change but I could feel the sudden sadness that came over him. I didn't know why, so I just squeezed his hand.

„On the other hand, living with the knowledge that 'this person died for me', 'this person killed for me' or 'this person could not live without me' could also be a huge load." He continued without explaining the reason for his gloom.

„I think I agree with you. I don't want anyone to sacrifice too much for me." And I don't want to sacrifice myself for anyone.

„I don't want my partner to be too dependent on me. I would do many things for her but I wouldn't give up my life. Not because I don't love her enough, but because I do." Was it an indirect declaration of love? Or was he speaking in general? I wasn't ready to hear 'I love you' and I definitely wasn't ready to say it back. I don't think our relationship has reached that level.

„Uhmm...." I had no idea what to say and he smiled a little seeing this.

„I am just telling you this so you know what to expect from me in the future. I am not pressuring you. We can take our time and think carefully before saying anything serious."

„You sometimes astonish me." I looked at him exasperated, but also with a little love.

He was so much more mature than me and so ready to accept me that... I just didn't know how to handle it. He listened to everything I said and thought it through. I felt that he really cherished me, but I was afraid that I was a glass figurine in his eyes. I am weak and fallible but I won't break as easily as you think. 

I felt I had to prove it to him. He began to place me at heights from which there was no return. If he completely convinces himself that I am someone untouchable, we will never be able to become a normal couple. The success rate is already quite low.

I looked at his lips. I wanted to touch them with mine. But what if he doesn't want to? If he refuses me... Maybe, no, it will hurt. But if it's going to hurt, hurt now, because now it might still be more bearable than later.

I grabbed his collar and pulled him closer to me. My lips slowly, hesitantly found his and before I closed my eyes, I saw his was wide open. After a short while, I wanted to retreat but he embraced me and held me back. He ran his tongue over my lips as if asking for admittance, and I granted it. And I got the first truly passionate kiss of my life.

„Why have you never kissed me like this before?" I asked after we parted, breathing a little faster. I couldn't believe I was asking this and felt the red colour spread across my face. He seemed a bit confused.

„I didn't want to do anything you wouldn't like." That was sweet. Sweet yet dumb.

„Rhys." looked seriously, deeply into his eyes. „I can hit you if you do something I don't like." I informed him as his lips curled into a cheerful smile.

„True. I forgot about that. Then..." He hugged me again and kissed me for real. In the end, I was the one gasping for air. „Well, did you enjoy it?" He raised his eyebrows cheekily.

„You don't seriously think I'm going to answer that, do you?" I didn't want to stroke his ego.

„It was worth a try." He shrugged and pulled me closer to him and we continued walking.