Chapter thirty-five - The long and winding road

Gareth carried his guitar case across the car park and laid it upon the back seat. Then he opened the passenger door for Jess.

She hesitated, weighing her options. Should she talk to him now, standing at the edge of the pub car park, or wait until he was driving? In the car, Gareth would be a captive audience, but would he listen while his attention was partly on the road?

No. It had to be now. "I wanted to ask—"

He suddenly stepped forward, shrinking the space between them. With one hand on the car and the other hovering against her shoulder, Gareth was near enough for Jess to inhale the earthy smell of his leather jacket. A fragment of memory resurfaced, of another car park. Gareth leaning close, brushing his lips against her cheek.

She shivered.

Her eyes were level with his collarbone, visible above the low neck of his t-shirt. She'd forgotten how tall he was. Jess's tongue ran across her dry lips and tried again. "...to...to talk to you ab—"

"Not here." Gareth's whisper came out of the darkness, his face smothered by his own shadow.

Then Jess heard them. A group of giggling girls spilling out of the pub and into the car park. Two were laughing. One was singing, while two others were arguing. He'd moved closer to shield them both from view. Gareth was right. As much as she needed to have this conversation, it wouldn't help if they kept being interrupted. They needed to be somewhere more private, where they could speak undisturbed. Without further discussion, she climbed into the passenger seat and fastened her belt.

Moments later, a quiet Gareth started the engine and pulled out of the car park. They soon left the streetlights behind, the country road and occasional house visible only by the main beam of the car's headlights. He was looking straight ahead, frowning slightly as he stared into the dark night sky.

The silence within the car was oppressive. There was no radio and no polite chat, only the sound of the tires rolling on the tarmac or the engine noise as he changed gear. Jess allowed the silence to grow as she argued with herself over what to say and when.

His face, lit by the dashboard illumination, had an eerie quality about it. She wanted to touch him, to reassure herself he was there, and that this wasn't some ultra-realistic dream.

Then the car pulled over. Were they home already? Jess dragged her gaze from his face long enough to realise they were parked in a lay-by, surrounded by a tall hedge. Turning back, she met Gareth's eyes. His gorgeous moss-green eyes looked much darker within the confines of the car, yet still rather beautiful. He turned the engine off, plunging the interior into darkness. "You wanted to talk?"

The lack of light was a blessing. It freed her from worrying exactly which shade of red her face was glowing.

"I'm sorry," she blurted out, the two words unplanned and unexpected, as though they had tumbled accidentally from her lips after escaping the confines of her frontal lobe.

He turned in his seat so he was facing in her direction. "What are you apologising for?"

Was she sorry for not calling him? Or maybe for not seeing him that first moment they met in Derbyshire? Perhaps she felt sorry for all the crap he'd had to go through just because he'd done a favour for a friend. She suspected the truth was far more recent. "I gave you a tough time at lunch, and you didn't deserve it. When you declined to work with me on your father's project, I took it personally."

An owl hooted somewhere outside and the wind rustled the leaves of the hedge before he replied. "The decision was personal, for me at least."

"I understand that now. Jon told me."

"It doesn't matter." His words dropped into the darkness like lead weights.

Did he really think that? "Of course it matters." Jess felt warmth beneath her palm. Her right hand had found its own way to his knee. Gareth's body heat, passing though his jeans, registered against every nerve ending. Normally she would have yanked her hand back, but remembering what Jon had said, she left it where it was. "I didn't understand your reasoning. I thought ...well, I didn't know what to think. Then he explained."

Gareth's hand covered hers. She assumed it was his way of comforting her, particularly when he said, "Please don't worry about it. It's not important."

"Look, I would much rather work with you than whoever your dad has in mind as your replacement. There's no reason for us to feel uncomfortable acting together. I'm sure we can manage." It would also be much easier for her to get to know Gareth if they were both rehearsing for his dad's project.

He remained dark and silent. If she hadn't left her hand on his leg she might even imagine she was alone. Then he shifted in his seat and sighed.

Unable to hold her thoughts in, her biggest regret gushed out. "I wish...I wish I'd plucked up the courage, over the summer, to keep trying your number. I shouldn't have given up so soon. Whenever I reached the machine I didn't know what to say and I panicked."

He moved again, but the hand pressed upon hers held her firmly against his leg. Or maybe it was just holding her hand there so it didn't move any closer. Her eyes, accustomed now to the darkness, searched the small part of his face she could see. She met his gaze. "I wasn't even sure you'd remember me."

He laughed at that. "Trust me, you're not so easy to forget."

"Then when I read about your girlfriend, I thought...I assumed it was too late. That you wouldn't be interested."

Gareth swore under his breath. "She's not my girlfriend, just a—"

"A convenient shield to keep away the crazies, I know that now," Jess said. "I realise I messed up. I should have made more of an effort to get through to you. I wanted to. I really did."

He nodded, tacitly accepting her reasons, but it wasn't nearly enough. She wanted more than just his acceptance. "Would you please reconsider your decision and work with me on your dad's project?"

Gareth shook his head.

"If you're embarrassed about those intimate scenes between Josh and Emma, there's no need to worry."

"Embarrassed? It's not that."

"But Jon said..."

"Jon's the closest friend I have...closer than a brother, but I don't tell him everything."

"Then at least tell me...explain it to me...why? Why won't you take on the part of Josh?"

He spun around, until his body now squarely faced the windscreen, hands gripping the steering wheel. "I can't!"

Jess' hand, which had been nestled so comfortably between his palm and his thigh, was left hanging in mid-air as he withdrew. The chill was a physical manifestation of his rejection. He felt strongly about it, but still wasn't providing any explanation.

"I think I deserve to know why. Whatever the reason, you can hardly make me feel any worse than I do right now. What's so bad about a couple of fake sex scenes that you're willing to give up this perfect opportunity to work with your dad?"

Silence followed. Another gust of wind buffeted the car. A brief flash of red light lit up the lay-by as a car passed them on the road.

Gareth let out a long, slow breath. His fingers flexed against the steering wheel, his attention focussed on a point somewhere ahead of them. When he finally spoke again, the anguished tone had gone, replaced by the more familiar, gentle Gareth. "Do you remember the moment we first met?"